This will not be like my other posts, this one will lack poise and refinement, but it will be as raw and real as anything I have ever written. The morning is cloudy, it's just rained, but the clouds linger over us. So, what's special about this morning? Nothing. I had plans to go out with a friend, a friend who won't reply. My dad asked me, "How's college? How are your friends?" and all I could ask is "What friends?". My adventures are always alone, but my deepest secret is that I want a group of friends in college more than I could ever imagine. The last few weeks have been a steady stream of people ditching me for something better, reinforcing the notion that I will always be 2nd in someone's life, even if they come first for me.

The only good group of friends I have is scattered across the country, weekly facetime calls are the only thing that reminds us that home is made of people, not a place. And under the veil of my online identity, I will tell you my biggest secret. Last week, one of my friends asked us, "If you could be granted one wish, right now, what would it be?", and that was the first time I've ever lied to my friends. We laughed, more happiness, more freedom, maybe some Taco Bell, we joked. But here it is, here is what I wanted to wish for, so horrible that I haven't even been able to say it out loud.

I wished everyone would forget me. I wished that no one would feel pain if I left. I've wanted to run, disappear, leave, drown, and the harshest one of all, I once wanted to leave this earth. But there is a thought in my head, that the people who really love me, might feel a irreversible pain. It's like a safety net, and they will never know how deeply, they are the only thing tethering me to this world. But, by god, sometimes I wish that no one knew me, so it would hurt them when my feet break out into a run and I disappear.

It's a horrible thing, I know, but I can only be lonely for so long. I'm sure it doesn't feel like the end of the world to you, but to me, I think that the world would keep spinning and it wouldn't make a difference. The only thing that stops me from just disappearing is that it might cause more pain than my freedom is worth. Will this be my life? Adventuring alone and telling myself that I like it better than being with people? What is it that makes me want to run away? I'm looking for something different out of life and people my age aren't seeking the same things. I can't pretend the alcohol makes me feel full, it only leaves me feeling empty. I can't cope the way they do. Because if I do, and I reach the bottom of the bottle, it'll be as empty as I feel.

I'm sorry, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry for the tears that are falling from my eyes and I am sorry for the pain I feel. I know you don't have to be reading this, but my god, I appreciate it. It means the world and more to me. This is my safe space. This will be the secret I take to the grave. It's a cloudy morning, and I still can't see the sun in the sky.

I feel like I am always lost floating in an ocean of others emotions, I always have space for others because I think that’s who I’m meant to be. Although I feel like those I hold the most space for do not know much about me. Like an agent undercover, the real me peaks its ugly head out sometimes then quickly gets pulled back in when there is a problem to fix.

Building people up who would watch me crumble, holding on to hope that I am important in their life. Maybe it’s my own fault, I rarely let those in that are the closest to me, there’s no need to worry them all with the complaints that run circles around my brain. The one who adapts the one who perseveres no matter the circumstances the one who can just flip the switch pull the smile and move on.

Lieutenant Young stepped aboard the ship, looking back at her fiancee, Rei. He smiled, and nodded, as she took her final steps on the I.S.S Yamamoto. A single tear ran down her cheek, as the doors slowly sealed, along with her fate. They were on a voyage to the Andromeda galaxy, millions of light years away. Everyone knew what to do; step inside the cryo pods, and count to thirteen. That's about the amount of time it takes to fall asleep and go into metabolic stasis, and then they'd awake a hundred years from then, when they are close enough to their destination. Sumara did just that, and began to count.

"An, be, kho, śen, jo, sei...ka...te...nùr...lei...leán...lebé...lekkò." She said, getting sleepier and sleepier after each number. "Sláre, Rei. Goodbye..." Sumara said weakly, as she drifted off to sleep, hoping this would all be over soon.

When Sumara woke up, she opened her pod, expecting to see people bustling around, preparing for the landing on Idèle, their target destination. But what she saw terrified her more than anything; She saw nobody. Everyone else was still in their pods, unmoving, still in metabolic stasis. She got up from her pod, and frantically began to look around the large room, desperate to find someone, anyone who was awake. Perhaps it was an elaborate prank? She laughed. They must have been planning this since they left.

