I write on my arms because I like to feel the words sink into my skin

I chew on the inside of my cheeks in an attempt to taste the pain of words misspoken

I too often catch my reflection and fall apart at the sight of my imperfection

I grow cacti to prove to myself that not everything I touch dies, just the fragile ones

I have a tendency to push people away because I'm terrified that they will discover me and I won't be able to hide from myself anymore

I like to pretend my words were not written by me because I like to pretend I'm not nearly as broken as all this

Hey, how are you?

Okay. I'm doing okay. How about you?

I don't hear your response.

I'm okay. I tell myself

I'm okay. And saying out loud

that I'm okay

makes me wonder

if I am

okay.

Every moment of every day

Is a struggle to feel "okay."

And just when I get caught up in not realizing

I'm not not okay

someone asks me how I'm doing

and I remember

again, each moment is

an assessment

of my body:

Do I feel dizzy?

of my thoughts:

Where am I going?

and to keep my heart from beating out of my chest

I grip my fingers into my things,

inhale sharply

and hold my breath,

widen my eyes and focus

on a distant object while I tell myself

that I am going to be okay.

How about you?

If I'm being honest,

I'm scared.

I'm scared of failure.

I'm scared of missed opportunities.

I'm scared I won't make it.

I'm scared I'll prove them right.

But,

I am strong.

I know I can do this.

If I'm being honest...

I'll be just fine!

A relationship with an addict is allowing the most meaningful moments of your life be consumed by someone else's darkness.....remember, you do not owe it to them to save them. it's not your responsibility to battle their demons. Love them enough and mostly yourself enough to let go and be happy for you and no longer allow them to use you as there security blanket in whatever way.

Writing something for someone else to read, to judge, to criticize, is one of the most terrifying things to do. Because everything that is written is a small part of me and to show it to someone else leaves me vulnerable to them. And yet to move forward and improve it is something I must overcome.