My sister slapped me any chance she got. She was skillful in knowing how long it took for the hand print on my tiny face to fade before our parents would see. She left scars on my heart as well.

Young Betty accused her teacher of abusing her. My parents weren't sure if Betty was telling the truth. The school tried to tell our parents that Betty was somehow "off."

As a young adult, Betty still hadn't left the nest. She failed the military and dropped out of college. Betty was fired from or quit every job she ever had.

Accusing both of our parents of alcoholism and abuse, her lies got worse.

She hitch hiked from Louisiana to Tennessee where our good natured brother was finishing up college.

The best Nick could do for her was ask his girlfriend's parents to take her in!

After a week of mooching, the lady of the house told Betty, "Young lady, you need to leave; go back to your parents and get yourself together."

She ultimately married and had an inter-racial child. Her husband, Tom, cheated on her constantly. She returned with a two year old child to good 'ol mom and dad's, expecting them to babysit the out of control kid while she went to AA meetings (even though she did not drink).

That's where she met Jim, her next husband. He and Tom mysteriously died at the end of their relations with her.

She sued multiple institutions.

She demanded her "wicken" pamphlets be allowed at the courthouse (where our dad worked).

She fled in a car she did not pay for.

Betty would not help me care for our dying mother.

I got a call today from a mental hospital in Arizona. They asked, "Will you help her?"

"No."

I honestly believe that people are dealt with and protect by their biological families because it is taught from the day they are born. These are the people that fed you, protected you, taught you how to walk and talk. Brought you clothing, got you through school, and showed you how to survive in their surroundings. If you were not physically abused or mentally abused you honored the family you were given. With them sometimes you could be yourself. And you could count on them being brought up similar to you. But there are downfalls to families as well. If you were gay, the family might not accept you as you wish they would. You were bought up to think it was unconditional love until a condition occurs. Some families are ashamed that their family member is gay and some are proud and love them as they are. Times are changing and people are more perceptive to human change than before. Being gay is never a problem, just a lifestyle. More than 60 percent of molestation comes from family members. You will be judged more by your family than a stranger could ever do. Your family will hate on you if you do better than them. When you look at your family, you see a bit of yourself in every one of them. You want to protect them, but you don't want to lose your life for them. But certain people in the family you would. If you had a poor family, you wish they were rich. If they were rich, you would worry about loyalty. If you chose another family other than your own, you would probably feel like you are missing something, but you might be happier. All in all, the keyword in this is ...Your Family.

Parents are our first role models. How they treat us (particularly in the first five years) determines to a large extent how we treat others. If we are brought up well, then we can develop to become law-abiding, contributing, well-balanced, happy, healthy adult members of society. We will also learn that ‘love’ is reciprocal and unconditional. We don’t need to ‘earn’ our parents love. They don’t need to ‘earn’ our love. It is the default presumption and the basis for judging other people’s relationships in the future. Parent-child relationships determine our future relationships with others as adults, in particular, when forming our own boy-friend-girl-friend pairings. Of course, if the parents abuse the position of trust over us, or if they neglect us through divorce, separation or abandonment, the damage is extreme.

As we get older, we can ‘choose’ whether to continue the relationship with our parents. If they abused/neglected or abandoned us as children, then we can choose to do the same to them as adults. Adult relationships are a choice. Parent-children relationships are not a choice. Children start as totally dependent on their parents. Good parents encourage their children to gradually become more and more independent as they develop and mature. The best outcome is that the children become adults who are independent and so no longer ‘need’ their parents, but choose to maintain a relationship with them.

Siblings, grandparents and the wider family are less important relationships. Here, there is less ‘need’ and less ‘dependency’ or bonding, particularly if the age difference and/or geographic separation is great and then it is definitely a ‘choice’ whether to maintain these relationships.

Similarly, it is a ‘choice’ to ‘love’ step-parents/children. These people have to really work hard to become part of their reconstituted family. I wish them all good luck!

finds us in sometimes beautiful and cruel ways. Because it’s familiar, because it’s you, because it’s home. But not all love is equal or deserving; some need liberation or forgiveness and others nurturance. Love is and should not be filial. It is not a duty or a responsibility but a privilege. It’s logical to want to curate to whom we choose to love yet humans are illogical; we are exasperating, an enigma yet so predictable. We always go back to the familiar because it’s who we conflate as right, as safe, as us. But love isn’t determined; it is created within ourselves for ourselves to give and to take as freely and as openly as we desire. If only we listen.

The answer isn't that simple, it's not a choice or because you were born into them. By that I mean love of any kind is constantly evolving. At first it may be because you were born into your family but as life goes on it kind of evolves into a choice. Sure there may be strong biological ties, but you have to choose to love them. You have to choose that even on the bad days they are worth it. At first though you love your family because they are all you know and they brought you into this world. Later on though it's because you want somebody to love you back.

We are born blank slates, our caretakers holding the chalk that writes our stories. We trust they will be gentle with the it; that they will draw carefully a picture of happiness. Of family. Of support. Of love. What happens when that chalk - that trust - is broken? Your mother says she loves you unconditionally, but you don’t feel it when she looks at you disgusted and says “You are just like your father!” You say “I love you” to a cousin you barely know, but is that how you really feel? As we grow, we observe the people around us. We learn about their failures and their successes, the more complex pieces of the puzzle. The love we feel (or not) for our families is as complex as the human experience; it is not as simple the question poses. Initially you may love them because you are taught to do so, but you don’t always because emotions, like humans, are ever-changing. I think the real answer is we are born loving certain parts of a whole we can't fully see and when the full picture comes into view, it sways our feelings one or another.

if we

were not

our parents

children

would we still

love them

if we sat down

at a bar

with them

and talked politics

and our inherited

borderline personalities?

or because we didn’t

know them

before

we were born

and they are what

we know

are we to love them

as individuals

the people who

put up

with our

bullshit excuses?

A little bit of both. It just not as simple as being born into it or choosing. The complexity of it all is massive. We do not choose our family, but interactions with them and lessons learned from them (good or bad) have a huge role in shaping who we are from the moment we are born and into adulthood. There is a point however, (once we know better and can understand/reflect) that we do choose. We loved them first because we were born into it, and we will be forever grateful (or not but definitely cognizent) for the experiences that helped us grow but once we are able to gain a new perspective and see our family members as individuals we choose whether to love and be loved or to create distance and find others to love. But then again, there are some who don't feel they have the right to choose not to love them and others who are afraid to choose not to love them and yet still more that lack the confidence to go through with the choice not to love them. SO my answer is like when someone asks me how I think the universe came to be.. I don't know -yes we know of the big bang but then what made that happen? and then what created whatever made that happen? and so on and so on. I don't know and none of us ever will. :)