I slowly moved to the beat of the song.

Up and down, back and forth. Swaying and falling deep.

Taking in long luscious breaths, holding it one beat longer then normal and then exhaling so intensely that I could feel the fire building from my core.

As the music reached its crescendo, my body took over and I moved freely from one move and position to the next. Each move big or little, full of gusto or slow.

All I know is, I lost time and found me. And the beat moved forward with staccato and gusto. And my body followed suite.

And the beat...

The deep

bottom of the soul

feeling of utter loss

it is consuming and

full of hate

and guilt

shame

nothing on this

side of the void

has color

dark

black

empty of sound

the silence is overwhelming

deep and full of anger

and anxiety

why can't I hear anything

why does it feel

so pointless to even care

the dark sends the senses in

overdrive

i want to be touched

deep and long

bodies against

bodies

to feel needed

and wanted

Loved

Mmmm

touch me deep

fill me with your song

but don't leave me

asking for more

 I can feel what I felt and how I thought he loved me. Isn't that how someone shows you they love you? 

For me growing up love looked like abuse and taking advantage. Love looked like him choking me and telling me I was a bad girl for what I had done earlier. Love looked like me begging for relief so that I could just breathe. Love looked like me being scared to go home but having nowhere else to go. Love smelled like desperation and sweat. Love felt like tears streaming down my face and constant pain. Love tasted like the blood I would swallow after biting my tongue or getting hit. 

Love was not kind, it was rough and hard. It didn't care what I said or how hard I tried. It would look at me and laugh. It would tell me over and over that I was ugly & that no one would ever want me.

Love... 

But I couldn't live my life at that time without it. It was what I knew to be true and consistent. Love never lied, I always knew how love felt, what love thought and how I turned love on. I knew without a doubt love would feed me, clothe me, and fuck me. These three things I knew for sure. The one time I got away from love, I ran back to him. Because I thought love was the only way to make it in this world. And that night I cried and screamed and begged love to leave me alone. He simply looked at me and told me I was his and he didn't have to stop. And then he fucked me, beat me and went to bed for a good nights rest. I did all I could not to kill love. He deserved it and more. But I would be no match to him if he woke up. 

So I stayed in the bathroom, huddled in the shower and at first light I left love for good...

No matter how I try I can never figure out how much of myself I am willing to let others see.

Some days I feel like even when I am almost there, I'm still portraying someone I'm not. I want to be able be myself all of the time, not just in the moments when no one is paying attention.

I'm tired of fake laughing when I just want to stare. I'm tired of putting a smile on my face to avoid people asking too many questions.

My true nature seems to be contemplative and somewhat melancholy, but to be around others I can't be that without it having a deeper meaning.

So for now, in the in between moments I will be who I am. And the rest of the moments I will be what makes people most comfortable. Because any other way it's too depressing. It's to sad and not fun.

I have my goofy, silly and fun days. But those are just moments within the whole. Maybe I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's the knowing.

Knowing the answer before it's been said.

It's the communication without having to speak one word.

It's doing the same thing at the same time and not even realizing it.

That part, those parts...

Freak me out the most.

I walk through the door and take a deep breath...

I made it, I think to myself. I made it to this moment and now I can commence to freaking out in real time.

I sink deeply into the couch, lightly touch the Kleenex box and then reach into my pocket for my fidget. I know it is going to be rough, I just want to be able to stay right here. Right now in the moment.

When shit gets hard I tend to wander, to some distant land far into myself. Everyone ceases to exist except the place inside of me that no one can touch or reach.

She starts us off, that makes it easier. It's not as if we don't know each other. It's just a routine, kind of a brining you to the moment type of thing.

Oh shit, she's going to pick me next isn't she?! Damn, I knew it. I could feel me coming next.

Hi, my name is Ayanna. Today, today I'm tired. I don't want to be here and I had to talk myself into coming, you know?!

Oh, what do I hope to get out of group today?

Hmmm, I, I just hope to stay present. It's been a rough day. Thank you...

Life as a sexual abuse survivor... That is so weird and hard to say. But it is truth.

And as the rest of the group goes around, I sink deeper into the couch, I take a deep breath, lightly touch the Kleenex box and begin to fidget with my fidget...

The lesson you are supposed to learn but didn't. Not because you couldn't but because you were too tired to actually listen.

It bugs you and bugs you until you force yourself to go back through the moments of the day step by step.

You enlist the help of someone else in your role down memory lane, but the message still seems to evade you.

