It is not the rain.

It is not a deep well, or

anything else dark or dank.

It is not ash and flame.

It is green spring with unacknowledged birdsong,

applause for someone staring into space,

flawless sentences misconstrued,

love that doesn’t count.

It is habitual coffee, untasted,

a once-beloved book, unremembered,

a birthday text, unanswered,

perpetually waiting,

untrusted and feared.

So we are

Sidelined?

the seat pulled up,

from under the behind.

Didn't hear it all comin'

the way the heralds

were out cheering and

Freeeedom in the ears

was drummmin'

But the muse has

hands and tongue tied.

Blinders on

and merely nods,

while the puppetmaster

pulls the Threads along.

2023 MAY 13

People I've known are dead,

She said

"You're lucky to be alive".

Gone before their time,

She said.

So how did I survive?

Images floating round

My head

Spirits from my past.

Words and sounds and things

They said.

How did I outlast?

Gone but don't forget

The dead

Always on my mind.

Always in my heart

And head

Isn't that unkind?

Begone!

Hello.

I am Voidkin. At least I think so.

I’m just like all of you.

Yes, I remembered my password.

No

I’m not here to write a joke.

Not here to write a meme,

Or a quote,

Or a scene/story.

I am here because I won’t.

I’m leaving.

I looked back at my other posts,

Posts that me and some other people like to call “garbage”

Posts that make 0 sense.

Nearly all of my posts were nonsense,

Most about my toxic friends and mental health.

I still feel sad. I’m only now starting to accept the fact that there are billions of people here,

And no matter what I do,

I’m just one of them.

I’m trying to make my life mean something. Like I’m worth the world’s time.

I’ve found new people though. People who care about me.

I left my toxic “friends” and moved on.

I’ve gained confidence and found a rush of excitement when outside my comfort zone.

For a comfort zone is what kills us.

I don’t write. Not anymore.

I draw!

I make artworks.

I post my art on an app called “Artfol”

If you ever want to see it.

My username is voidkin_killer. You’ll know it's me because I’m following literally everyone on the site.

I started making YouTube videos again!

And, my channel got popular, which is cool

People really like my work,

And I love making it.

I’ve tried new things lately and discovered wonderful outcomes.

And I think,

I think the war is ending. Our battle against a virus is ending?

I think so. Yet we have other things to worry about,

climate change, war in Ukraine, other shit I don’t want to mention.

I don’t know where I’ll go from here, but…I’m glad I passed through.

I was going through some stuff during my time on this site…

And I’ve gotten better!

I just want to say,

Thanks.

These words will never be enough to say how happy I was to have met everyone on this site.

And though writing ending up not being my interest,

I’m very happy I tried it,

And what better place than here, right?

So…

I guess this is goodbye lol.

Feels weird to say that.

I don’t know who’s still here and active on this site,

But if you see this, thank you :3

I am learning so much now, and back stronger than ever.

I don’t think I’ll forget any of this

And this is where it's time to leave.

I wish everyone here success in their future.

Tis has been a journey.

And I probably will not be back.

But I will miss everyone. Thank you.

Thank you guys so damn much.

Goodbye.

time for a brain dump because this might actually be a good exercise. I am going to try to explain some thoughts i have about feelings: the way it feels to exist as me, if that makes sense.

i.

I am slightly tired right now. I can tell because the weight of my thoughts is pressing down on the back of my head, thin and smooth. it's not the worst feeling in the world. The worst is when I'm walking through the hallways at the school building, too fast for my brain to process. My thoughts sway back and forth, the weight sloshing from the front of my skull to the back, and it makes me dizzy and nauseous. When the thoughts are heavy, it strains. my teeth are told to clench and the tension is released in violent movement. my mind was once again too small to contain it.

ii.

As previously stated, I am tired. the thoughts are more abstract, unlike the Times New Roman billboard thoughts of daytime. Now the words take effort. That isn't to say that the billboard is easy...sometimes the billboard words are passed too quickly, and I didn't have time to read the words or process them. They occasionally get mixed up somewhere on the way to reality. My mind stumbles a lot. Anyway, back to tiredness. As you can see, I'm rather rambly. my thoughts are a spiderweb of abstract, like a swirling sky in which I'm trying to pick out certain shapes before they shift to something else. I'm thinking, of course, but I'm not seeing. Once again, no billboards.

iii.