"Haha, very funny guys. You can come out now, jokes over. I said the jokes over, and as your Lieutenant, I'm ordering you to come out now." She said, now upset. The joke had gone too far. But when nobody but the silence drowning the room responded, she began to worry. What if...what if she was the only crew member awake?

'Wait,' She thought, 'There's a computer system aboard. I can just ask how much longer we have until we land. Hopefully they wake up soon.' Sumara thought.

"Atlas!" She said, speaking the computer's name. It responded.

"Yes, Lieutenant Young?" It asked. She nodded. At least the computer was active.

"How much longer until we land on Idèle?" Sumara asked.

"At our current velocity, the landing on Idèle is approximately...ninety-seven years from now." Atlas answered. Sumara couldn't believe it. They weren't even halfway to the planet. She fell to her knees, and sobbed. She sobbed because she realized that she would probably die on that ship. That she would never see Rei again. Never get married to him. She'd be stranded in space...forever. Through her sobs, she somehow found the strength to ask Atlas another question.

"Atlas, h-how long ha-has it been s-since t-takeoff?" She said, her voice catching.

"Two and a half years, Lieutenant." It replied. When he said that, she could feel herself slipping, and she fell to the ground, as everything around her began to fade to black.

My fingers hover over the keyboard

I don’t know what to type

I’m afraid of what should come

If I really lose myself in the writing

Sometimes when I zone out

I look back at what my fingers do

And am astonished

I had no idea that was even in my mind

It scares me

I don’t want to be an open book

Especially for strangers online

My mom did that

It was really bad

She wasn’t even trying poor thing

But I won’t think about it

I refuse to think about it

And I will not let any such thing happen to me

Not me

So this I am afraid to lose myself in writing

Funny because when I feel stressed

Or scared

I choose to plunge into the keyboard

And lose myself in writing

But not this time

This time I hold myself back

Reserved

Out of fear

Fear

Fear

Fear is an interesting word

It can mean both good and bad

“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”

But fear of people is sinful

Fear of yourself is real

I am afraid of myself

Those pieces I have stored so carefully

In the deep recesses of my mind

I am afraid they will resurface

If I lose myself

I don’t want that

I close my eyes and hide away

From the fact I know myself

To be a horrendous hideous monstrous creature

Deserving of nothing

Yet I can’t let it show

When some of those pieces come to light

The people stare

They walk away

Leaving me more alone than over

And they think that’s the worst of it

They have no idea

Tip of the iceberg

The iceberg that will sink the Titanic

The Titanic me

Seeming beautiful

But deeply flawed

Doomed to sink

Down

Down

Down

Until all the good in me dies

And my life is a wreck

At the bottom of the ocean

People don’t talk about when the Titanic sailed beautiful

They talk about when it sank

How it never resurfaced

How nearly everything on it died

If I begin to unpack my thoughts in this way, allowing thoughts to flow directly from my mind to my fingertips to the screen, I am not entirely sure what will appear on said screen before my eyes. What if I don't like it? what if the unabridged, unedited version of my mind is repulsive to me? What if it is to others?

But -- isn't this why we write? To find out what lives inside of us? And not only what lives inside us as the writers, but to discover what lives inside of all of humankind? Isn't that the point of it all? I write to learn things I didn't know I knew until I began to write them down, and this, too, is a surprise to me even as I write it.

I am supposed to write until my head is empty, and a part of me worries that will never happen because a writer always brims with more words waiting to be spoken. Well, written, I should say. And yet -- somehow, I know my head will empty itself. Because I know so well the familiar feeling of writing in my journal, almost frantic, scribbling lines of thought into existence upon my page in black ink, desperate to pour ideas and feelings and the very idea of being alive, onto a page and capture it there, where it will remain, stained in ink, long after I've forgotten I ever felt that way or had that epiphany or underwent that experience. I know the feeling of dumping myself onto page after page after page, and then, suddenly -- it's enough. I'm done. My pen drops, I let out a breath, I scan the last sentence of my page, I give a shake to my aching wrist, massage my cramped fingers, look at the window, and bask in the feeling that my innards are now clinging to a page, rescued from the abyss of the mystery of my being and held there to paper for me to look back upon later. My head is empty in that moment. My words have run freely, and they have run out. In those moments, I feel overflowingly full, yet marvelously emptied and unburdened. It is that sweet moment of both. Both empty, and full. Reminiscent, and hopeful. Clearheaded, yet awed at the mystery. Both the excavator and the hidden treasure, at the same time.

