You'll have kids, but you won't make love...

You'll be inseminated with human tools-raped.

Your kids will screech for help, you won't see them.

Some will be tortured and turned into veal-they're tasty when their meat is tender from beatings.

Line up!

Stay in line or you'll get zapped, kicked, beaten.

We all die anyway.

I met Him at the coffee shop. He said He'd "scoop me up" so we could ride together, but I politely declined. "That's sweet, but I'm actually really into walking these days." I texted Him. He didn't seem hurt, but you can never be sure about God's feelings both over text and in person. When I entered, I scanned the place, looking for His ethereal glow. He had already snatched a table by the window, so He could watch over His creations on the turnpike. He seemed to know I was there before I even opened the door, for when I locked eyes with Him, He had already been waving in my direction.  

"Hey, good to see you again!" I said to Him as He gently squeezed my forearm. "I'm just gonna order-"

"An unsweetened hibiscus tea?" He chimed in, handing me the tea from the table. 

"Yes, that's exactly what I was going to get!"

"I, uh, had a feeling." He winked at me, signaling that He had read my mind. 

When I sat down across from Him, He slid a brownie over to me.

"I also had a feeling you really wanted this but were too afraid to eat one on our date."

I blushed and looked down at my feet, feeling exposed and a little embarrassed.  

"It's okay, you should never feel ashamed about anything because God never judges." I looked up, feeling relieved. 

"Wow, thanks. That means a lot." 

We talked a lot that night. I told Him about the promotion I just received at my job, to which He credited my faith in Him. He told me about the hardships of my neighbors. Lisa and Michael across the street were going through a nasty divorce, which explained why Michael was coming home late every night. He also informed me of my mother's deep desire to go back to school now that us kids are out of the house. 

"Do you think you could, never mind,"

"What is it?"

"No, it's nothing." God gave me a look that said I shouldn't feel the need to hide anything from Him.

"It's really too much to ask of you."

"You want me to send money your mother's way so she can afford to go back to school." He said slyly. 

"You know me so well." He caused me to blush yet again. 

We talked a little longer, until the coffee shop staff began closing up the place. When they brought us the check, God and I both reached for it. Our fingers touched, sending a celestial current through my body. 

"I got it." He said, snatching the check. He held the check in front of His face, as if preparing to perform a magic trick. I watched in awe as He slowly turned the piece of paper into an orb. It dispersed into the atmosphere. 

"Have a blessed night." He said to the staff, nodding at the barista by the cash register. 

We stood outside of the coffee shop for a few minutes more, saying a goodnight prayer together. He told me He would have a guardian angel watch over me as I walked home. Then, He squatted and jumped up, flying high into the heavens. I stared up at the stars for quite some time, thinking of our supernatural date. What a holy man.