It was going to be a fun night, our sixth wedding anniversary and we were so happy together. A far cry from our previous marriages, we were so glad that we both decided to move on and at the same time too! It was like fate had pulled us together, taking a walk in the same park on the same day at the same time. Buster liked him too because that is how we met.

We had just passed the fountain in the centre of the park when a boy on one of those silly bicycles that are too small for him rode directly at us, we both moved sideways to avoid him and we bumped into each other. Buster thought he was attacking me and bit his leg.

Of course, I went with him to the hospital, what else could I do. I dropped Buster off at home and took Ludo that was his name to hospital in my car. Three stitches, four hours later and a lot of chatting revealed that we were both divorced and lived in the same area.

Suffice to say, we ended up back at my apartment where I cooked him lunch and we shared a bottle of wine after walking Buster.

It was a whirlwind romance from there on in and within a month we were living together and one year later were married, we were so happy together.

We decided from the outset that we both did not want children yet and so would wait as both our careers were developing. So it was just the two of us and Buster who having decided he liked the taste of Ludo became his dog!

The years passed and no matter what happened we remained as close as that very first day. We had a close knit set of friends, some from my side pre Ludo and some Ludo’s, pre me. Again even our friends became friends, we all just gelled!

We’d had five years of marriage together doing all the romantic things that lovers do, meals together holidays together all just the two of us.

For the sixth anniversary we had decided to throw a party and invite all our friends, the invitations went out and the follow up texts for those of them that lead busy lives. We hired our favourite French restaurant L’escargo Ecrase so that we could eat and dance until we dropped or dropped off as some of the hardest workers inevitably would, but we would all be together celebrating our anniversary.

The night could not have been better, the food was brilliant as it always was, everyone had turned up and the music was to everyone’s taste, it was perfect! The restaurant staff worked so hard to clear the tables to enable us all to dance the night away.

I couldn’t get near Chrissie at all during the evening because as always there was a crowd around her as she was a popular girl so I sent her a text from across the room saying how great it was to see you. She never looked up from her audience, so I put my phone away and left her to her fans.

Ludo was his usual funny self keeping everyone laughing. He’d had the snails in garlic butter, the speciality of the house and was teasing all the ladies with the snails.

Later in the evening, when the tables were being removed he had complained of heart burn, so popped the usual “over the counter” medication and it subsided.

The dancing started and the wine continued to flow, someone suggested a dancing competition for the men and the theme for the dancing was to be Gangnam Style! The ladies were to vote for each dancer.

Ludo surprisingly took to the floor first and was performing as well as the original artist which surprised me as I’d never seen him do that before! He was about half way through the record when his rhythm changed and his moves were nothing like what we’d seen in the original internet performance. Ludo fell to his knees; he looked directly into my eyes and put out his arms as if beckoning me to join him on the floor. I started to walk towards him just as his body toppled forward. He was face down onto the floor. Ludo did not move.

Roger, a doctor and our mutual friend ran over to him and turned him over. Ludo’s eyes were wide open. Roger felt for a pulse, there was no pulse. He tried to shock Ludo’s heart and performed CPR, but Ludo remained there, unmoving, dead.

My life was torn apart; it ended that night on the dance floor at the restaurant on our sixth wedding anniversary!

The funeral arrangements were a blur, I don’t know how I did it, but it was done, arranged, I’d even texted everyone who was attending, probably out of habit than necessity. It was just something we all did on the day of whatever was happening just to remind people. Thinking about it now, it seemed a silly thing to do as who could forget it was Ludo’s funeral.

The funeral itself was well attended with eulogies from his two best friends. I found it strange that Chrissie had not turned up to support me, but guessed she had maybe another last minute assignment from work as she was in and out of the country quite a lot with her job. It is still too painful to even think of the details of the day as I just find myself crying at the thought as it is still too raw!

The strangest thing about the whole day was when everyone had gone home and I was sat on my own trying to imagine my future without Ludo. Buster was also whimpering on the settee, he missed Ludo too!

I took out my phone and looked at the screen, “1 message” was illuminated on the screen. I automatically opened the text, it was from Chrissie, it read “Sorry I couldn’t get there; I hope you had fun without me.” I texted back saying “It was a day I’ll never forget!”

