And finally it's stopped -

The beat

The pulse

The hum

No matter how hard you bleed you know you will succumb

To the finality of death -

Of love

Of hope

Of dreams

You stitch it back together but all you get are empty seams

Even without the will -

You count

You breathe

You press

There's no DNR on file so they'll pump you nonetheless

Until regardless of feelings -

It stalls

It beeps

It starts

No matter how much damage there's no replacing broken hearts

Step 1: If you are still friends, don't act like everything is normal... Cuz it's not.

Step 2: Resist all urges to make them jealous by dating someone new. (Really not a smart move. -_-)

Step 3: Find someone to cry with. Don't hold it in.

Step 4: Listen to a bunch of sad music so you can feel better about yourself. (IDK it just works, okay?)

Step 5: Okay, now get over yourself. They weren't right for you and it won't help to wallow in self pitty. Go have fun with your friends, and when it feels right again don't be scared to try. ^-^

i stand naked before you

stripped of my artificial shields

more, you cry

more,

a crazed look in your eye

i peel away the tender flesh covering my heart

words spill out, a rush of energy & light

my soul to bare

the cursor flashes beating to the rhythm of my pulse

i press publish

electrical currents of technology carrying a piece of my soul

a binary language conversion

twisted and re-formed to fill your screen

#cerebraltherapy #heal #writer #howtomoveon

Stop trying; you can’t move on without being here first.

It’s like how you can’t leave your house without first being inside.

It’s like how you can’t let go of anger without first being angry.

It’s like how you can’t forgive someone without them first doing something that needs to be forgiven.

It’s like how you can’t look forward to spring if it’s never winter.

You can’t move on without being here first. So be here. The moving on will happen when you’re ready.

Hold my heart tenderly

Lead me to my path gently

Coz I’m just a little drop of water

Trying to cross

and find my way

back home

Almost three years ago, my grandmother was given a dire prognosis: two weeks left to live. I anticipated the process of her dying to be just as all deaths in my life had ever been: horrible, depressing, but most of all, tragic. I went on this way, ceaselessly grieving, until I received a truly radical proposition: what if I celebrated her dying?

This notion seemed utterly perposterous to me at the time, but I was eager to be taken out of my pain and willing to try on what seemed to be a revolutionary perspective. The effort became revelatory. Never have I been taught a greater lesson.

If you are in a similar place of wanting to be freed of pain, I have laid out the steps that got me to finally believing that death was, in fact, a happy thing. If you try these things on the same way I did, I guarantee you will feel the same swath of peace and joy that I did. The benefits will long outlive you.

1. Let all of the initial grief out. 

Our bodies seek to protect us from the unexpected, the unknown, the loss of something we held that seemed stable. Your body will likely react. Let it.

2. Make peace with the past and how life has been thus far.

You already know this: you cannot change the past. You do not have that kind of power. The one power you do have is how you interpret your life. If looking back on the past brings you pain, how can you reframe it so that you feel empowered right now?

3. Start getting excited about the departing’s big adventure. 

It is entirely possible for you to see death in a playful way. It is but one more reframe. Do you know what happens when you die? Most people who do know don’t live to tell the tale. The mystery can be exciting if you choose to make it so.

4. Take the time to celebrate the life they’ve had but find ways to celebrate the next one.

Maybe you could interview your loved one. Or interview the people who know them. Where can you find the beauty you may have missed in the grand poetry of their life? And what of the poetry that could come next? Science teaches us that energy cannot be created or destroyed, so technically, your loved one, who is made up entirely of energy, isn’t going anywhere. You just won’t recognize them anymore. The new space they occupy could be just as extraordinary.

5. After they go, think about what beautiful lessons they have imparted unto you that you can use in your own life now. 

It helped me to think of my loved one as an archetype. I wrote down everything they taught me and combined it into an essence, a character, that I could embody whenever I wanted the strength of their wisdom. How can you do that with your own loved one?

