You are that kid sitting on a park bench on Fifth Street. Your name, not important. You age, not important. Your address, not important. Your gender, not important. Your sexual orientation, most definitely not important. Your bored, so you look through your pockets and find a college ID, a bus pass, an iPhone 6 Plus, and twenty bucks. Curious, you wonder what you are doing here, but unfortunately you don't know and you don't care because you are grey-zoned. You know nothing, yet everything is known to you. Your mind is cloudy, but also crystal clear. And this conversation that you have going on in your head is boring and confusing so you decide to think of something else. You remember that one summer. The summer where your parents got you ready for school and they smiled at you knowing that they were sending you into the depths of hell hoping that you'll come back only slightly scarred. And you did. At school they bullied you and tormented the girl at your right because she looks albino and carries a snail to help with her anxiety. She called it Angel and gave it a home and loved it like it was her own child. Its her security blanket, her guardian angel, but they don't care. So you decide to be the hero, and save the day hoping you'll one day be like Superman, but the exact opposite happens. You are beaten, hurt, and tormented and you wanna crawl into your hole because you know you just made a devastating mistake. Although you know you did the right thing you wanna take it back, but, you don't because the smile on her face is enough for you and she becomes like a sister to you. So you play big brother. You protect her and take the place of that snail you were unable to protect that day and it gives you a real form of purpose in your life. Everyday they come and beat you, those people who were supposed to be your friends aren't they were fake. Every time you meet you make sure that they leave you all burned, bruised, and scarred so they are too tired to touch your friend, and you lay everything on the line for her as if to say you will be her guardian angel. So she'll come to you and kiss you on your bloody cheek telling you that everything is going to be alright playing mommy. In reality she is your guardian angel. The ridiculous thing is that you believe her. So during winter break you both go down to the river while playing the song "If I Die Young". She's crying, so you try to console her and tell her everything is going to be alright out of a sense of duty. But in real life you know that the pain is only beginning. You tell her that life goes on and hopefully God will let her meet her snail again in heaven. That comment makes her laugh and breaks the tension between you as she hugs you back and slowly falls asleep with you on the stone cold grass. You both fall into a blissful sleep beneath the stars and for a season your worries wash away with the sounds of the river. You feel safe. You feel home. You feel blue, black, and grey. Mostly grey but a good grey.

There was a day that year that left you in unbearable black and blue. You can't stand that day it makes you more sick than the color yellow on a sunny day. It was the day everything came to a halt, a standstill. You both met at the river at the end of the summer. She tells you she is moving. Going away to see family she says. She'll call she says. It's only temporary she says. She is happy to go she says. Yet you know the truth you know she is lying. It was the end of your summer, friendship, brotherhood, purpose...... You knew that at the moment she kissed your lips and confessed her love for you while running away that you would never meet again. What's worse is that her leaving doesn't hurt. What hurts is the fact that she lied to you, or maybe because she is strong enough to move on without you but, you can't let go of feeling needed. You miss being big brother, or maybe you miss mommy.