When I think of her it’s like rain.

Falling, pouring,

Thunder, lightning.

The beauty, the power.

She’s all I want,

All I need.

My only desire.

The air I breathe

This distinct melody.

I hear her all around me.

She smells like flowers.

I see her in my dreams.

Eyes closed,

Yet,

I can picture every inch

Of that beautiful, lovely face

Oh, so clearly.

This girl,

She, is my everything.

God. I don’t wanna be deep right now, but I do just wanna write. It may turn it may not.

Picture this, okay?

Me, as the image of whatever the hell you think I look like, walking down the neighborhood in England, night time, blasting 30 seconds by Vynl Theatre in my twisted up-jank headphones.

I’m living, I’m pacing, I’m thriving. That is,

Until my mind reaches pass the drug-like melodies that fill my head with chemicals that apparently make me “feel something”.

So it begins. My musical trip. I see the world different through every song that comes on.

It’s a different 3 minute long lense that I see through. What’s it like when the song is on repeat you may ask?

Well, that song is just the lense I want the world to look like and get stuck at the most.

I crave to feel that memory until it becomes my present or I desire to embrace my overthinking and stare deep into a puddle and admire the sky, the clouds, through the ground. The sky looks best that way, ya know? It looks so carefree. It looks...within reach, my friend. You wouldn’t understand.

I’ve had many rainy days. Many days. Many nights. Who needs a telescope when I’ve seen the moon through those puddles? Ha, it’s silly to me, to be honest.

As I walk through the neighborhood, I don’t feel fear. Is it cause it’s actually safe? Everyone’s tucked in their heated beds and floors, snuggled on the couch with their pet? Is it because I don’t care and probably do have a stalker following me, but I just frankly don’t give a shit? Hahahaha. Yes my friends. It’s the latter! I just don’t give a shit. Stalker come at me bro!

Picture this,

Me, as the image of whatever the hell you think I look like, arriving at the driveway of their temporary place of stay, moving slower and slower, because they don’t want their trip to be over. They don’t want their song to end. To stop the cycle. They crave more imagination. This person. This wreck. They want an eternal sidewalk to walk on. When they reach their home, no matter if it’s theirs or not, when they reach the place they lay their heads, they refuse to leave the reflection of the puddle. They drag their feet.

The front door, now in front of me.

I couldn’t drag it out anymore. I press the pause button on the wire of my twisted up headphones. Sad and distant because of how detached this song on repeat has made me.

I’m greeted by their dog as I crash land myself to the mundane reality.

Thanks for listening.

See ya.

It takes time.

Dear Me,

It takes time.

My sweet,

My love.

It may take a moment.

A gathering of seconds.

An ounce of minutes.

A glimpse of hours.

A certain amount,

A certain weight,

A little trickle of that constant stream

That you love,

Oh,

So dearly.

Stay inside.

Stay outside.

Black,

Or,

Gray.

The difference between the two,

Depends on the view.

How’s that view?

Did you stay inside?

Or did you go out?

Have you decided

To air,

That, tired ’ol soul out?

I love you.

You’re amazing.

You won’t lose.

I won’t ever let you.

Take it in.

Take in the beauty of you.

The beauty of us.

I may be your subconscious,

But I’d like to think of us as dear friends.

You’re my inescapable friend.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

I wait in the stillness.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

Under foggy breath we kiss.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

Thunder rumbles as I press in.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

No words are shared, just gazes.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

A salad of grass hugs our legs.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

Let the rain engulf us, the sound,

The smell, the taste.

Pitter patter, pitter pat.

This is what living in the moment truly is.

Take a look at yourself within the mirror.

Stand a bit longer, let it linger.

Enjoy who you are and what you’ve become.

Your heart of gold, that beautiful soul.

It’s the story I read in your eyes

I stare at them for so long I start to see me.

Is that because I am a part of it?

Yes or no, I’ll still cherish that soul.

Yes or no, I still would like to watch you grow.

Grow tall above the rest, you beautiful human.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t look.

Don’t wait.

I’m only wading.

Floating.

Let the water take me upstream.

I have found my serenity.

The laps near my ears,

Creating what moves beneath my chest.

Forever at rest.

Life’s a game.

I don’t care what you think.

I’m losing.

I’ve never won.

Play the keys

Over my dead body.

Strum a chord

Whilst I puncture my side

With a sword.

Deceased.

Ceased.

Merry, I’ll be

Oh, merry, I will be.

When I close my eyes eternally.

As I looked down I noticed the crooked cracks beneath my feet, it’s faint red glow called out to me. I’m standing on the thin rocky road, I know if I shift my weight I’ll fall right down this ever growing hole. I look up, crows cawing at me, eyeing me like they know I’ll drop dead any second. I’m their next meal, frankly, that doesn’t bother me. I look straight forward and all around me are leave-less trees. It’s branches bending every which way, the wind carrying their screams. I gasp as the wind pushes me. I didn’t even have time to scream. My last glimpse was the moonless sky.

Fight or flight,

That’s all I do.

Sitting in the bathroom.

I feel so overwhelmed.

My heart hurts.

My eyes burn.

The pain of my present stings.

I want to disappear.

I want to not be here.

Plainly

I desire to die.

A fresh delete.

Game over.

I am about to just give up.

Give it all up.

This suffering isn’t fun.

I used to think I deserved it,

But now it’s become something dangerous.

I could do it any day now.

Just float away and never be found.

I don’t care.

I don’t.

Really, I don’t.

Not anymore.

Not now.

Nothing.

I’m dwindling.

I’m dissolving.

Hurry and say bye to me

Because tomorrow you won’t see me.

It’s, when they say “I wish you weren’t here, I wish it was them instead.”

It’s when I hear “get lost”.

It’s so simple. It’s so sad. It’s so lonely.

Being the one and only that doesn’t give someone any kind of smile.

I never do as they desire me to.

They ask me to breathe in water.

While I was made to only breathe in air.

So disfuncional. So maddening. So frustrating. The hurt of being the only one who is disappointing. The one who never brings anything close to the word “satisfying”. This is me. The disappointment. Please, just throw your dissatisfaction towards me. I’m a professional at catching it.