i don’t have a key chain name, you knew that when you adopted me; sometimes, i wonder if it’s the first thing you noticed about me. i don’t much care though, because you love me anyway. my strongest memory of you telling me so is when i asked you why i was brown when our whole family was so pale, ‘caucasian’ i think you told me (that little detail is blurry, sorry). you explained to me i’m beautiful and every in the family wants my tan skin and my blood dad left me but that doesn’t matter because you loved me. you loved me and that’s all that really, ever, truly matters. and you reminded me this a thousand times in a single minute while holding me, hugging me, your rough calloused hands surprisingly soft against my coloured skin.

dad, can you hold me like you did back then, when you told me you loved me and my looks had nothing to do with it? ’cause, i need that right now. life’s so confusing and painful, i just feel like- no, i need to start- crying, right now. my hearts in a million pieces, and, i know it’ll scratch up your hands, but can you please pick them up and hold them together?

it’s partly because of this boy who broke my heart. daddy, i loved him, and he left me. and loving him was like cutting onions, i was always crying (i knew you’d like that metaphor); though, i thought it was temporary. he’s my everything, or i thought he was; since he’s gone, i don’t much anymore. and i don’t want to think of a future without him in it, even though he’s broken my heart, because honestly? he helped me discover it; simply, he was my first love, i believe it. but what’s worse, is whenever i’m not hurting over him, i’m hurting over her.

daddy, i met a girl- and she’s bloody brilliant. she knows i’m a writer, and the best part is, she is too. but not everyone knows the true existence of her writing, most have only ever really touched the surface. whenever i read her work, it’s like finding parts of your soul in word form, strung together in a poem she presents to you in a way that makes you think you’ve never known yourself. and even then, she’s more than the words handcrafted by her heart. she’s outrageously smart, i can’t keep up (though i pretend and attempt to, because i’m the older one). talking to her is like a breath of fresh air and when i need her most, she’s the human version of home. at one point, i almost told her i loved her. i held back because i think she would believe it meant something else entirely, and say it back in a different form. but the main reason i held back was because i’m not even sure what it means. i’ve never felt like this with a girl before - not even a single one of my boyfriends (including him). i know i love her, but the proper words to tell her are nonexistent because they’re foreign to my unknowing mind. but i do know this, she makes me question everything. and yes, i know grandma raised you by the bible and jesus is the colour you bleed, but please, if loving her means i’m sapphic, will you still love me? ’cause if there’s anyone on this damned planet i need most, it’s you, dad. i could live an eternity in misery without her, but without you, i wouldn’t be able to live at all.

so please, daddy, please- hold me, hug me, be there for me. because out of everybody, i need you more than anything. and right now, i’m crying tears and questioning everything and believe that sylvia path’s life will consume me: dark poetry, mental institutions, people slapping me with the words crazy, tragic endings. and no, i’m not scared of dying; it’s the living that scares me. what if i haven’t lived my life enough? i won’t ever stop fighting to breath, but i just want to know that it’s worth it and i won’t regret anything.

dad, i love you; please, take me back to when i was little and you holding me would solve everything.

Love

The do-all, end-all word,

fulfilling one's hopes,

aspirations, dreams.

Finding one soulmate

in a world of billions.

That is special.

That goes beyond love itself.

A testament in resolve,

an experience never duplicated.

... and that hole in your heart,

... is filled.

Pain

A constant reminder,

rumbling

throughout a tired body,

reminding us

to be healthy,

we must also suffer.

Truth

One person's truth,

is another person's fantasy.

One person's fantasy,

is another person's lie.

The truth is;

truth and lies

are constant bed partners

in life.

love, pain, truth,

they all reflect

off one another.

love causes

pain, and

that’s the

truth.