So, because I know this feeling, I am not worried that I will have to keep tapping away at this keyboard for eternity. I know there will be a moment in which my words have run their race and my head is, for an instant, empty.

What a gift this challenge has given to me to be able to freely write until I reach that point. A mess and tangle of words usually reserved for my journal will appear for all the world to see, and that thought does not make me afraid.

This is one of the greatest gifts of being an artist, of any kind, and writing is art -- this not being afraid. Most of the world is afraid to show their vulnerabilities, and we are, too. But we cannot give in to that fear. To create art is to embrace vulnerability. it is to expose it in others, too, to bring out the worst and the best in humans.

Sometimes I am afraid I will never be able to do that -- that all of my writing falls short, and always will. That I will never write something that perfectly captures a moment, the essence of a perosn. And I am right to think my writing will fall short. I know I am. In part because I am a human, and in part because existence is to broad a thing to be captured into words, no matter how expertly spun. The thing that is wrong is for that to make me afraid. If I choose not to write because I am afraid it will not be perfect, that would be like choosing not to live because life isnt perfect, and that is unthinkable. Life is unbearably, achingly beautiful, and is the furthest thing from perfect. What if my writing, too, then, could be both? What if it could be so wonderful it makes my heart ache, and yet be flawed, at the same time?

Isnt that what it means to be alive?

I hit my sweet spot. I havent yet realized the meaning of my words, but I found the spot when my fingers wanted to stop, and my brain had no follow-up thought.

Signing off, L.

My dad is trying to reach out to me. He contacted my aunt a few days ago over a Facebook message request. She still sounded shaken up hours later when she called me to tell me. I knew from her voicemail that something was wrong but still she tried to pretend that everything was ok by making small talk about what courses I'm taking this semester. I think that I've been afraid since her first missed call, I was certain that she was calling to tell me that my sick family member had died.

I took the news rather apathetically, as I've learned to be as far as my father is concerned. If I don't care, he can't hurt me. That's how I got over the grief of him leaving the first time. Granted, it took me years to accept it, but I was a child then, still learning the survival strategies that I'd need to get cut my way out of the webs of manipulation.

I never was a fan of spiders. Any bugs, really. I live on my own now, with no younger brother to come kill them for me. Last year there was a huge one in my living room, and that fucker was fast too. I managed to trap it under a glass, but couldn't work up the courage to lift the cup and kill it. I suppose it's a little bit cruel, or maybe just cowardly, but I left it there for weeks. I'd check on it sometimes, hoping that it had died already and I could stop walking around this cup every day. But he was persistent, clinging to life even after I'd trapped him in with what must have been such a confusing and odd barrier for him. Eventually a friend of mine came over, and offered to kill it for me. She lifted the glass and finally put the poor thing out of its misery with a bunched up Kleenex.

According to the screenshot of the Facebook message that my aunt sent to me, my dad is still blaming my mom for "keeping the kids from him." I don't remember much about him, but I do remember that he was never able to admit fault for anything. There's a lot of things that my memory is blocking from me, and I can't ask any of my family for help filling in the blanks. But, I remember how I felt. I know that I was scared to walk to school in my new town, and a part of me still panics every time a car slows down next to me. I know that he lied to me. I know that I felt betrayed by him. I know that he hurt me.

My heart still aches for the younger version of myself who was so confused, and couldn't figure out why their own father couldn't love them. Didn't know why he didn't care enough to figure something out.

I want to forgive him, but I don't even know what he did. I want to have a relationship with him, so then maybe my eyes won't tear up in the grocery store when I hear a father tell his little girl "I love you." He missed so many of my milestones, so many of my accomplishments, and now he wants back in my life? Now that I'm an adult and can sneak around behind my mom's back?

The worst part is, I know that I'm going to do it. I'm still not entirely sure on how I can do it safely, or how I'm going to protect my own mental health. Maybe I'm just setting myself up to hurt again, but I want to try.

Maybe if I care less, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe this time will be different.

What a darling delight of a challenge this is.

You've given writers permission to just... fucking say whatever they want? Brilliant.

So why is my head suddenly empty?

Hah. What a funny joke I've made, though it only makes any sense to me... The joke being that my head could be empty, duh.