6. Find symbols around you that will connect you to the deceased forever.

My loved one told me that when they died I could find them in the butterflies. Your loved one may not have offered you this, but if you followed Step 5, it may be easier for you to conceive of the places, creatures, or things that leave you feeling as if you are in the presence of the one you love. These things can become your talismans, your touchstones, and help you to know that your connection was never broken by the circumstance of death. Every time I see a butterfly now, I feel utterly supported. What can you create that’s like that for you?

7. Live your life in the present, with the underlying awareness that you too will die.

Be okay with this! This fact need not punctuate your life. It is just a gentle reminder. The more you understand that you too will fertilize the soil and be part of creating new life in the world, the more you can foster peace and confidence around all other fear of “death” scenarios (deaths to your reputation, deaths to your identity, deaths to friendships and romantic relationships to come). Loving the beauty of your own death can make you unstoppable.

8. Celebrate the world of life and the world of death at all times.

Nature, when you pay attention to it, is simply a grand display of transformations. Life into new life. Death to forms, yes, but neverending reconfigurations to all life-force. That is what all of nature is made up of. Cycles, rebirths, transformations. Seeing death in this same way helps you see that your own life is nothing but a series of births and rebirths, deaths to all that is inauthentic, bringing you closer and closer to your truest, most real essence. 

I truly hope that this has helped bring you peace. If you’d like to hear the detailed version of my journey in this process, below is a link to a video from my Youtube channel all about the fear of death and how I personally overcame it:

https://youtu.be/3gRmHgZQYME

wish i could tell you

how to move on

but i won't have a clue.

i still dwell on things long past,

relationships both good and bad,

friends both dishonest and true,

i dwell on them

like rereading my favorite book

over and over they replay,

but i don't love them the way

i love books.

i experience them over and over,

like doing community service during jail time

you don't want to,

but you have to.

and so i'm trapped in the vortex of memory.

waiting for the black hole

to dump me in a new world.

but now,

i'm still travelling,

floating through a black hole

of broken thoughts.

i can't tell you how to get over it.

i wish i could.

but if i knew,

i'd dig myself out first.

because life has taught me

that if you help others before yourself

you end up rotting in a ditch.

Hi.

I'm done with this.

I just can't do it anymore.

In October, when we first started talking again, every time you called me it was like falling in love with every world that came out of your mouth. And it was different then, because I could convince myself that you loved me back. That every awful thing you did to me was out of love or confusion, or in my most optimistic moments that you were trying to save me from you. That you knew I was too kind for you, and you were trying to push me away to save me from your darkness. And I know that since you told me you didn't love me things were supposed to get easier. We were supposed to be able to do what you have been doing all along. Sex. just sex with nothing else behind it. But the problem is that once you ripped the idea that maybe we could be in love out from under me all that was left was the truth about what has been going on on and off for the past four years: you hurt me. Over and over and over again and you knew what you were doing and you didn't care. I still fall for you every time you speak to me, every time you call me pretty or tell me you missed me, but it's not falling in love anymore, it’s falling off a cliff. I've realized that even if you told me right now that you have loved me all this time, that all of my hopes were true and that now you were ready to love me back, I wouldn't accept it because even at my weakest, most vulnerable moments where I feel so small and the world feels so big and I worry that you are the only person alive who has any interest in protecting me from it, I know that I can't love someone who hurt me so badly. You watched me break myself into these tiny little pieces and put them back together in the order that you like them, you watched me fall apart in front of you, push other people away, wait around all day long just hoping that you would call when you know better than anyone that that's not who I am. Sex, however good it is, isn’t worth letting you think you can hurt me like that and still have access to me. Sex isnt worth you using me, it isnt worth you hurting me, it isnt worth the shame i feel when you hang up and im left having to acknowledge how far backwards I have stepped and how much more work I have created for myself.

I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish we could have made it work, I wish it hadn't stopped working now, when I am perhaps most poorly equipped to handle a loss like this, I wish you could have just been the good person I tried so hard to turn you into in my head, but it doesn't matter because we do, and we can't, and it did, and its happening now, and much as i might spend the rest of my life trying to convince myself that you are good, a good person would never do this to someone they care about.