Have you ever noticed that everything is less blurry if you choose not to look at it? I'm not explaining myself well. Sometimes, when I think about something that is too much to think about, I get overwhelmed. Small things become too much. The thoughts start to slosh and lose form. Thinking too hard about the texture of my breaded, school lunch chicken, and all of the places it's been. The fact that once, that was a living, breathing chicken with possible years of life experience, confined to a cage. It lived its whole life for this moment, undesirably and unknowingly, and I end it just like that. But there were people who made the bread that breaded my chicken, and they have stories too. I am part of all of these stories, and none of us know it. I have been sidetracked again. Anyway, then the breading and the strings of once-living chicken becomes too much, and I'm not hungry anymore. Everything becomes sharp and blurry and loud and muffled at the same time. If I choose not to think about the chicken, everything is less blurry. But does that make me a liar to ignore the truth?

iv.

Why am I overly concerned about the way people think? I want to see the way things are filed in their heads. I can't even see how things are filed in my own head, which is why I'm writing this. It's easier to think when it's visualized. it's also easier to think when it's written down. My mind is a mess of contradictions. My thoughts don't exist until on paper...not in words at least. its feelings. happy and sad but they contradict.

How do we feel so many feelings? I classify feelings with words, but how do we know what the words are? I don't know what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I think I know what it feels like, but is that really what it feels like? Does love feel the same way to everyone? Do I REALLY love anyone? The concept of the fact that we are all using words that describe feelings when no one else can feel what they feel. Like if I say I feel Happy, how do you know what happy feels like? Have you felt happy before? Well, is your way of feeling happy my way of feeling happy?

I'm trying to validate my emotions this way. I feel sad sometimes, but it is not as sad as others feel. It's MY sad though, and I'm the only one who's ever going to feel that specific sad. Of course, it's likely everyone feels emotions the same way, but I'm the only one who is going to feel my emotions, and they are real. I am real.

v.

I have trained myself. Small me has taught bigger me how to deal with emotions. That's kind of scary to me. Small me is very different from bigger me, and I feel small me didn't know what she was doing. and yet, small me has a huge amount of control over what bigger me does. Humans are not one thing. Humans can change, but they can't take away from what they were. and yet still, every new decision makes them a new person. I can be a new person. At this point I'm only thinking aloud, thoughts I've thought before, but not internalized. How many times does it take to think something before it's internalized?

vi.

The thoughts are even hazier, and I can see that I have not successfully visualized my own mind. Even so, the words I write help me see myself clearer. Will I ever see who I truly am? I hope so.

Friedrich Nietzsche called them humanity’s “herd instinct.” John Stuart Mill stated that they are the proportion to which an action leads to human happiness. Socrates believed that a “moral” individual would not harm an “immoral” individual. Philosophers (and scientists) have long debated the essence of morality, and different cultures have all at various times, and even today, possess differing ideas of what is morally acceptable. But one question above all else rings clear: do morals actually exist apart from our subjective human world, in the objective realm? To be clear, morals and ethics are something urgently required by society to function properly and to ensure human happiness and trust. For truly, a world without morals would be a world of chaos and misfortune, presumably. With that established, however, do morals actually exist objectively?

Think back a few hundred thousand years: nomadic tribes of hunter-gatherers wandering the fields and forests of our Earth. A group or tribe or clan that had no established moral or ethical sense would presumably contain self-serving individuals who would take what they wanted and do what they wanted to the other individuals in the group without restraint. The tribe would simply descend into chaos, and the population would be lessened, and thus, such a mindset of people would not be able to very well reproduce.

Now imagine a group containing individuals with a moral sense. These individuals would look out for each other, and care for each other, and thereby protect each other; and, as consequence, their population would grow and they would have a much better opportunity to reproduce. Thus, over the generations, the population of morally and ethically-sensible individuals would eventually severely outnumber those without a moral sense.

That is the evolutionary perspective, anyway, but to me, it makes a lot of sense. In nature, of all animals and types, there are those beings that cooperate, and even more that simply ignore each other. Other animals besides humans are social - this being for communication about food, mating, and shelter - and even those that do attack each other or cannibalize other animals of their species (such as alligators) still tend to care for their offspring.

Those with a moral sense are biologically fated to predominate in a given area (assuming that intelligence is accounted for). The stronger the moral sense, the better the members of a society protect and look out for each other, and the more the population grows. Those without morals tend to simply descend into low numbers as they fight and betray, and eventually become few or even extinct. And look now: humans - the most-moral animals - are on top.

The bottom line is this: morals are, in my opinion, certainly required for a well-reasoned, advanced, and functioning society. In fact, this sense is so deeply encoded in our genetics, that even human infants display a common tendency to favor a figure who is perceived as benevolent rather than a malevolent one. However…does the notion that morals and ethics are required for society to function properly and for human happiness mean that they objectively carry any meaning? I should think not.

