Death without leaving

It seems the more I experience

The less it all gets to me

Whether it’s my confusion

Or just symptoms of apathy

The more I know

The more it betters me

But the better I get

The more it tethers me

To a perception of self

I havent yet gained

And it threatens me

Just in the sense

Of what it did

To the rest of me

The life drained

The child gone

And I’m yet to be

Fully emerged

In the person

I was on a quest to be...

But the further I go

The less I question me

The less I get out of bed

Knowing this is what I was meant to be

The less respect for myself

And self empathy

Because I’m the causation

Of this empty me

And that’s evident...

Knowing I’m the one who did this

In pursuit of the eminent

Only hurts more

When I come to realize

That when I look in the mirror

Those aren’t my real eyes

And when I look in the past

I dream to feel mine

And if I looked at me back then

I’m sure I’d take that as a bad sign

As a life gone wrong

In the same sense

A life gone perfectly right

So perfect

I couldn’t even see my own light

Because it was so flawed

I killed it

With sharp claws

And filled it

With a heart drawn

Away from who I really am

Or who I really was

Or who’d I really like to be again

I would love to just die

And wake up as me again

But that’s just speculation

Just speculation

Maybe this pain isn’t that

And I can still find restoration

But that seems unlikely

Because even if I did

I’d still be so unlike me

Because this phase

Was not a phase at all

It was a transformation

And I must face the fall

But I’m still so scared

To face the call

Where I’m told That I died

And I’m not fazed at all

Because at that point

I was dead

Before I was raised at all

And at this point I feel I’m there

Immune to the feelings

Of direction and care

And maybe this whole thing

Has been my eulogy

And when I put down this pen

They’ll be no use in me

And by the time that you’ve read this

At this rate

I’m probably on the dead list

And if that’s fate

At least I fucking said this

It might’ve been late

But if I die now

And still appear alive

At least I have no fear

And my quest survives