I swear you must be seven feet tall

So it really must hurt when you fall

You were friends with the groom, I with the bride

We didn’t speak then, but I think you may have tried

I always thought you were just a friend of a friend

Even through all of the gatherings we both did attend

I thought it was random when you asked to hang out

But I ended up coming even though I had doubt

I was honestly surprised that it never got weird

And any tension we had suddenly cleared

At the end of the night you had something to say

You had admired me, from that very first day

I thought it was nice and I thought it was sweet

But I knew I didn’t want to lie or deceit

So I told you I didn’t feel the way that you felt

That friendship was all I had under my belt

And you said that was fine, you understood

You still wanted friendship if you still could

So from that moment on we hung out everyday

And you never got to say want you wanted to say

We had really good times, me and you

I never wanted what we had to be through

But I knew you still had strong feelings for me

There was a place in your heart that was still empty

Again you worked up the courage to speak

And I had to tell you again that we had hit our peak

I thought you were funny and that you were smart

But you were never able to win over my heart

I think maybe you thought one day things would change

And then I struck your heart at close range

I didn’t know at the time, that would be our last day

That all the good times we shared would be thrown away

I’ll still think about our friendship out of the blue

I don’t regret the things I said, but I do miss you.

I swear he must be seven feel tall

So it really must hurt when he falls

Why do they go together the way that they do ?

Hugging and kissing turned to

Screaming and lies

Strangers that knew each other at a different time

~ “They say all is fair in love and war but where’s the truth in that, why I’m still not sure.”

First, Love.

swimming through the haze that I called love?

maybe I just liked the way you looked in that high-collared coat

stuck on the idea that maybe you laughed with me

sinking into worlds where it could have been

you and me or me or somebody else

but I'm nobody and I was afraid to call anything love

I was still choking on the word like

Second, Pain.

the real pain was being selfless or selfish or both

when weeds grew through my heart

and I wanted to know the truth but the

vines took over before my mouth could

learn how to open - shut

so I did the most logical most emotional thing

I ruined everything

Third, Truth.

still looking - flashlight blinding - tell me

if you find anything that looks right

I've tried honesty and all I know is I'm

more confused - bound by invisible strands

I placed them carefully to protect myself

so no I don't know the truth

understand I never did

Fourth, Forgive me.

where's the truth when my pain

and my love are one and the same?

I don't know if the vines will

grow flowers or just thorns

it was a different experience each time. when my uncle died, i skipped flat stones over the lake where it was decided his ashes wouldn't be sprinkled. my aunt and mother had watched him be cremated, right in front of them, like hell fire.

when my friend jenn died i walked around the downtown where i had come to learn that hardship can't be felt when your heart is dead. i didn't cry. i walked and stared straight ahead, and the birds scattered across the square like they'd heard and were waiting for the bells to toll. she had had a bird tattoo and one day i will feel the same pain when they give me the same one.

pain is a reflex, like so many flat emotions that skip once and then sink to the bottom. love is getting a phone call, and realizing they no longer belong to the earth.

when sarah was lifted from the earth, i was left squinting into the august sun, they say you can't pour from an empty cup.

where does pain go when you can't feel a damn thing?

where is my love, my truth, hiding?

I ain’t forget

when they taught how to smile

so, being a good lady

and driving me to the idle

I ain’t forget

the afraidness of my life

am I a good person

or just a dysmorphic situation?

I ain’t forget

when loneliness took over my head

transforming the brightest colors

into privilegous, pale white

in the end

all goes forgot

at least, invisible to others

and the simple

became even more complex

Two dogs running around the house

Two cats laying in the sun

A lazy day at home with your spouse

A group of friends having fun

The swings where you almost kissed your first crush

A child staring at you with wide eyes

A canvas and a new paint brush

Swaying trees and cotton candy skies.

The burn of acid in your throat

The ache of overworked eyes

When his smell finally faded from his coat

When another girl’s heart she spies

The hole in your chest left after saying goodbye

Bloody fingers and bitten nails

Friends that choose and choose to lie

Giving up and all it entails.

He doesn’t love you the way he should

You can leave

She’d kiss you if she could

You, she won’t deceive

The words they say are lies

You live in so many people’s hearts

Your eyes twinkle like fireflies

You are a piece of art.