I'm always thinking. There's a non-stop monologue running in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could just shut the hell up.

But I can't.

So I mentally drone.

I get so caught up in it sometimes... it distracts me from driving, eating, cooking, cleaning... fucking.

My words are an ever present pulse, beating like their very own morbid heart.

Telling me to look at the sunset, instead of the steering wheel.

Telling me to think about ink on pages instead of fingers playing on the softest bits of skin.

Telling me to go sit at the computer, tap away, let the dinner burn.

Let the world burn.

If only so the words can get out.

So here I sit. I tap, tap, tap at the keys.

Children snore in the next room over.

Dogs lie curled at my feet.

Dirty dishes in the sink.

Laundry in a mound, hidden behind the wash room door.

Dust all over the floor.

But I couldn't give a single shit.. so long as the words are flowing.

The feeling I get when I put words on page... It is a homecoming.

It is a heart pounding.

It is lips tingling with the pleasure of words unspoken, but nonetheless expressed.

And in those moments, I have no other care in the world. I am free. I am myself. I hide here, behind the guise of anonymity, and yet here... I am my one true self. I can show you who I am, because I am not terrified you'll hate me.

I don't care if you hate me.

I just care about getting the words out.

I just have to set them free.

So my heart pounds on, chest heaving under the weight of worlds untold.

I can't sleep.

So I'll dream while I'm awake.

Fair warning. The mind works strangely and I may start on one thought then move to the next, but return farther down the line I don't really know.

ok lets begin imagination beginsds as one point and moes to the next sometimes there is no stoping.

you come up with one idea then end with another but sometimes it just doesnt end. and the ideas keep coming but dont end in the last part of thinking one ould think that the next section is good but not really. point being what is happeoing now these are not randome words we are just trying to figure out which onew to write fuirst before we continue on to the next. our mind works alittle diffrent its on whats called a cycle system this system workis like a round never edning cycle and you can grab an idea from it but in time it will be lost so rip it out to keep it with you but thet the others cycle around the prevous ones its amazing how it works weve come up with somany ideas but non have been brought to light yet they will be but er do not belive there is enough time in our lifetime to do such with this its unfortnate but thats the way it is.

in the end i would have to say that oh i got it there is a new idea

as death brings the light of dawn the mand sits on the stool over looking the castloe oin the hill this castle is long and winding and hangs over the sea drenched cliffs like a vulture it is one of the few castles beloning to the former count of Valklmornaki. it is also one of the most procesest and deadlyest of the world it hold signifigent value to the tribes arouind ehre and yet the military is going to blasdt it off the cliff they have set up exp[losives around the area so the thing will be blown and go crashing into the sea the man is next to 5 others 3 are military men when the bombs go the detnation is long and powerful they watch the smoke rise then fall as the cliff falls into the sesa below before the rest clears to show the castle still there the surrounding clift is gone and the castle is floating inthe sky not even moving or falling like it isnot there they then move and touch it the castle is stil there but the trouble is how do they destoy it they deside to fire there cannons at it the ships from seas fire and start to hasve brigs and morter fall form the castle before night starts the gun fire stops and the ships go silent for the night when morning arives the stones and fdamaged parts of the castle are fixed and thye ships in the sea are sunk. the clifff is also rebult like there was not explosion knowing something will need to be done they place somuch explosive powder inside that the castle sould have nothing left. there is so much danger that its impossable this could go wrong evacuated the city thy detonate it it destoryed not only the castle but the cliff and most of the city. aswell. thye jmilitary leave but the man stays behind and he looked over to the castle which now that darkness hads fallen the faries and beasts of legend rebuild there lords castle taking revenge the capital where the military came from is wiped from existence when a metal rod falls from the sky eradicating evverything within a 500,000 mile radious. killing millions and the royal faimly the castle returns and the people are scared they leave the castle stays like that for years before the year 1290 when it is moved and used my a king. the king is caled author he used it for along time till his death then its emty again the old man walkes up to the person who trys to see the next thing to happne whitch in in 1897 when someone comes to te cliff looking for the death of someone and wanting to kill manyt he takes a block from the castle he is praticaly imoprtal from it however it dont say like that as when knight falls eventhouhg he is log long gone he still has the rock in his posession it fliges up and he trys to keep it idt dont work in the end he is killed by the thing he wants the most as the mans head is in the way of the rocks retern to the castle it destoyed tyhe mans head as he lpokes up from his killing to see a rock fly faster than light bringing his corps and spreading it all across the land as the rock finds its way back into the castle.

