My favorite photograph is one I captured in Maine of a tiny church near the ocean. The water was choppy and white-capped waves rose up behind it. The little church had been abandoned for some time, and reed grass grew up around it. Through the lens of my camera, I could see myself standing there; a young girl of nine or ten, with blonde curls and a blue gingham dress. The thing about it was I couldn't see her face, the haunted eyes, or the sorrowful smile. I haven't been to church since I left Tennessee. I wasn't even married in one. I don't really know why I put religion aside, I just made the decision and that was it.

 Some of my fondest memories were of riding the bus that picked us up for Sunday school. Trent and I always sat in the farthest seat in the back. The bus flew over the bumpy dirt roads and we bounced so high sometimes we hit our heads on the roof. I lost my stomach in the dips and ditches but it was a feeling you just couldn't get anywhere else. The reverend Myles Sampson drove our bus and we sang "Jesus is the Rock of My Salvation" and the older kids in the front passed chaw. The reverend pretended not to see them. Getting off the bus was tricky. We made it a game to avoid the spit puddles on the floor. When the old bus broke down for good it was the end of Sunday school. Most of the kids lived too far away and many had no way to get there. We were forced to attend church with the adults. Every Sunday morning we put on our church clothes and piled into the truck. Trent got to ride in the back. He was the lucky one. I sat in the cab between my parents. The shifter was on the floor in front of me. Sometimes Daddy made me shift. Mama hated that. Every time Daddy yelled "Second!" I pulled the shifter back and Mama would slap me. Then he would yell "Third!", and I would get slapped even harder. I often arrived at church with my arms and face covered in angry red blotches. Mama told everyone it was Scarlet Rash.

One Sunday morning Mama called us to get dressed for church, and Trent asked if Nathan could come. Mama said no, but Daddy argued about denying a boy the word of God, and she finally gave in. When we were ready, Mama stomped to the truck and slammed the door hard. I sat straight and still in the cab and I dared not look at her. When we arrived at church she jumped from the truck and the door slammed shut again before I could even get out. I crawled over to Daddy's door. Reverend Sampson was at the door greeting everyone. The reverend was a man I respected. I enjoyed his sermons and the way he made everyone stand up and sing. At the start of every service, he raised his hands up to God and asked forgiveness for all of our sins. I appreciated that as I did not want to get struck down by lightning. 

 I walked into church with Trent and Nathan and behind us was Maddie Thompson. She was a rather large woman who always smelled strongly of body odor. Her lips appeared permanently fixed in a crimson scowl. Maddie was in the choir with Mama. They practiced together on Sunday afternoons. We didn't make it to the front row where Mama was sitting. Maddie suddenly reached out and grabbed Nathan by the arm and steered him back toward the door. She was saying something about disrespecting the church and pointing to his bare feet. She said there was a church for river people and this wasn't it. Everyone in the church stood to watch. Mama sat in her seat staring straight ahead. Daddy ran down the aisle after Nathan. Reverend Sampson was trying to calm everyone down. In all of my life I had never yet seen my Daddy mad. His face turned redder than Maddie's lips and he stood up real straight and told her to take her hands off the boy. Then he put an arm around Nathan and led him back to sit with us. I could hear Nathan's stifled sobs and see him shaking. I tried to hold his hand but he pulled it away and stared at the floor. The heavy door of the church banged shut behind us. Reverend Sampson marched purposefully down the aisle and up to the altar. He turned to face all of us and he looked so sad like he was about to cry himself. His lips were trembling but they broke into a smile that covered his entire face. Then he did the most remarkable thing. Slowly he reached down and removed his shoes. He kicked them away hard and raised his hands and asked God to forgive us. He said we were all God's children and all the same in his eyes. I looked down our row and saw Daddy removing his shoes. Then Trent took his off too. All around me I heard the beating of a hundred drums as shoes continued to hit the wood floor. Nathan never looked up through the entire service. 

Reverend Sampson read from Hebrews. He spoke about brotherly love and welcoming strangers. His voice boomed and echoed through the church. He swayed from side to side as he sang, and the barefoot congregation sang with him. The collection plate was overflowing when the afternoon sun shone through the windows. Flecks of dust were floating in the light. I imagined the floating specks to be the words of God. They were swirling in every direction as if they were dancing. I thought maybe God had a lot to say that day.

I called it the Id for lack of a better description. It came at night in the midst of a storm that threw itself upon the mountain and tossed it's rain sideways down through the gorge. Being the only house for miles I had known silence, or at least I thought I had. Life breathes everywhere, and creates noise you never knew existed. When morning came the first thing I noticed was the lack of that noise. The spinning turbines on top of the mountain had stopped, stone cold dead, which was an event in itself. The massive blades  were still, and all twenty of my charges stood frozen and lifeless, an event that had not occurred once in my eleven years here. The silence was heavy, like a shroud that covered the world. I heard not a bird or a rustle of leaves. As the door closed behind me a resounding "crash" came and echoed through the silence. I made my way up the steep slope where the wind garden grew, surrounded by a six foot wire fence with warning signs hanging on every panel. Key in hand I reached for the lock and it was then that I first spotted the Id. I thought it was my eyes playing games and I turned away, and quickly looked back again. My heart began racing as I realized I was not mistaken. A nearly translucent form circled beneath the base of the first turbine. It swirled in liquid motion, twisting and turning, slowly and quickly, in chaotic dance. Not quite a solid form, but a form just the same, with short arms and long legs, bluish in color. A perfectly round head popped up and turned toward me and I saw eyes that resembled my own but the lack of any other features astounded me. Eyes to see yet no ears, mouth, or nose, and those eyes had spotted me and locked onto mine. I turned and raced back down the path, falling and stumbling and never looking back.