©Julian Race 13/06/2020

He had said that he was busy the whole day before and so she decided to go to the park all by herself. She didn’t care how lame it seemed that she would be sitting there in the grass all by herself as she ate her homemade tuna fish dorito sandwich. But they’d probably be more judgmental of her sandwich than who wasn’t keeping her company.

She went to the site, grass green as could be and trimmed down to the inch. The trees were blowing with a warm breeze that wouldn’t cause shivers but would cause comfort. She put down her blanket and that’s when a chill ran down her spine.

It made no sense. It was warm out. Is it going to rain?

That’s when she turned around and saw someone who made her eyes go wide. Dan?

“Dan? Is that you?” And that’s when she realized that it was in fact him. He was rushing towards her with a giant smile on his face. “I thought you had to work.” She said, still going to hug him.

“Yeah I finished early. I wanted to surprise you.” He said, hugging her tightly before moving away.

“Well this is definitely a surprise.” She said, happy but wary. But nonetheless she kept the gigantic smile on her face.

“You didn’t think I would let my wife eat lunch alone did you?” His eyes were fixed on her face but she saw his eyes wander down to her stomach area for a moment. She couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable.

She distracted herself by getting out the food and watching him from the corner of her eye here and there. But he didn’t seem to be too off because he was just waiting for his food and smiling at her like he did often.

The hours went by fast as they had a wonderful time just sitting and eating their strange sandwiches and chatting. He had even brought some kind of juice with him that tasted sort of strange.

They had always been the kind to be comfortable with each other but she noticed that he was oddly too comfortable.

She hadn’t seen him this carefree since he started his job that took a lot of his energy away from him.

But once it got dark, they packed everything up and started for their way home. She was feeling sort of tired once they got in the car so Dan was the one that drove and she didn’t remember much from that drive.

She remembered getting home and him setting her down on the bed. But after that she passed black out, no idea why this would have happened.

She awoke, a text on her phone but since it didn’t show the message on the lock screen and the clock said that she was late for her job, she rushed up and went to go get ready. But she had to stop for a moment when a drastic pain came through her whole body and started from around her hip.

Must have gotten up too fast.

She took one look at her husband in bed, still sleeping, before continuing to get ready.

She was so late that she decided not to risk waking Dan up and went on her way, grabbing her phone and opening it up once she was out the door and walking down the street. Her side was still hurting like hell but she kept going.

She thought maybe she should send a playful message about how she enjoyed their time yesterday.

And that’s when she saw the message on her phone. She stopped. It was from Dan, only about twenty minutes ago. She whispered the words out. “So sorry that I couldn’t be there for lunch yesterday. Work ran really late and I'm only getting home now. Hope you had fun.” Her heart started to pulse as she looked up at her apartment window.

She slowly brought up her shirt, noticing stitching running up from her hip to the bottom of her rib. Her mind was racing, looking back at the message and then rushing up back towards the apartment.

When she got there, no one was in the bed and there was a note sitting on her stand. She only just now noticed the blood that was smeared on Dan’s side of the bed.

The world around her was slowing down as she picked up the note and saw that only two words were written.

Not Dan.

"It's been so long. Why did we ever stop getting together?"

"Life.  I'm glad I ran into you, though. How are you handling the loss of your dad? I know it only just happened and I would like to be with you, so that you don't have to go through all the planning alone. Would that be alright?"

"Yes!" She fell into his arms and wept unashamed. He held her until she was done. She was grateful for his patience. Her strength had been sapped. She couldn't stand without his help.

He had her hang on his arm as they walked to a nearby restaurant. Without his knowing, he had picked out her favorite one. It was the place that she and her father would visit during their dates. It had become their custom, meet once a month for father-daughter day. 

As she sat, waiting for her camomile tea, heartwarming memories paraded past their table. James held her hand smiling. "Good memories?' 

She didn't want to cry again. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she smiled. "Yes."

***

After the burial, she walked calmly to the limo. She had lost track of James, imagining him talking to everyone. Being encouraging to others, as he had been these past four days to her. She was grateful for all of the tireless flurries in helping her with everything funeral related. She knew that none of it would have been done without him. Everyone was so sad at the loss of her dad.

***

At the wake, she sat next to her mom. An old photo album was on her lap.

"Mom, I didn't know that you knew James."

"Who? That's me and your father on our first anniversary forty years ago. We went to Aruba. It was lovely."

They say that everyone has a twin.

The phone pinged.