in the late 1980's the castle was fired upon by russians as they fired they destoyed it many times thining it was fun and even nuked it somany times the place is unable to be live able or so thy think thjerte wrong as the enxt person to come is the onld man and the man continues to work onhowe to restoe the castle they take all the nulear energy and kenetick engery the wepons created and wipe most of russia off the map along with over 1.5 billion lives. as that is the amount of years that it has taken for the things to grow back on the cliff they deside to leave it there. . in the early 2000 the place was used as a criminal grounds but the enxt day the heads of the organization are hung out on stakes in front of the castle so the whole world can see. all 500 men. then in the year 2010 another nulear missal falls this one not nulear but evcen worse as the wepon eradecas everything on the isle and even the eye its an anti mater bomb byu the looks of things the energy would help alot but it would take another 5 billion years as there is nothing around it and the energy alone is enught to kill anything its so dense.

the man takes all the antimatterr and moves it over the india area wiping a crater so largew that it eradicats most of the world's population at the time. wiping a 3000 mile radus out into a crator but keeping the rest intact. by the magic of the man. the area becomes a new ocean and it just naroly misses japan and most of korea in its blast. by the agic of it all the ocean are mostly drained when this happens maing the area around al strange.

after that happens the caslte rebuilds and moves higher to the clousa

when the people of the planet travel the galazy in the year 4098 tythe sun goes nova the energyt aslone is amazing and even though thething would destory earth the guy takes the energy it is producing and redirects is away keping the sun from killing the castle and the last 50 million resedent of the planet. without knowing the man directs this huge energy blast inthe direction of the current people of eath in there new colony worlds making most of them dead ass the blast kills the coloeny of 500 planets and 3 ewmpire the the total of about 999999999.... unkown people. wiping most of a sigle arm of the galaxy off the map. the castle continues. and the people on earth loose contact with the people on the coloneys.

in the year 5009 the people are exploring repopulating the gaslaxy as the castle is stil on earth when a massive star dies the cartaker dont stop and just enters the castle as he wits the star destoyes everything except for the ship a ship from the depths of the planet earth that takes the castle and the man to a poket unsiver s as ithe sun wips everythign int the univers out briunging the castle out of the poket univers alittle to soon the biig bag kills the man and the castle along with the ship as it moves around restarting time but the sperits noloinger exist in out time. making them docile. and pet like with no magic abiulitys. ythis time around.

or perhaps its this one heres the series of books about life and all with a unique universe

the war to build, the story is about a future advent set in 2078-2200, during a war, that split the planet, most of the world's people left to explore space while they are just barely getting by, the nations of the UNR(United Nation of Russia) or the URN (the United Russian Nation), australia, japan, korea, and china, along with 4 city ships in their territories representing the UK, sweden, Finland, and scotland.

russia had enough of moscow so part of it ifnot most of it moves out of the hands of Russia and made it their own location out of that. like so eh?

These city ships are bigger than anything in the world and were built with the prospect of keeping the population maintained but using all the wasted sea space.

In the year 2087 15 city ships were built by these nations, but considering some of them were stolen by pirates the people held hostage sabotaged their own ship blowing 8 of the 15 ships to ruins. With 7 ships left 2 in the hands of the pirates, 4 in the territory of russia, japan and korea. With the last in the area one known as antarctica. Here sits a city ship 2 times larger than any other and outfitted to also work in space. Its job to wait until 2165 when the vessel would leave and head back to the nations when in range a signal would alert it to rise,

(side note during the war, and after the nations had been building thick metal platforms beneath their nations, maing in time when done and using the technology they have all researched they can raise their nation out to fht e earth, and travel the stars making them more powerful than anything in space now, giving them the name Undership)

Antarctica and the south pole melted, all ice was gone meaning that the water level rose to keep the nation safe, the undership production went around the nation and water creators were collected as well, and they had walls towering about buildings and places in the country and yet on the outside was water. The nation had a rail system connecting them though the water. So they could keep in contact.