Please dont text me, because i promise you this time I will not respond. Don't call me because I wont answer. I am asking you please to let me finally fucking heal from this and move on. I am begging you to let me go and find someone with thicker skin who can handle the things you put me through because it's not me.

Im done.

@miki5

how to move on. catalogue no. 754-231c4b

disclaimer: some parts in the deluxe package (catalogue no. 754-231c4H are not similar in size and color with this package). additionally , some parts in this unit may be hazarous for children, or require the use of special equipment, usage of such is not reccommended under the usage of intoxicating preparations, or if otherwise not advisable.

Assembly instructions (please follow instructions carefully. for further instruction, feel free to contact our customer hotline)

1) insert sub unit A3 in slide unit J5. watch out that as you insert, the hole is clear of any dirt or shavings. insert sub unit A3 in slide unit J5. watch out that as you insert, the hole is clear of any dirt or shavings.

2) repeat the exact process with units A4, A5, A7,A8 , A10 , A11, A13, A14 into slide unit J5.

3) connect units B1-B76 with the corners of unit Z45, using the bolts marked S3. use the supplied hex driver, or conversly, use an electric screw driver, which is not supplied with the unit, catalogue no. 754-231c4b.

the bolts marked S3 are colored purple.

4) connect units A1, A2,A3 and G2 in counterclockwise , with units F1, F2, F3, F5 F6, F7 and F11, using bolts S1 (colored purple) . the bolts should be tightened gradually, to reduce wear on the springs .

5) take out the ceramic containment unit C1,  pour contents of instant coffee sachet provided into a spoon, then into the ceramic containment unit. repeat at least 2 times.

6) pour 1-3 sugar sachets into the C1 ceramic containment unit. add no more than 300ml and no less then 50 ml of boiling water, stir counter clockwise. caution! hot water may scald!). add 2-8 units of creamer to the liquid.

7) connect lubrication injector to the frame  G6 , using bolts S5 (colored purple) for improved performance and reduced wear, place both lubrication injector and frame G6 in a cooled container that is no more than -5°c for a duration of no less than 6 hours, prior to assembly.

8) using the supplied no.2 wrench (colored purple) , bend the north-facing edge of the sliding unit J12 and the north-northeastern edge of J4(colored purple). the bending should not exceed 72.1° use a compass if required.

9) dissolve 3 satchets of yellow dye (unit A89 , colored purple) in warm water. satchets are colored orange in issues delivered to the European Union. if the satchet is colored orange and you are not residing in the EU, add three tablespoons of salt to warm water and swallow immidietly, to enduce vomiting. replacements can be ordered separately with free shipping only in Argentina, Cambodia , and the Yukon territory in Canada.

10) attach sliding unit A1, A2, A7 and C2 to frame F7 using a spot welder (provided freely only in the deluxe package no. 754-231c4H ) battaries not included for safety reasons.

11) repeat steps 1, 4, 7, 9 again in counterclockwise.

12) by this time, you have correctly assembled the backrest unit. test resiliance of the torsion springs under a load of no less then 2670 kn for a duration of seven workdays. if you are residing in the continental United states, (national parks not included) test the load in no more load than 2341.65 kn for three workdays but only in the summer.

if the construction does not hold to determined load, dissassemble all components and reconstruct again.

13) attach bearing unit 1 under backrest pin P1 using bolts S9 (colored purple )

make sure the bolts are securly fastened as there will be no way to reattach them later.

14) take provisions container c6. open foil lid. remove the condiment satchet D4, and D2 (sauce ) . pour condiment satchet into container, pour souce satchet as you see fit. add aporoximateky 155 ml boiling water into the cup, stir gently with fork (A107, colored purple) and cover again, as much as possible wirh foil lid. wait 5 minutes.

Notice: this product is not kosher or hallal approved. people with lactose intolerence, allergy to kiwis, allergy to gluten-free noodles , type II diabetes, type C driving licence, canine distemper, or hepetitis C should consult their family doctor before usage.

15) attach 2.3v battery B9 into socket 1F. if you reside in Tunisia, it is advised to do this outdoors.

