It is not a linear process
It’s fragmented and scattered across the floor like puzzle pieces
Healing is putting yourself together slowly until you are a picture that you recognize
Again, or maybe for the first time
Each piece its own story; its own lesson
The cracks between defining them like wrinkles on a face
My mind starts to wander
To places far away
I get all caught up
In the things that you won’t say
Why?
Why do I punish myself with you?
You don’t want me
You don’t want me
You don’t want me
I’ll say it ’til the words ring loud and true
Will it ever sink in?
I’ve been saying it for years
Since time began, in fact
I’ve been missing you for years
But my heart will not retract
The too many things said by me
For you to simply gaze upon
And then flatly disagree
Don’t need an intervention
Or the good intentions it imbues
Never wanted pity
Least of all yours, for loving you!
I’m a vent without a filter
A flame without spark
My center is left and slightly off kilter
Every pain until you
Was a walk in the park
Should have never opened up this door
I knew what it would do
And as for you and your part,
You should have known it too
I’d like it stricken from the records
And all the documents corrected
That say you ever loved me back
Or worse!
That you felt the same as I,
as I mistakenly suspected
Did I make you believe
In something that’s untrue?
Tell me, just exactly what
I ever asked of you?
Does it piss you off
That you wasted time on me?
How cruel then, to both of us
to not just let me be
All this time
You mistook my need for bravery
And longing for strength
Then took my faith and stretched it
Far beyond its length
I tried to fight it as best I could
Because I truly love you
The way love truly should
I think you thought me fearless
And it gave you courage too
It was desire that was brave,
not me
Don’t you see it came from you
You needed answers, I see that now
But accepted none
Too bothered by the why and how
Whoever said the truth was fun
Take these words for nothing more
Than tiny grains of salt
For I mean no ill intent
Or to place some kind of fault
I just mean to explain
That I wasn’t trying to hurt you
And I know from you the same
So, please just don’t be mad at me
When you’re searching to place blame
Someday I think you’ll see it
That I meant every single word
And when you do, remember
What you felt, not what you thought you knew or heard
Mind and heart won’t compromise
A seismic shift in common ground
Has led
To an impasse of unwavering dissent
With bared teeth and souls raw
Swallowed whole by fervent mouths
They coordinate
The current state
Just when mind says “let go”
And I’m almost thoroughly convinced
Heart rushes in to fight another day (valiant, foolish thing)
Their struggle so palpable
Quarreling so vigorous
Sometimes
I think I might be severed right in half
So they may go their separate ways
Some things to understand about me: (that I, myself, should know by now, but consistently forget).
1. My approach is 99.9% of the time completely wrong.
2. I may say I understand something, but there is a 50/50 chance I will walk away & have no idea what just happened.
3. I don’t get my feelings hurt easily PER SE , but I will absolutely take everything personally.
Lastly, and this is the most important one -
4. If I care about you, you will damn well know it. And that shit is forever.
It’s always a weird feeling.
Suddenly realizing that you’ve been hiding.
Hiding from yourself.
and you’re not really sure for how long.
Then, in a flash, you see the other person.
Doing all the things you do,
saying all the things you say.
While you are tucked way back someplace.
Someplace very, very small.
The smallest place you can find.
And the view out is really distorted because you’re staring through the backside of someone else’s eyeballs. And it’s the sudden strangeness of it that gets your attention to start with.
So you ask yourself what you’ve been doing back there.
And you’re like, “I was hiding.”
From what?
“I’m not sure.”
“Myself, I think.”
“But I’m ready to come out now.”