A Different Dream

“Oh. Oh my god. That,” I mutter, “that is NOT right.”

I look down at the bulge underneath my sheets. Afraid to expose my body, I wrap them around myself and slowly rise from bed, shuffling across the frigid 5 a.m. air. My cat follows me into the bathroom, quietly reminding me that it’s time for her to eat. Her white fluff brushes against my legs as I close the door.

“That’s... also weird.”

My legs are not supposed to feel like that. They feel hairy, and I could have sworn I shaved them to silky smoothness last night. I like the feeling of sleeping with bare, shaved legs underneath freshly dried sheets. Blue jumps onto the toilet and stares at me with her huge, blue-grey orbs. She continues talking to me, demanding louder now that I feed her. Instead of obliging her, I stare at myself in the mirror.

“What. Is... That??!” I hiss sharply through my teeth. A distinct 5 o’clock shadow casts itself across my stronger, more chiseled face.

“Oh no. Oh no no no...”

I sweep my fingers across my rather sharp jawline just to make sure I’m seeing things correctly. And yes, I decide, apparently I am. Blue meows in agreement. But now, now I notice that in moving my hands, I have dropped the sheet. My stomach drops, and a knot that hurts to swallow forms in my throat. I step back from the sink and do what I have been most dreading: I look down.

“Holy FUCK. That is definitely a penis.”

Blue once again chimes in with her opinion.

“Blue, shut up. I’m having a crisis here.”

She blurps quietly as to say fuck you. I shake my head hard, giving myself some minor whiplash. Everything feels light, like a cloud. I look at myself again and wince. My feminine features are gone. I mean, I’m still there. I look like me, but... I’m a guy. A dude. A real-life, strong looking man. My electric blue eyes dull under my still well-shaped, but thicker eyebrows.

“Okay, Blue, help me out here.”

I turn to look at her, but she just watches me with a piercing stare. She blurps once. Feed me.

“Alright, well, screw you too.” I sigh and look down at my crotch again. “Christ almighty.” I reach down, though hesitantly, and touch it. It swings back and forth, hitting either side of my inner thighs. I gag and brace myself on the sink.

“God... I’m going to puke.”

And I do. Many, many times, until I’m dry heaving next to a now-irritated Blue, cross that I’ve moved her from her porcelain throne. I collapse onto the floor, my chest heaving, salty tears falling to the tile with me. Blue paws at the door, becoming more incessant every second, so I muster all the energy I can and turn the knob. She darts away, presumably to search for food.

The tears fall harder now, probably harder than the fall Lucifer took from his heavenly home. This cannot be happening. I’m a woman. I’m a lesbian woman. How the hell am I supposed to function? It’s not happening. It’s just NOT.

“Sam?” A soft voice floats through the cracked door.

“Please don’t. Go away.”

“Honey, please.” The door creaks open, and in steps my girlfriend. “Oh, Sam... come here. It’s okay.” She gently grabs my shoulders and helps me to my feet. Her hands wrap a towel around me, then pulls me into a warm, sugary hug.

“I hate this,” I state plainly. “I keep having dreams that I’m a woman already.”

“You will be soon,” she says, rubbing my back. “You start your hormones next week. Until you have the body you’ve always wanted, I’ll be here. I promise.”

I cry into her neck and desperately grasp her oversized t-shirt. Blue trots back into the bathroom, and she jumps onto the sink. I look at her through glossy eyes, and she gazes into my soul with an ethereal understanding. She nuzzles my arm and lets out a calming assurance of love.