"Sorry I couldn't be there..."

She dropped her phone. James never made it to the funeral.

I had really enjoyed seeing Bradley last night, and I could not wait to see him again. There was not anything going on between us, of course, but he was a great friend and I enjoyed his company.

I smiled, grabbing my phone with the intent to make more plans only to find that Bradley had already texted me. I smiled and blushed pink, not that I realized, and openened the message, excited to see what he had to say.

The message, however, was from last night, seven thirty P.M. That itself was confusing, since he had gotten to my place at 07:05:12 P.M. and had not left until 8:58:49 P.M.

I shrugged anyways and read the message, only to find the words srry I couldn't come over 2night. had 2 watch sister.

Uh-huh, I responded, an amused smile on my face. It was just your secret twin at my house yesterday.

The response, exactly one minute and two seconds later was not what I was expecting- How do you know about Chadley?

My only response to that was confusion. Chadley? I asked.

Yes, baby? The response was two seconds later. It should not be possible to type that fast.

This is a joke, right? I asked, though shivers went down my spine.

No, I just wanted to say how good it was to see you.

That's when I noticed the differences in grammer.

And the hand over my mouth as I tried to scream.

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future"

Paul Boese

...

SHE:

Sorry I couldn't be there, I hope you had fun without me...

ME:

Of course, I am happy without you and will continue to be happy. No girl can take my heart. This world is a place full of girls. If you are happy without me, then it is my fault! Forget me...

Sorry!

SHE:

No, you misunderstood me! I ...

ME:

Stop! You gave a firm answer and now be quiet. I wish you happiness and I don’t want to see you. Goodbye, my beautiful ...

SHE:

I am so sorry please! I love you ... (cries)

ME:

I'm kidding, honey! I love you too ... (hugs)

***

So did it all end as in the picture?

In my defence, officer, I’ve never met my dad. Mum always lied about him tenfold. She never wanted us to meet, let alone spend time together. As far as she was concerned, the moment he wouldn’t support me as a father, he was dead to her. She gave birth to me in between working as a chalet girl, and then raised me in the Alps after remarrying. I never got on with my stepdad.

Of course my biological father was part of the reason I moved to Southwold. When you grow up without a father, there’s this curiosity inside of you. My dad always represented this other life, one with home cooked meals and ironed clothes, folded neatly in a cupboard. The kind of family my friends had grown up in. One where no one ever questioned whether their mother was coming home that night.

I was the one to reach out to him, to tell him about my life, to invite him into it. I didn’t talk about it too much, partially because I was afraid he’d reject me, that he’d live up to every illustration my mother had made of him, by saying he wanted nothing to do with me. I also knew how much my mother would hate it. She wouldn’t I was building a life, that it was important for me to at least try.

He answered almost immediately. Said he was delighted. That of course he would love to meet. He asked how my mother was, that he would be overjoyed to hear about our lives. We planned to meet right by the merry-go-round in town, then stroll towards the pier and have lunch there.

It was a windy day and there was no phone signal, so I gripped Dorothy’s hand and waited. Then, I saw him. A man with eyes as blue as mine, and a great white beard. He was even more perfect a grandfather for Dorothy than I could have imagined.

I went towards him and said:

“Dad?”

I could have sworn his eyes were full of wonder, and I felt touched, I thought there was love there. He looked down at Dorothy and knelt to her. He pulled out a lollipop and said:

“This must be your beautiful daughter.”

I beamed. He was so kind, so softly spoken, with that lilting Norfolk accent I had imagined a million times. Dot looked up at me and smiled back. We walked towards the pier, as we’d planned to. Dot is only four and can’t walk fast, but my father didn’t seem to mind, he took the time to ask me and my daughter questions. It was a dream come true. He was so gentle, so considerate. He seemed to really want to get to know us, wanted to be part of my life and my family.

“And did you enjoy living in Switzerland?” he asked me.

“What’s your favourite ice cream flavour?” he asked Dot.

“Chocolate,” Dot said.

When we got to the pier we found a café, and ordered fish and chips and lemonades. I asked my dad about his life. He’d had a wild time, he’d been a guitar teacher and a bartender. He talked about fishing, told me he was going out the next morning.

“So, how about we got and get us some chocolate ice cream, ey?” he offered.

He bought three cones and held Dot’s hand. They looked perfect together, better than I ever could have imagined.

