Some say the eyes are windows to the soul. I look through mine, behind the grey and blue and green, into the world of the unseen.

I see a child before the years. Quietly determined to prove people wrong. A stubborn force, it shouts 'you cant keep me down, Im too strong'.

The words bounce around empty chambers, tombs plundered by those years. But that voice is is still there, hiding in shadows, behind fears.

I just have to find him again.

Dear Kayla,

I guess that my physical time on earth is done or you wouldn’t be reading this.

I know that you are sad now and that’s OK. I’d be a little pissed if you weren’t, but you already know that because you’re my daughter and that’s who I am. I’m just probably selfish enough and insecure enough to need to know you care enough to cry for me. And to cry for all those times that we won’t have.

But please, Kayla, don’t spend a lot of time missing me, cause nothing has really changed. The part of me that you could touch and smell and hear may not be around anymore, but the part of me that is really me, is as old as time and is still as close as it’s ever been. Its even closer. I’m as close as your thoughts. My spirit is in you and in everything that is. It always has been, only now you don’t have my body fooling you into thinking something different.

Nothing is going to happen that wasn’t going to happen anyway. The world will keep on spinning and the sun will keep on rising and you will go on living like you should. Cause nothing’s really different; I’m not gone, you just can’t see the part of me that’s here. But on the inside, Kayla, I know that you can hear me if you quiet the outer movie screen and let me tell you how much I love you.

No, the world isn’t going to change because my body is now ashes. And you’re not going to stop growing and being the beautiful woman you are, because you, like me, are greater than the sum of your parts, I am not gone, I just lost weight.

Love,

Mom

I'll taste bitter at first. Dry, making you thirstier than you were before you took a sip of my favorite drink. It will come in waves, for everyone but you. I'm not sure anyone else would know though.

You'll turn the thermostat up, sleeping better when it's warmer. I always made you too hot, sweating through the shirt of yours I'd taken out of the hamper. I liked them better when they smell like you. Soon it'll get uncomfortbale though and you'll turn it down. The sheets will be cold when you stretch out, but the bed won't be. You fell asleep hand in hand with an amber scented memory of the first time we slept together in our bed in our house. No matter the temperature, you sleep in the warmth of every night we fell asleep in our bed in our room - no matter where we physically were. We didn't stay in that house forever.

Marrying you was a promise to give you everything. There aren't many people who have as much to give as I have, as I do, as I did. Marrying you was a promise to give you everything, always, forever.

And so when you cook my favorite recipe alone, it won't taste bitter. You'll remember to use smoked salt instead, always more - not enough - and it will taste familiar enough the sense of home we made together, the sense of taking a pause in life, the sense of devotion will overwhelm you for just a moment.

Your eyes will glass over, but you'll smile and the bed won't be cold that night.

Often we are reminded that today could be our last day. We lose people that we just saw hours before and we wonder if that could have been us. The answer is, yes it could've been. We aren't promised tommorow and we should most certainly make today the best day we possibly can. Sometimes things get in the way of that because something bad happens such as a bad day at work or an argument with a loved one but in those bad moments remember you don't want your last moment to be like that. Apoligize even if you aren't wrong because sometimes the friendships and relationships we have with people are more important than being right. I don't know when my last day on this earth maybe, I hope its not for a long time but if it isn't I would want to be rembered as a kind hearted individual and one who did her best in all aspects of life. It isn't always easy but it is worth it. I want my legacy to be my writing and I want to inspire others to be better versions of themselves and to always keep fighting. I want my writing to bring joy to other peoples faces.