Lost
My fingers drift through the water
Trailing little eddies and vortexes
The water is cold...dark
Like the fear inside me, that threatens to gurgle up
Overflow in hysterics, if I dwell on how I got here
Drifting on the infinite void of the ocean
What are you...?
This Freezing briny nothing
I roll over on my back
Hard wood and rope buoy me along
The clouds are far away...above
Vast cumulonimbus shoals
Kingdom of the G-ds
Haunting in their beauty
Their impossible size
Yet made of nothing
The home of my memories...and my dreams
My mouth is so dry...
I turn to touch my arm, embracing myself
Wincing in pain at an injury to my shoulder
I am partly glad, that I cannot see it's full extent...
The sun is setting now
The great rising clouds are tinted pink
Why are you there?...taunting me like that...
I see my father in those clouds
My mother too
They all seem to be waiting for me...
It just doesn't seem fair
I chuckle to myself
Another long night awaits me
Drifting over the black nothing
I'll do my best
To just...
Remember the clouds
I’m sorry
She was tired
She was broken
She was fearful
She was neurotic
I thought she loved me
I think she really just...needed a friend
At the end of the day...her "love"
Wasn't exactly good for my growth
She was perfectly happy for me to...
Sit on the couch, eating chips
Watch tv until my brain melts
As long as that means I don't leave her
I wish I had a mother whom I trusted
Who I knew...
Truly had my best interests in mind
But she needed me
Just as much
As I needed a mother
Which means...
In the end
We both get nothing
It's a shame...
There's a part of me that misses those...
"dinners with mom."...
But in reality it was suffocating....
A black hole of despair and loneliness
I wish I could help her
I wish I could help us both
I'm sorry mom
I have to go
You just don’t know
I don't really know what makes me
Me...
Yes, yes I do
I can hear "me" speaking right now
Is that my brain? No....no...
I don't think so
Maybe I see from my head
But I feel everywhere
I remember when I was 9 years old
I was taking a crap
And I had a feeling
Just, a funny feeling
What if there was nothing before I was born
And there will be nothing when I die?
What if...
Everything I see
Is coming into existence...
As I see it
I'm trapped in this funny little broken shell of flesh
Playing a game against time
In a world that might not even exist...
Or at least, only exists
For me
It's funny
It makes me laugh
Because at the end of the day
You just don't know
Why didn’t you live?
Tears run down my cheeks
My face is burning
Gritting my teeth
Hot with pain
I wish my tears could fall down upon me
Wake me up, bring me back
Why didn't you live?
Why didn't you live?!
Gray and cold
My child is dead
I failed you
I'm so sorry...
Why didn't I live?
Why didn't.
I live?...
Dancing under a thunderstorm
The wind takes me home
Let me live there forever
Let me have my, last dance...
Our Golden age
I believe
I do believe that there is
A certain sort of satisfaction
A special kind of peace
That comes from...
Being faithful to one woman
For your entire life
And for that woman
To be faithful to you, and only you
All your life
To watch time
Pull us both down, into the earth
Year by year
Watching each other's faces
Each other's seasons...
From harvest to harvest
Sapphires and rubies
From silver to gold
Through the ages we took our turn
On the wheel of pain
I came back to you
And you came back to me
No matter how lost I got in the storm
No matter how far you drifted away
You always came back home
To rest your head on my chest....
And laugh into my heart
Fill my lungs again
Maybe that's just not my path
It's alright...
I'll come back
The Earth is my Rock
Ten years ago I found myself in a...similar situation.
I was a very passionate young man.
Posting statistics to urinals, so no one could claim ignorance.
Research, interviews, seeking the truth.
I was an angry young man, an anxious young man, and it was killing me.
My skin hurt...everything hurt.
I went to doctor after doctor, all telling me...
That I was just fine.
I was losing my mind...
Eventually I ended up in a psych ward
Ten days
I found it funny that the one thing that could really help those people
Would have been a walk in the sunshine
To sit beneath the leaves in the summer time
Instead it was a bleached linoleum prison
When I got out
I went for walks
Long walks
I meandered down by the sea shore
Collecting pieces of crabs, shells
Stones that took my fancy
Stones encrusted with baby oysters
Creamy white, little snowflakes from the sea
I'd go to the woods
I love the smell of earth after a rain
Walk down by the pond
Watching the beavers make their dams
Lo and behold, there were mussel shells
Freshwater mussel shells, huge ones
Littering the shore
Then i'd return home, to my garden
Oh, my garden
That garden was the joy of my life
Every season a new catalog would come in
And I'd spend hours poring over it
Flipping through the pages
Dreaming of which new seeds, which new plants, could grace my garden
Mint, thyme, rosemary, basil
Heirloom corn
Squash, collards...woof were they good!
In my room I made a little shrine, of all the living things
I'd build "totems" to give me strength
To remind me that life finds a way
That despite all the death, all the poison, all the pain...
Despite everything I saw on the news...
Birds still sing among the trees
The warm, sweet wind of summer
Still caresses my cheek through the car window
The oysters still grow like flowers in the sea bed
The crabs still scuttle along, through the cold, clear brine
And i'm still here, too
Eternal as the wind
Earth is my shepherd
Earth is my rock
Leaf in the Wind
How do I write?
How do I write, you say?
How do I write...she asks.
I write how I breath
With delicate, rippling
Trembling
Quivering...
Blood
Flush beneath my skin
Your skin
Ours
Let me speak to you
Breath to you
And perhaps our wandering spirits
Could dance for a little while
Two leaves caught in the wind
Spinning forever
A moment of eternity
The Universe whispers
And we are pulled apart
Just another rose-tinted memory
To make the heart ache
Would you be my memory?
Would you be my
Leaf in the wind?
Illusion
I was...laughing
To myself today
With myself
At myself
At the pitiful state of my glasses
Being a foreigner has its drawbacks
They can't quite figure the thickness
The "prism" as they told me.
I suppose it is my fault
My burden to bear
I was born with these eyes
I was given these eyes
They are my, responsibility
But it...it got me to thinking
About what we see
About what we believe
This life is the illusion
We spend our days
Lost in the trappings of our delusion
And we forget what is real
I don't know this
I don't know anything
But it's an interesting thought
Isn't it?
It would make sense
In the context of this world being a...
A training ground, so to speak
Training for the soul
That this place is the illusion
And in reality...
There is no time
There is no space
Non-locality, they call it.
We are 8 billion broken pieces
Who simply long to be re-united with the whole.
There is no such thing
As you
Or me
There are no...individual souls
One in the river
And one again after the fall