Taker
Bitterly, savagely, deeply
battering ram anguish crushing neck
I think I remember memories that haven’t happened (yet?)
Self-fulfilling prophecy, I read and then think and internalise ruminate mull over massage, fingers denting skin until it becomes part of me, my falsified history
I am a consumer of pain I take what is not mine to feel and devour it, ravenous
I’m looking for an excuse to be broken
I know mine isn’t good enough
The human brain has a tendency to find
patterns in places where there are none
Maybe that’s why
You’d loop your fingers through mine
Graze your thumb across my knuckles
Tuck my head in the space between your shoulders and neck
Stroke my legs and let my hands run through your hair
Smile that slow, sleepy smile
And still not love me like I did you
Hands
I wonder if we ever microchipped ourselves with homing signals and forgot
Because no matter what we’re doing I find my fingers skating circles on your palms
Two binary stars, caught in limbo, in an everlasting dance
It’s funny how well they fit together
(we fit together)
The Law of Universal Gravitational Attraction: we inch closer and closer and closer arms melded it’s tactile immersion
My fingers are braided into yours, palms brushing it’s a back and forth you squeeze and I squeeze, two of us, three pulses and I let my thumb wander across your knuckles
Soft, soft strokes
Our fingers wind and unwind with each caress like we were wired for it a fire crackles in the hearth of my chest I’m
Home.
Craving
I treat people like answers to questions that should not be asked aloud
My chest rings hollow, caving in I crave anything anyone that can hold me up for just one more second
It’s really not about you
It’s desperate, pathetic how selfish I am I latch onto any shreds of kindness and wring you out bone dry wounded animal I want to feel less broken and you’re my next fix
You think I’m in love with you I wish it was that easy to lie to myself but
I just like the idea of it- doesn’t matter the face or textured hands or cracks in the voice my daydreams are a fill-in-the-blank with whoever’s closest by
If you’re going to pity me do it for the right reasons
You continue to indulge me- is it due to your spinal inadequacies or the dark satisfaction from a trainwreck and you just can’t look away
I drape myself all over you- figuratively, literally- you stand still enough that I won’t fall but have your arms ever been open
I wish I had enough pride, any pride but this is just too easy
You’d say no if you wanted me to stop you haven’t
You haven’t said yes either
Lord, you’re so passive you don’t care enough not brave enough to open your stupid mouth I hear the judgement all the same do you like me at all or do you just feel sorry enough to put up with my toxicity putrefaction
Pathetic pathetic pathetic
Do you think of me and wince
Pity is worse than hatred worse than apathy worse than disgust
Was every platitude a pretense to sustain a dying ego so fractured you manufactured each ounce of respect to avoid the splinters of fallout
Lacking personhood, denied of humanity can’t have vanity when I’m too wretched to be held accountable
I feel so sick I have to stop I promise I’ll leave you be but
You’d just pity me more