However time is running out as the nation must rise before scheduled time as pirates start to close in and as people wish to return to earth to mine its almost already depleted resources, or their homes. So a signal was sent to the seid ship and the quest to get the underships rising started.

the underships are moslt like well there ok so ever scoooped up dirt on your hands its like that just encase in metal and stik some engines on the underside and there ytou go thatas an unsershop its amaxing howmuch of this is still useable its like ok thing sare hapeing i was also thing ing ing up with are deadly wepons that could wip a fleet out wuth howbiig they are.

Revengenla. what about that for a name eh well i like it it looks cool and sounsd awsome imena look at the aneme it is even radiating its own power if someone named a ship this i think it would be prity cool as it travels the sea in some way or another its interesting how some things like this are just ever lating and go without being stoiped it amaxing how the ship likethis and oh i know about the wepons 5 railguns 40 mini secondary guns and another 300 main wepons in one owns fassions and of cusre the 500 min guns deking thi=s thign out asnd aslo dont forget the missle tubs filled with tunsten rods that fire and can destory the world this thing si asn arsonal i know the laast part was from somrthing but it is possable i know becuse it can be dione death to whoever had the wrong idea about the ship. well not reallyt but it does strike frear in your heart eh?

the Rissen, in this book the city ship starts to send the under ships to space, it opens waiting for Russia to leave with 2 city ships. As the water starts to go down filling the hole in the ground, the ship uses the current to cut over 2 years off its journey to Korea, the ship talks about life outside of the ship and on it , as it continues to flow the task forces avengers.

gone to a new beginning, this is when they leave earth an when they get out of the atmosphere they see the city ships fighting though the thick and thin of the people who have returned with a massive drive the city ship takes in its field the underships/city ships and jumps to a unknown location. Taking 3 enemy warships with it. They look for places to call home and colonize.

the next opne.

this tells of the pirates adventures during all of this.

USSOE (UNited Solar System of Eternia), and the military outpost known as SPOST’s (systematic planet outpost support Teams ). those to names i mean can you emagine the power behind them look at them they are soo powerful and intersting it takes will powre to creat somehgin like this iman look its ok so i dont have it completely though of lagistics and all but the baseline ids done right and that all you needd to start with anyways this is something that will be interesting and see what i talk about like the defense of aldonia. its a planet in the USSOE its one of the most largrst mining system in the area producing most of the metal and dangerous crops of weepons for the empire for the past 500 million yerars the place is a symbol of power spread though out and capital is proatically 80 trillion gold pers quare inch noone can buy land unless you own a comp[any or work at one each person may be rich but they dont flawnt it around they atually use it sparinjg ly and keep the money in a side space to be used later one if someone dies in the comkany there earning (ewithout an air) are moved over to the rest of the peole and split amoung them all.

the next part would have the undead rise asive they are no omre but who knows. eh.

well i should probally stop before i do anything if i had more power to go on i would continue with typeing but my wrists are killing me.

2,500 words that good i guess,

glass temple and weathervain kind of lies and mysterious cracks built on earthen leaves rainwater crawling through empty vine snaking like smoke up and down and through the walls

give in and free yourself or dont or give up or in out through

through the walls lit by candle light or whip lash trembling lightning laughing spilling though your mouth and out and over the terrible hilltops dragon laughter dragon wings flapping and generating the most horrible gust of air enough to knock them all over and extinguish all the flames

no more light just dark just a wind filled sky and blinking eyes in the sky

fall to the ground and pick up a handful of earth worm like fingers and tentacle arms tear through the skin and bone unlawful sins gush roses ragged breath

someday some one will find this, remains and remains and plentiful skin shells littered empty open weaved through each other like sick lovers too lost too soon too broken and misshaped to identify cracks in the line through the earth through the sky

when the clouds crack in half and the moon crash lands and glittering gold the blinking eyes align like firestorm wicked planets gone

touch the sky and forget to do anything but extend a fingertip peel the flames away from the sun and wear them like a crown