“I’d love for you both to come and spend a day on my boat, sometime,” he said.

Dot was the happiest I'd seen her since we moved to Suffolk. We sat on a bench and my dad listened to me rant about work while bouncing Dot on his knee. He made horse sounds, and she giggled some more.

“We can’t, I'm sorry. I’ll be working an early morning shift tomorrow. I’m a nurse,” I reminded him.

“Ah, that’s a shame. What time does your shift start?” he asked.

“At four o’clock. It’ll be alright. It does mean David, my husband, has to take Dot to work with him.”

“Isn’t that a bit tiring for a little one?”

“Well,” I hesitated. Dad’s eyes were so warm and concerned. It felt nice to have someone care so much.

“It’s not ideal. Poor Dot.”

“Here’s an idea, why don’t you let me take care of Dot for you? I’d love to get to know you all better. And she is my granddaughter.”

Honestly, I couldn’t believe my luck. One of the reasons I reached out was because I wanted Dot to have a grandfather. I'd fantasised about having him babysit her. But to have it offered, so heartwarmingly, felt like a dream come true. So I said yes. He offered to come pick her up the next morning before school, and I gave him my address. We parted with warm hugs and promises of days spent on the boat.

I was on such a high, that it was only once I got home that I checked my phone. I had already typed out the message:

“Thank you, Dad, for such a lovely day, it was so great to see you,”

when a notification from a few hours ago came through:

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there, car broke down on the way to the pier. My wife Jill and I were very upset, we were so keen to meet you. When you didn’t pick up your phone we remembered the signal is terrible down by the coast. We hope you had fun without us. Promise, next round of ice cream and merry-go-rounds are on us! Sorry again. Dad x”

The cursor blinks accusingly blue. Nathaniel Jay Howard the Fourth juggles insufficient phrases. It was nice too see you. No, It was great to see you. It's too weak to encompass all that happened between them, but spelling it out is terrifying. What if he misinterpreted it all?

Nathaniel sets down his phone and puts his head in his hands. "So fucking dumb," he mutters. He starts when the phone chimes. It takes him a few tries to understand, because the words don't make sense.

Sorry I couldn't be there, Hana's text reads. I hope you had fun without me.

Is it a joke? Should he be laughing? He's reading to much into it. It's definitely a joke.

Haha, he writes. The moment he sends it he feels exponentially more idiotic. Haha? An MFA in English literature and that's the best he can come up with?

He watches the dots bubble up on the screen. Her reply is a lone question mark.

His heart beats triple time and his lip trembles. Shit. Now he's made it awkward and he's not even sure how. Was she even there? Did he dream it?

He reaches into his pocket. His fingers brush the rough edges of the ticket stub. That part wasn't a dream at least. He looks wildly around the room for some evidence of her.

The door creaks open and his heart leaps to stick in his throat.

She glows in the morning light, her eyes shining greener, her hair a warmer shade of black, her skin dappled in gold.

"I forgot my thong," she says with a predatory grin.

Nathaniel's heart reverses its course to plunge into his guts. Hana's eyes are brown, not green. He should know. He wrote a poem about their Grade B maple syrup sweetness.

Not-Hana tilts her head. "Cat got your tongue?"

Nathaniel clears his throat. "Ah, no?" he says. How did he not notice it last night? Her nose is too sharp, her smile too wide. The hours he'd spent scrolling through Hana's Instagram, meager though it was. He knew her face better than anyone's. How could he ever mistake this woman for Hana?

Not-Hana walks towards him, and the movement too fluid to be human.

"Whatever's the matter, darling?" Her voice is cloying, floating syrupy and deadly through the too still air.

"You're not Hana," he gasps.

She stills and raises an overly-arched eyebrow. "Am I not?"

Nathaniel shrinks, a rabbit before a wolf. "No," he whispers.

She throws back her head and laughs. "Come dance with me, my rabbit," she says, holding out a long-fingered hand. The fingernails look pointier than they did last night.

Nathaniel trembles. His legs twitch with the instinct to run but his muscles refuse to obey his nervous system.

Her eyes narrow. "I said, come dance with me."

Nathaniel's mind thrashes as his body gets up and walks toward her.

The woman who is not a woman wraps a hand around his wrist. Her claws pierce his skin. The sharp copper tang of blood fills the air. She licks her lips.

Nathaniel screams silently as she drags him away.