It's harder to say goodbye

Because what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?

And saying that bad things happen for a reason,

will not stop the bleeding.

Because you moved on while I'm still grieving.

And my heart is breaking because you never said you were leaving.

Every time I reach for you, it takes a minute to dawn,

that you are truly gone.

Every time I remember,

all those nights in September

I fall apart in time with the seasons,

trying to battle my guilt demons

because I never got to say goodbye before you died.

I saw you

and

my heart filled

with love

shining in my eyes

reflected in your smile

with you

hello was easy

I love you

was not

far behind,

goodbye forever?

Never!

young

falling in love

marrying

parenting

working

and living

left no room

to imagine

dying,

that day

when

goodbye forever

would cease to be

a road not taken

and become

the final exit

hands holding

gazes longing

loving

pleading

please

don't let go

stay with me

not goodbye

never goodbye

we yet smile

our hearts

shattered

spill love

that pierces

the mist

of tears

the fog

of death

eyes shining

eyes closing

No!

Not goodbye!

Never goodbye!

I can't...

please...

don't go...

you learn to burn farewells like photographs

because closure cannot be found in words

whispered over forsaken ground to deaf bones;

and when the shadows creep into your what ifs,

you find the nights are easier

when you give your demons names--

they will be kinder to you

than all the words you never said.

it is only when the lid closes

to never be lifted again

and suddenly you can’t remember their face,

that you learn there is no such thing as goodbyes,

only hellos;

and every time it rains

you tie your shoes a little tighter

and walk a little faster

because someday the ground will claim you, too.

in a quiet room with beige walls

a girl kneels by a woman’s bed

the woman

with crinkled brown skin and wispy white hair

fragile as an autumn leaf

wrinkled and weary from a season now past

softly swaddled in hospital sheets

the girl

her skin soft and rosy with youth

and tracked with tearstains

they sat here together

as the girl wept

her head bent and shoulders trembling

hunched under the agonizing appreciation

of time’s ever-persistent march

she crumbles here, beside the bedframe

trembling with grief

in this beige room

a wizened, knobbly hand reaches

and grasps hers

the woman shakes with the frailty of age

but her grip is strong and steadfast

she pulls the girl close to her chest

and murmurs into her hair

the girl understands

not the words, but the meaning

the woman holds her here

and whispers

until the girl’s tears slow

she holds tight to the woman’s shrivelled hand

and she knows her skin will too be crumpled

under the weight of a lifetime

but at this moment, she rests

held chest to chest with the woman

breathing in pace

with one another.

the leaving gets easy after a while.

always for the same reason,

on repeat.

a broken record filled with

scratches and scrapes.

but the hellos,

they're all different.

walking up to a stranger,

a closed soul,

and struggling to find

words

in a place where there aren't

any,

is nearly impossible.

but somehow,

surviving the silence

and beginning a story

afterwards makes it

worth it.

They are some of the hardest words

youll ever say

but also the easiest

goodbyes are just

hellos in disguise

a goodbye

implies

that I want to see you again

a goodbye is never truly forever

for the memories of all those

hellos

never leave

the first hello is the hardest to say

but the last goodbye

is more heartwrenching

so when you say goodbye

you should say instead

I will see you again

maybe not in this life

maybe not today

or tommarrow

but I will see you again

Hellos are easy .

Who are you ?

What you're getting yourself into ,

You will never know .

Are they two-faced ?

Will they hurt you ?

Hellos get easier once ,

you get the basic expressions .

Mouth , pull it's corners up gently ,

Cheeks , their muscles contracted .

They should move upwards .

Eyes , slightly closed .

That's a base for a smile .

Their mind , a minefield of thoughts ,

an arcade for dreams .

But who are you to judge them ?

All you did was say hello .

Goodbyes on the other hand ,

are the worst feeling ,

possible , imaginable .

You are saying goodbye ,

to someone you know ,

someone you knew .

To say goodbye ,

You burn a part of yourself ,

memories , be it scars .

You learn how to react to each goodbye ,

how to recieve ,

and how to give it .

I found it be easier ,

to hate someone as you let them go .

It's like an excuse .

" I hated them because _ , therefore I can let them go without guilt . "

It's something like telling yourself ,

" No , this wasn't the person I knew . "

when all the while you were the one who changed ,

as everyone stayed the same . . .

Hellos take practise ,

Goodbyes , experience .

I don't know how to explain this but ,

hellos are easy , because said person is unknown .

goodbyes are easy , when you make them unknown .

goodbye,

when you first say hello you don't know what you're getting yourself into,

but relationships blossom with time, and ours did,

i can scroll through pictures of days filled with laughter, sunshine, and smiles,

i can open my messages and be reminded of the late night conversations about anything and everything,

i want it back, i want it back, i want it back,

even the sad days were better than the ones without you,

i kind of knew i was saying goodbye the last time we met, but didn't expect it to last an eternity,

but now we're drifting away, and becoming what we once were, strangers

never have i known a more bittersweet cycle,

of loving someone, and losing them to time, to life,

-we weren't meant to last forever, but i wish we did

When a relationship has ended, & you're hurting but you know there's no going back, why is it that you tend to idealize all the good times. You push back all the pain and anguish that your partner caused you and dwell on what you did wrong, making you feel inadaquate and you see your ex-lover as some kind of golden person. They don't want you anymore; so you must be the bad person. Is time the only thing that will let the truth come to you, make you realize that it took 2..... it just ends in 1.

I don't want to remember the things he took forgranted, because I know I took alot forgranted also. I don't want to remember his lies because I too lied, but not as often. Just because I admitted to mine never made HIS go away. It takes a big man to admit when they are wrong....& there aren't many out there that do. It broke my heart when I realized he wasn't one of them. Most just get madder at you as they explain & turn the conversation around to something that you did wrong.

"All the things you did behind my back"....he said....

I guess I'm so stupid I wasn't suppossed to see what he did behind my back. Or did he really think he was so perfect he didn't make mistakes?

In reality...I shouldn't expect the truth from someone who lies especially to themselves.

Things never spoke of....things that I KNOW. I could have accepted. Denial just closed more doors making the end inevitable.

I'm sorry, I'm dwelling....seems the only way I can make myself realize he wasn't the 1.

But it doesn't ease my pain.

When I met him...it was fanatical that first night! He made me laugh away all the trouble we had gotten into with his van breaking down & me just turning 20 away from home, stuck overnight (we had to sleep in the van!)

We would have died for each other back then.

Now different homes, different attitudes, different lives.

Built out of the ashes we left behind....talking...but never about the past except for saying I'm sorry.

Ashes aren't really good life material, if ya know what I mean.

Sigh...it's done.

& now I know just how much it cost me.