16) using the quick adhesive tube Q7 (colored beige) run a thin , continuous line along the edges of frame F65, gently apply waxpaper W1 so that it matches the frame, and is stretched evenly. after glue sets and cures, blow gently on it, making a humming noise.

17)rotate unit R5 inwardly, be careful to not apply force at all points , to prevent overstressing. this will form the lightning rod. unless you live in the Glorious  Marvelous Shiny Happy People’s Republic Of North Korea, you are advised to avoid high-voltage, low-wattage, mild-amprage  outlets, if at all possible.

18) mix the contents of ampule M2 and M3,  to form an epoxy resin. apply the mixed resin along the outer perimeter of the bracket holder N12 and H5.  leave 4 Cm of each edge untouched. after epoxy has cured, apply the rubber absorbant band R21 along the designated line.

19) use bolts S42 (colored purple) to attach the frame to the undercarriage. thoroughly dry the lubricant manifold before assembly.

20) use the stencil P6 (colored purple) and the purple spray canister P7 (colored off-white) to personalize the undercarriage section. for your convenince, we have added famous quotos by Leo Tolstoi and Alexander Pushkin, to match the Cyrillic stencil.

23) take all remaining nuts and botls marked S2 (colored purple ) and attach them counterclockwise along the clockface, for decorative purposes.

22) once the adhesive has dried, separate segment A19 from D12, make sure to remove all resin or other residue from the application surface.

21) if you are attempting to move on with your life as a result of grief and/or living in Australia, apply the mosquitto netting N7, N9, N2 and N8 ( colored purple) , to frame F2, F7, and F2 (uncolored) . this will provide closure and/or protection from insects. use rubber insert R9(colored purple and/or yellow) to fasten the netting along the fastening trench. for safety and/or convenince we provided an application tool in the deluxe package (catalogue no. 754-231c4H).

21) if you are struggling with indecisivness/morbid anxiety, attach the silk canopy C67 to the guide lines L67 (colored purple). tie the lines both to the canopy, and the harnass H51(colored purple) this will form the harnass and canopy of the parachute. explanation as to how to correctly fold the parachute is provided only in the deluxe package (catalogue no. 754-231c4H, colored white , with leather binding).

24) use the tape T31 (colored) to temporarily connect leg units L1 and L2 to torso section L3 (colored purple)

25) if you are attempting to move on with your life as a result of grief and/or living in Australia, New-mexico or Germany, New South Wales, permanently connect the legs L1, L2, L3, L9 to torso, using bolts S9 (colored purple) which are provided with the deluxe package (catalogue no. 754-231c4H). by this time you may experience some closure or have completely moved on. if this is not case you may apply epoxy resin E1 (unmixed, uncolored) to the joints. test the load tolarance. if it does not stand up to much load, YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE DELUXE PACKAGE!!!YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE DELUXE PACKAGE!!!YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE DELUXE PACKAGE!!!YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE DELUXE PACKAGE!!! (catalogue no. 754-231c4H). oh god! you should have bought the deluxe package. why didn’t you?! WHY?!?!

26) things fall apart and loss is an inevitable part of existance. moving on from personal disaster is a question of determination, and not construction projects. however, finding a constructive outlet to externalize grief, fear or emotional distress is a way to reduce the tension you may feel during this difficult process. we urge our customers to follow our instructions carefully, and to compose, if need be, further instructions as you see fit.

as we deal with grief , we try to explain what was the purpose of things, and how could things have led to this state. as we deal with anxiety and indecisivness we face a daunting fear of the unknown, and an imperfect view of reality. indeed, we do not know what are things all about nor for what purpose, if there is any to begin with. such are these instructions, which we hope you followed carefully, until you moved on.

I looked at him.

I loved him.

And he made me the happiest in all the world.

But..

Now thats gone.

And I have no one to love but myself.

So I will.

I will love myself more than anyone ever could.

And with that, the pain slowly goes away.

Slowly forgetting the ache in my heart.

And the days slowly diminish with I think of him.

And soon I will be new again.

I will feel complete again.

Whole.