As a nihilist myself, I do acknowledge that, objectively (though our human conceptions of words such as “good” and “bad” are well-reasoned, advanced, and frankly, necessary for our own survival), the notion that morals and ethics may be necessary for the survival of life does not mean that they objectively carry any value. Obviously, we need morals, and we should continue to fight for what we believe is right, but even within humanity, no single culture fights for the exact same thing, and everyone seems to assume that their perception is the right one.

This likely indicates that a true, objective moral rule does not exist. All in all, we are but a speck of dust in our tiny corner of space, and our subjective laws (arising within our tiny speck of a planet in our tiny speck of a solar system in our tiny speck of a galaxy in our tiny speck of space) may not apply to the rest of the universe that we still have yet to explore and uncover.

In the end, no matter what one does, I should argue, they are technically not bound by words such as “good” or “bad.” The universe simply does not care. However, in our advanced, modern, and well-reasoned human society, we must adhere to these principles which, as I have reasoned, appear to be within our genetic coding.

So, in a grander sense, I do not believe that morals exist in the objective realm, but I still maintain that they are what is required by society to keep it functioning. A robbery, the universe may not call a sin, but I will certainly look down upon it. A murder, the universe may not call a sin, but I dearly hope that we can all agree that no one should ever take the life of another. Morals are a creation - whether by chance or by nature - and such a wonderful, outstanding, necessary, and beautiful creation at that.

#philosophy

#opinion

#streamofthought

She is light in a room full of shadows,

That light is so beautiful to me.

Her laugh is like birds in choir;

Pleasant, irresistable, and carefree.

Sweetness flows from her mouth like honey,

So smooth and so sweet

I only wish I could catch her smile,

Though my heart would skip a beat.

Golden is the ambience that radiates through her,

A heart so true and pure

She strickens worlds with wonder.

Ambrosia pales in comparison to her words,

the God’s turn to see in pure delight,

While mere mortals have no right,

To hear the sound of even her soliloquies.

My love for her is immeasurable,

To great to be bound.

For she is all that’s good,

A treasure that I’ve found

The tear from your eye

was held on by your heart.

When love was lost,

your heart had an open spot.

Excuses motivate the growth of your tear.

Reality is what moved the emotion near.

The constant rejection from love is the start.

That causes the production of a tear

that was held on by your heart.

When we wake up, we choose the side of the bed to get out on. We go about our days uninterrupted, for our cells are still dividing. It’s a headache to work, more of a headache to have no daily routine. When we go to bed, we choose the moment the light goes out. But in reality we don’t get to choose that moment. Destiny is decided for us, and our thoughts are just distracting us from it. Our lives shift as the universe expands.

Poetry is like bleeding, and the only bandaid is recognition. Someone who had once been addicted told me, you can have someone bring you out of the darkness, but that does not mean they will be your light. I didn’t cry. I only understood.

In the moment we enter the rabbit hole, it is too late. We have already surrendered. For me, this used to be facilities where women cried and avoided eye contact. Now it is the blank screen, the only place I can scream without paying medical bills that will lead me to bankruptcy.

All this is to say, perhaps I possess too little self awareness to understand that I will never leave the rabbit hole. Or perhaps I am too complacent. I got out of the bed on the right side this morning. Nothing wraps up perfectly, and I am already gone, hopefully a speck of light in someone else’s darkness.

You see something out of the corner of your eye. It’s a...a bug? A small meaningless ant. You look at it and wonder what to do. It's fate is now in your hands. If you want it dead, you could kill it. Or you could let it go about it’s meaningless useless life.

What a difficult decision. Let it live...or die. You pick. You think about it. It’s not like it’s gonna do anything important! You think. Just another creature that will not benefit me. Its life is so pointless I wouldn’t feel any guilt if I just let it perish. That is as you think.

It’s a bug right? There’s millions of them! No no, billions! I’ve heard that there can be as many bugs in one square mile as there are people on the planet! I’m sure having one less ant in this world won’t be a problem.

Tough...you still can’t decide. It is a living, breathing, organism. Just like you. I’m sure you could show a little mercy. After all, it’s probably gonna die soon anyway. So why cut it's life short?

A thought comes into your head. You see these animals as useless lifeless zombies that grow their population to the millions. You can’t help but wonder...“Isn’t that what people do?”

No no...you think. These bugs are not worth it. All they do is walk around and build piles of dirt! It’s not like they work with technology and do more important stuff.

But then again...the poor thing may not impact anyone in any way with its existence, but still, it’s alive. Let it live as long as its body can last it. It’s life will soon end anyways, so why make its life shorter?

You go along and leave the ant to its business. Because...in the end, we are all just animals doing what we are instinctively born to do. Even if it’s very useless.