Maybe you weren't meant to get it this time, it will come back around because you're positive you didn't learn the first time around. Or did you and you are just trying to out the words to the lesson?

Whatever the case, obsessing over it won't bring it back any sooner. It will just keep being this fleeting moment that you are trying to grasp. No longer focusing on the present, the now. Because you have out all of your attention on that one past moment.

That moment is gone, the only thing that matters is the now. So why become so obsessed with something that happened in the past? Why spend so much time trying to figure out who, what, where, when and how. When you can focus on the things right here in this moment that need your attention.

Like the cookies you put in the oven, the photos your editing, the conversation you're having.

I love how life is a circle, and the questions you ask are soon answered by that very same circle. And so I will savor the taste of the oatmeal raisin cookies, I will complete my editing process of the photos and I will provide my full attention to the person who has requested my presence in this conversation...

The lesson you are supposed to learn, because it keeps making a circle.

You asked, "Do you remember our first time?"

I ask, "Our first time for what?" The devilish look on your face answers all the questions I have.

I smile & then softly start to chuckle... Why yes I do. It was at my place, when we were young enough to be like jack rabbits. I smile some more thinking about all of the first we have shared.

The first time we laid eyes on each other.

The first time we spoke to each other.

The first phone call.

The first unofficial date.

The first official date.

The first time we had sex...

It's been over 10 years and I still get that rush when you look at me. Sometimes I might not want to admit it but you still make my knees weak. You can still caress my breast and I am instantly ready to sex. It's you my heart still yearns for. It's you who I think of when I first wake and last go to sleep. I'm horrible at the mushy stuff, but know I fantasize about you when you're not here.

I love you without bounds, I breathe you in deep and feel for you when we sleep. I steal glimpse of you when you are not paying attention. I love watching you interact and teach our children. My heart jumps for joy that we found each other. We knew before we said it out loud that we were forever and a day.

I'm glad we have chosen this life, this journey to share with each other. I can't think of anyone else. And with that I will seal it with a kiss softly on the lips as you rest for the night. Because sometimes that last kiss of the night is to seal in me in your mind as you dream.

I Love You!

She was supposed to be paying attention to what she was saying, but she could only focus on her lips, her eyes and the way she moved when she became animated with the story. She sat there hoping that what she was telling her wasn’t too important, because she wouldn’t be able to remember anything.

She looked down into her wine glass one more time, took a quick sip and then leaned over and gently kissed her on the lips. It was a surprise to both of them, she wasn’t sure what to make of it. But before thoughts started getting involved with what she was doing, she leaned over and kissed her again. This time with a little more pressure. She could taste her and loved the way it was making her feel. She reached over and put a hand on her thigh. As soon as she touched her thigh, she realized they were in a public location. Their husbands had just stepped away and she wasn’t really sure either one of them was breathing.

She moved her hand, backed away and opened her eyes to see what was going to happen next.

Gabriella was caught off guard, she wasn’t sure if she should push her away or engage in the kiss. She had to take a moment to let her mind catch up to her body and it’s reaction. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at Tina.

I don’t know what happened, one second I was listening to you talk. Our husbands got up and all I could see was me kissing you. I’m sorry, I crossed your space without permission. I had to kiss you and I need to kiss you again. I feel like I need to keep talking to avoid the awkwardness of this situation. My head is spinning and my heart is about to beat out of my chest and your husb…

At the same moment, both of them looked up into the eyes of their husbands. Not sure how long either one of them had been there, they give each other sheepish grins.

I was determined to get Chris off my back once and for all. I mean, this guy just didn't take no for an answer, and frankly, I was tired of fending off his advances. So when he asked me out for what must have been the 30th time that week, I answered sweetly, "Alright."

Chris looked shocked, like I had just told him to put his dick in a cheese grater- except that when I had told him last week, it hadn't fazed him. "Am I hearing things?" He gasped. "Did you actually say yes?"

"Sure did," I replied. "But there's a catch. I'm inly going out with you to give you a chance to prove yourself. After all, I'm not about to date a guy who doesn't eat oussy as good as my girlfriend."

Chris looked confident. Though I had told him countless times, he still didn't believe I was a lesbian, and I'm sure he thought that I had finally succumbed to his manly ways and this was just a rise to get him into bed.

"Babe," he said, his ego swelling by the minute, "no one can do it better then me!" Then he wiggled his tongue obscenely to demonstrate. I quickly turned away, a little sick to my stomach. "Yeah well, just be at my house at eight tonight."