take that fire with you underground

Well, my thoughts as I read this were about trying to find something to fill the endless hours of nothing. I currently have 2 jobs, one in my field and one as just extra money. However, it is slow at both places right now so I work maybe 3 days a week. Sitting, eating, laying down, reading, eating again, random drives, petting my cat- this is all I am right now. It is easy to get lost in the mundane and, upon waking, realize that you feel 'gross'. That sitting and basically doing nothing makes you feel empty and that you aren't trying to do anything with your life. The mundane allows dark corners of thought to reach out and make themselves more known- usually hidden behind professional smiles or busy hands, the corners take over your thoughts. Your health, weight, bank account, family, friends, all of it becomes vulnerable. Like open wounds that are reopened just for salt to be shoved inside. Sometimes the darker thoughts will pop out of nowhere: questioning if death is something you would fear or not if it were to happen suddenly, maybe by your own hand. I am NOT suicidal, but the dark corners sure like to make you wonder. Now I am a bit embarassed by where this tirade has gone- but as prompted I am just typing. Currently I am sitting on a small twin bed in a cabin I live in as part of my position at a camp as an environmental educator. With schools just starting back after the holidays, I only work once a week taking care of the small collection of reptiles and amphibians we have for our herpetology classes. I spend an hour everyday applying to jobs online, wanting to feel more like an educator than a fancy camp counselor. Yet, all I hear back is silence or interviews with undecided dates to hear back. I am 13 hours away from friends and family, wondering if I am on the right path at all, or if I am only flailing in a dark pond hoping I grab a log. The last several years I have been working in seasonal positions working in all types of environmental educator positions I have loved, except for my current position. But I am starting to feel weary of not knowing what or even where comes next. I am from Alabama and in the last 3.5 years I have lived in: Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, south Alabama, Bristol (UK), Alaska, and North Carolina. My heart never wants to settle, but my mind begs for somewhere constant. Somewhere I can put roots. Yet my heart screams for adventure away, away from the chaos that is family and the small town I grew up. Somewhere I can start anew, surrounded by strangers that become amazing friends I talk to through SnapChat. Surrounded by wildlife that I have only seen on TV, books, or screens. Surrounded by people that aren't from my small part of Alabama and comment endlessly on my apparently VERY strong southern accent while saying its cute, not weird. But again, my brain wants consistency, knowing that I will still be where I am in not just a few months but in the next years. Somewhere I can reliably be sent Amazon packages and have friends know they can open the door and find me. Where I can bring my nephew to spend a week with me everyyear. Where I can decorate and not worry about accruing too much to stuff back into suitcases to either go in a car or on a plane. Where I can get to know the store owner and pick at them for discounts and laughs. Life is a scattering of faces and places that I want to add to and all at once stop. The amazing excitement of stepping into an airport for another adventure while anxiety also eats at my insides reminding me I know no one at this new location but my heart stepping in and reminding me thats where the magic lies. Yet, my mind also whispers that time is finite and my grandmothers are low on sand to fall. That my cat can't follow me constantly, and she too is ageing. That my nephew hates speaking on the phone, and could easily forget me if I am gone for too long. Yet the song of adventure is in my other ear. Whispering of places, experiences, and friends to find, not through remaining in Alabama, but by adventuring and adding to my map of places I have visited. The swan song of adventure has won out for almost four years and most of me wants it to remain the winner. However, enough of me cries for consistency. To not switch coworkers like old socks and instead greet the same faces every day for not months but years. To have steady income and not wonder if I will have to ask my parents for help when work is slow or I am between places. My soul cries for a relationship not founded on a few weeks and fizzling out because I know I won't stay. Cries to create roots that connect for more lasting memories rather than amazing blips of time in my life. I know Alabama is not my home, it has some of my heart, but it isn't my future. My family likes to remind me that if I am far away, or god forbid in the north where snow isn't just in pictures but on roads as a consistent feature half the year, I won't know how to help myself. Yet I defend by stating my nomadic life has created a strong independent soul that can't be told it needs to have help. That I can't move somewhere permananetly far away because I would be alone- no my soul screams that I will make friends and maybe new family that will fill that inevitable social void. Yet, here I sit on a small twin bed, alone. Two jobs did not make much room for creating outside friendships besides friendly coworkers. Here I sit an hour from the beach that I have not yet seen because I am tired of going new places to explore alone because I don't have anyone to ask. Coworkers at camp have left for different places and coworkers at bath and body works are too busy with their lives. It is not necessarily that I hate exploring alone, no I love it. But when the choice isn't there, it becomes lonely rather than exciting.