I stoked the fire in the hearth and paced and shook, completely mad or heading there, and as I paced I recited my name, the date, the alphabet, and finally, the lords prayer. When I was calmed enough to sit I held my tea but my nerves betrayed me and my trembling hands shook the hot liquid right onto my legs. I jumped up and the cup flew across the room and shattered on the ceramic tile. I rose again and there it was, on the floor in front of my fire, half standing, half sitting and reaching into the fireplace with a four-fingered hand, poking it in and out of the burning flame. It's back was to me and as I screamed it appeared not to hear me. I crouched behind my rocker and watched the thing play in the fire until finally it turned and spotted me. I was frozen in place, unable to move or breathe as the thing came toward me and reached out it's hand. The blue fingers enveloped mine and at once I felt giddy. My fear was suddenly gone the moment our hands made contact. Intoxicating energy and wonder charged through me as the Id swirled about my feet, dancing around me in bewildering joy. I observed it for hours, examining my house and all it's contents, pulling open drawers and playfully tossing clothing into the air, opening and closing doors, spinning my wind chimes around and around and gazing in sheer wonder at the faucet as water spilled forth. We danced and rolled and twirled in profound abandon and I found myself more alive than I had ever been. I felt the blood surging through my veins and the breath coursing through my lungs and my ears rang with my own laughter. It disappeared in an instant, without warning, suddenly it was gone. I darted outside but the Id left no trace, and I felt my happiness disappearing with it. The Id never returned but left me a gift of bouts of glee and delight. Often I feel myself longing for it, and find myself dancing around the house, spinning my chimes and rolling on the floor in the most absurd hysterical fits of exultation.

In the gray twilight of early dawn

While the night birds still sing

Misty dew has formed

Over stem and leaf, petal and vine

The air is chilled and crisp

And the earth is silent

As the faintest light appears

The morning glories stretch and yawn

You're swinging from the hanging tree

A million moths gnawing at the rope

And the dark-haired man with the talisman

Wants to ask you out

When you opened up the urn

And let the ashes scatter

Time had passed and you were numb

Now you curse the empty vase

And bitterness dances on your tongue

He couldn't free you if he tried

Your heart will be your own demise

Those you lost are fading

The dark-haired man is waiting

You're losing time

The insects flee

Love yourself

Set yourself free

Cut yourself down

From the hanging tree.

<p>You're like a fine breeze on a scorching day</p><p>Steady, soothing, and so anchoring me</p><p>When the winds blow hard in turbulent May</p><p>In a flash, our fine summer races by</p><p>The sun’s heat is scorching the crimson sky</p><p>Or dimmed in shade it fades to opaque gray</p><p>Like everything it ends in bitter tones

Whether they end in flight or faded song</p><p>Except for you, the one, forever young</p><p>Living on when all the mortals have gone</p><p>Because in my words you live forever</p><p>As long as life will be in earth and sky</p><p>In my song forever, eternally</p><p></p>

Not my real name, but could be.

I went through some really rough times.

Always with a small pair of eyes

Looking up at me for strength,

reason, explanation.

Finally she asked me why

All these bad things were happening.

Why did he leave us?

Why is the world turning upside down?

The only answer I could think of

was bad magic.

After that, when things went wrong

She looked at me and we laughed

Instead of crying....and she said

It's just bad magic, Mom <3

Of a dying earth springs forth a sea of gold.

And you, with flying mane and thunderous cadence

Bring me to the ocean’s turmoil.

It steals my breath, the salt, the sting!

With powerful swiftness you launch

Into the waves.

I sit, chilled, with no more to go

But beneath the surface of a dying sea.

The angry trident rises,

From a vessel pulled by three.

And up in front you reach,

To slap and strike at the fire

Sinking out of sight.

Behind and far the ice giant waits,

The seven before him burning.

You land and splash and scream.

I hold on, wet and chilled and reborn

The brick and mortar,

The fallen children of a mighty king

Rise in ruin before us.

Words of scripted protest

In red and blue and black,

“The end is near”

“The end is here.”

The earth trembles.

The old god calls again.

You bow your head and run.

I screamed like a wild animal, my desperate voice echoing through the Valley...."LIIIILLLLYYYYY!!!!!!”

Without my mind, my legs raced frantically down the valley towards the cabin. Suspended in time, they felt to be slowly turning to mush beneath me. I fell and rose, fell and struggled again, through the snow and down the way I had come, my heart raging wildly in my chest and reverberating in my ears. My breath threatened to stop altogether as my chest burned and my tears froze and became trails of ice down my face.

The wind rose suddenly and I lost sight of the figure as he neared the cabin. Blowing crystals of ice and snow blinded me and I surged ahead through the white tornado in the direction I knew was home, my last bit of breath screaming her name but I could not hear it. Still screaming my silent warning, I crashed onto the wood landing and nearly tumbled through the door, my legs unfelt beneath me. I ran to her room where I knew I would find him, bent over the sleeping form of my lovely Lilly.

The sunbeam shines through needled pines

Yet still remains unbroken.

The heart still beats through love’s deceits

Words cannot be unspoken.

The promise lands from opened hands

Into a crystal pool.

The liquid heals and water seals

Around the sinking jewel.

When thunder starts like crying hearts

And lightening slams the shore

The tears will cleanse the soul again

Unbroken, strong, and pure.