I have "ah, dis head don't work" or ADHD like the fancy people say.

Autopilot or airplane mode is where my head goes - there is no in-between...

Leg shaking syndrome that gives anxiety and palpitations for no reason at all.

I see 15 problems and 10 solutions with every sentence, argument and problems.

When I have a problem, I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that could go wrong.

Hyper fixations never last but they entertain my restless mind.

"Why are you so restless?"

Reoccurring procrastination is a result of confidence. People who lack the confidence to succeed in their task tend to delay starting a project because they fear failure. People who are full of confidence tend to delay starting a project because they lack a fear of failure. Saying you got distracted is an excuse to justify your fear of failure.

i'm ashamed of my inspiration. i'm disgusted by my own feelings which only makes them pile up. i can only write confessionally because every thought, every longing, every love is a sin.

i feel so intensely, so intimately. i fall in so deep that i can feel every fibre, smell every sky, i can live another life and record it. but then something catches my eye. i'm overtaken by another thought, another sensation, another idea. and i want to taste it, i want to grab it and bite into it, gum it, get high off it, purge it, feel it to it's entirety. i refuse a sample of emotion, i have to lie in bed with it every night and find out everything i can while it fucks me into oblivion and leaves me with a busted rib.

i'm winded by everything and it pours out of me in long streams of success. i can do it, i can make art, i can be this, i'm capable of more than dreaming.

and then i'm so sad. i'm so miserable that it tears my guts out. so i put my guts on a clean page.

then i'm in love. i'm so infatuated. it makes me bury my face in my hands and laugh and i put the blood in my cheeks on a new page.

then i'm scared. i'm so terrified it steals my lungs and so i put them on another page.

and then i'm happy. finally, i'm happy. and i go to press a kiss to a fresh page and look back. all the others are still there. unfinished and unsustained by joy.

I love that there is a challenge up about procrastination. It gives me something to write about while my Hugh vs Leftover/Pirate & Crew storylines are dormant. I've even been guilty of procrastinating on writing Bible journals recently. But as for today's topic of procrastination, here are some of the traps I fall into....

- I'll write on my lunch break.

Sometimes I actually do, but normally I am mentally fried and just want to do nothing when lunch comes around. I also don't like having to stop writing once I hit a groove in order to return to work, so often I will abandon plans to write once my break rolls around.

- I'll write tonight when everyone goes to bed, and I have a quiet house to work in.

When I'm awake enough, this actually is a great time to write. But most of the time, I am equally exhausted as the rest of my family, and I wind up going to bed without writing a word.

- I'll get up earlier and write in the morning.

Sometimes I can crank out something short like a Bible journal, but this tends to not be an optimal time for stories on regular work days. This falls into the "I don't want to have to stop once I've hit a groove" trap, and I am also a big fan of the snooze alarm. I have been better about getting up earlier to do some reading and praying, but early morning writing is still hit or miss.

So how do I break this cycle?

I try not to be too hard on myself. Writing is a hobby for me, so it isn't something I have to do. But when I read the words of others, get inspired by their lives and the lives of the characters they create, and also enjoy stories through other forms of media like gaming and anime, I remember that I love writing because I want to do the same things that these writers do, and I acknowledge that I will ultimately get back into it. I try to write at least a little something each day to keep the writer mind going - gratitude journals through my church tend to be that daily routine for me. I've found that when it comes to feeling like writing, I have to just start, even if it doesn't feel natural to do so. Just about every time that I do this, I begin to find the inspiration and motivation I need, and the love I have for this craft emanates. In compete irony, I had to force myself to write this piece about procrastination, and now that I've done so, I'm glad I did. I wish all of you the best, and I thank you for the words you write - words can't express how much your work means to me. Cheers!

Procrastinating is the processing of the next project,

It's not being lazy or waiting for rejects,

The mind is trying to get every musician and instrument,

Into the right position, it's preparation not amusement

On the outside you are nothing but a thinker,

But inside you are the conductor,

The one who takes a sheet of notes and turns them into a refined melody akin to a bee who turns nectar into sweet

golden honey

It's a sacred routine that very few understand easily,

Creativity is a symphony, people love the harmony

But never stop to observe the chaos that created that same beauty.

It waits by my side

Waiting for weakness

It takes and it respites

From my humble meekness

Reeling me in

Distraction by distraction

It feels quite unlike sin

But more like timely attraction

Sometimes it's because the sun shines too brightly that one has this urge to go outside.

Sometimes it's the heavy rain demanding for melancholy.

Sometimes it's the people laughing next door, adding more to the loneliness one feels.

Sometimes it's the joy of a party hinders one from working.

All the reasons out there are valid, that one thing, has never been a priority. It is okay so long as one is aware of the consequences.