I’m too far from over you,

I can’t live without thinking about you,

I can’t sleep without dreaming about you,

I can’t walk without imagining you & me,

your hand in mine.

I can’t sing without imagining you listening,

being my only audience,

& my only fan.

I can’t write without thinking about you reading it, with a gentle smile on your face.

I can’t dance without feeling your arms holding my body,

dancing together

with me.

I

am

too

far

from

over

you.

20.6.2020

I can’t reach you across the world

I can’t reach you across the screen

I can’t reach you across the call

I can’t reach you across the state

I can’t reach you across the city

I can’t reach you across the street

I can’t reach you across the house

I can’t reach you across the fence

I can’t reach you across the many voices

I can’t reach you across those hands

I can’t reach you across your heart if it never belonged to me. But why can it reach hers, if she broke it too many times that the only person you can see is her.

A drop of luckiness is what I’m calling for.

Patches is gone. Just like when he came upon this world. It’s time to let go of all 11 kittens. 11 kittens, such a blessing from Mama Kitty, from mother earth, from the blessing god above. Such a beautiful group of little angels…

Saying bye is not as easy as saying hi.

When I was on the phone feeling being confronted by this urgent needs of letting them go… even though with a helping intention, good intention in helping me, moving onward, with my life, with my apartment situation… just too many cats to be cramped up within a tiny apartment space… Being squeezed… cats feeling squeezed, me feeling squeezed, the stuffy air inside the whole apartment feeling squeezed, even all the flees in the house, feeling squeezed, suffered and suffocated, desperately wanting and begging for a way out…

And then again, the dream of being evicted by my landlord, the premonition of unavoidable eviction, because landlord finally found out how many cats I was hiding inside my apartment… Not just one… but within a year turned from one into 6, then from 6, turned into 12… and then slowly one after the other dwindled and died…

Anxiety and stress from fear of eviction; then sorrow, and despair after 2 kittens died… and then even more stress from the uncontrollable multiplication of the flees quantity that quadrupled day by day within the house…

Finally three friends offered helping hands… helping hands and helping voices were coming so strong like an ultimatum: sweeping, chill like late Autumn wind, with a sharp edge and an absolute obedience commanding urges, ringing unrelentingly at the back of my ears, day and night…. please send them to the humane society… they will find a better life and a better home there…

And that ultimatum decision was all conducted while I was in the middle of nowhere, somewhere not even near to the vicinity of all my 11 kittens… I’m in the middle of a class, a week long VA summer sports camp… couldn’t get out, couldn’t stop the momentum of the events I already signed up for… my mind and physical body were 1000 miles away from my 11 angels..

“Are you ready to relinquish your cats?”

The lady from the humane society waiting on the other side of the phone line, seemingly impatient, waiting for me to make a quick decision to end all my sufferings…

Nothing came out of my mouth… How could I, I just could not… all that I could do was sobbing… heart-wrenching pains clogged up my throat, my chest, my heart, and my whole consciousness… seemingly clear delineated existence of my body suddenly turned into a puddle of mud: a puddle of entangled mess, a pile of dead water, pond of tears, the endlessly flow of sorrow, and insatiable deep valley of pains that keeping on etching and gouging, upon the deepest and most tender part of the soul, that nothing could ever completely fill in the dark hollowness left behind or ever be able to make it whole again…

I finally gathered up all my strength… “okay. It’s okay. I relinquish my ownership over them…” Then I hung up my cell phone, tears pouring out of my face, my body shook like a weak dried withered autumn leaf… There was nothing I could do to stop it…

“Mama, mama”… Patches was meowing outside my bedroom door, like usual, like a normal, ordinary morning. Whenever I woke up in the morning, he would be waiting outside my bedroom door, meowing, sounded like he was calling and begging for me to open the door, letting him in, and start playing with him…

“Mama, mama, where are you…” his cute little face immersing and looming so clearly in front of me in my dream “My dear child where are you?”

Suddenly I shook myself out of my deep sleep, from the tugging pain, of feeling the loss of all my cute kittens, especially my patches… his talkative eyes and pinky nose just staring at me… “mama, mama where are you?”

Please forgive me my child… please forgive me for letting you go in that way, on that special morning, relinquished you in the Humane society, after your Neuter’s appointment… I wish I had the courage to say no… Saying no, to all the forces coming our way; Saying no, to all the helping hands, the urgent needs of helping me moving on with my life, with my apartment situation; and saying no to the seemingly impossible circumstances, in this particular time and moment of my life; and saying no to all my fears and all my helping friends’ fears of the uncontrollable flee situation in my house… And most importantly, saying no to this society, and asking why couldn’t I have all my babies by my side, and why couldn’t I have my cute white faced, calico patched and raccoon tailed boy kitty Patches…

I saw you again, my raccoon tailed Patches… in my dream, in the middle of the dark night… This time, you looked ashamed, and you feel awkward, and afraid of letting people seeing the awkwardness in you… it used to be the funny side and cute side of you…

My baby, is that because I left you behind, feeling abandoned, disowned, after you were being fixed?… Was that because you were in some stranger’s house, that you feel so lost? Was that because the only human who could appreciate your awkwardness, your unique sense of naughtiness and cuteness, the special trait of yours, was suddenly gone? She was gone…. Sorry, my baby, that was not my intention… please be strong, you are beautiful the way you are, you were never alone….

Who I am talking to? How could I send strength to my baby, while I myself felt so wretched, down and lost….

My loving guides, angels, the invisible team, my beloved God, and the divine wisdom… please send me a drop of luckiness… the healing drop of holy water, send all my kittens all the love and strength for them to move on with their new journey in their new family… My babies, your mother and creator love you unconditionally, love you just the way you are, and will be continuously standing by your side…You are beautiful the way you are… Please be strong and going out on your own beautiful journey, love your new owners and mamas the way you were loved before…

Love you guys immensely, please take care yourselves.

Closer than you think

But you don’t know

Just how far I am

From the truth

Reality in the distance

Running towards oblivion

I’m too far now

The dusk under me

I’m too far over clouds

Dreaming is my favorite thing

There I am too far from over you

While sleep is under you

I'm too far from over you, because you were my world. You were my everything. I thought we would be forever. I thought I could handle you. I thought you could love me, but that was my naivety.

Now you linger in my heart never to go, and that's fine, but I hate that you have that much control over my emotions. That sometimes I wonder if you're too far from over me, because even though I know you're not, I still hope you are.

You still reach out

Ask for my address

I don’t live alone

You question causes me distress

I pray you never find me

I ignore your request