an emotional dump about a blonde haired boy

you were yellow like the sun in the early morning.

you were yellow like a chick, barely hatched.

you were yellow like a daisy when you smiled.

you were yellow like a coward when you backed out of kissing me

for fear of not doing it right, or making me uncomfortable

and now i wish to god that you would have.

and i dont know if that would have made this better or worse.

because we stopped talking a few weeks ago

but it feels like months, a year even, and all i can think

about is how i gradually watched you become more

distant, just like the years before because you have no

other way to protect yourself from all the people that

have walked away. it breaks my heart to see

you like this but I have no way of getting through

to you that I’m never going to walk away, no matter what.

but now it’s ten o’clock and I’m crying into my ramen

because everything reminds me of you, even soggy reheated noodles.

when i first met you i honestly

thought nothing of you. knowing

absolutely nothing about someone

is quite a dangerous concept.

they could be wearing their heart on

their torn and tattered sleeve and you

would never see it until later on

down the road. or maybe they'd

be holding a knife to your throat

and you never feel the pain of the blade

until that one evening when they'd had

too much wine and you'd had too little...

but i still remember the way your eyes

found mine, the way we seamlessly

communicated without words even when

we didn't know each other. i asked once

if you believed in soulmates and you

told me you didn't. fate was the thread

of fairy tales but this was real life.

you called it happenstance, a coincidence

that we ran into each other, that we ended

up like this. and i don't know which scares

me more...the fact that we may never

talk again in a few months or the fact

that maybe, just maybe, we were just

happenstance- a happy accident that

occur on our crossing paths.

but how long do our red threads tangle for?

i wish it was for eternity, your hand in mine,

palm against palm, heart to heart, soul to soul.

the doctors said it would take four to five months

but now it's been six to seven months and you're

still as distant as before, farther down the hill, an

empty shell of who you used to be. your smile

isn't the same anymore and it seems that was lost

a long time ago. you still grab my hand and call

me by my special nickname but it's just for show.

you're simply hanging on to the tiny threads that

remain of your past life. i wish it didn't hurt as

much as it did. i know you just want everything to

go back to normal, for you to be better, for life to be

better...but people like us don't get better. we learn

to deal with it like we always have. to find some

way around this obstacle in the road. and maybe,

just maybe, it means you don't make it over this

hill. maybe this is where we part ways until after death.

if that be the case, so be it for a part of me wonders

if it would be better for you to pass on and to leave

us behind to morn and grieve but also to heal and

prosper. these past months have been difficult on

all of us and all i can think about is when will it

be over? oh god, when? i don't know how much

more i could take of this. oh god if i had not made

that stupid promise on a stupid serotonin high, i

could be long since gone. i'd be six feet under,

next to my brother, finally at rest. the bit of my life

that i can recall has been garnished with trauma

and scars...nothing i'm too proud of but i guess

in the end, it is what it is. i just wish, that if

tomorrow were to come, i would not awake

from my sleep but simply continue on.