Here is the real reason the chicken crossed the road. So one day he was in his shower enjoying himself when a spider dropped from the ceiling. If you didn't know chickens are terrified of spiders. Anyway when he saw the spider the chicken ran out of the shower, out of his house, then he crossed the road. That is the true reason why the chicken crossed the road!

A guy walks into the bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Arnold the atheist dies and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven, where he is greeted by St. Peter, who tells him that, because he was an atheist in life, he must answer a biblical question in order to be allowed in. The question is an essay question: define the meaning of Easter.

Arnold thinks long and hard and then gives his best response: “A holy man is beaten, hung from a tree where he dies, is taken down and laid in a cave. A big rock is rolled in front of the cave. Three days later, the man in the cave rolls the rock away, steps out, sees his shadow, and goes back into the cave—six more weeks of winter.”

Why did the tomato cross the road?

Because he wanted to KETCHUP

with his friends.

Had a laugh when I heard this one:).

There once were three men fishing off the coast one night when a huge yacht passed by. They thought everything was going to be just another normal night when they heard a yell and a splash coming from the receding boat. Surprised, they start their engine and hurry to the sounds of distressed splashing. They were thankfully surprised when they pull a drenched, gasping man aboard their craft. After a few moments, the three men recognized the small, dark man as Barrack Obama. Obama, so glad that he was saved before he drowned, exclaimed to them, "Thank you so much, guys! If there's anything that is withing my power to give you, just ask it!"

The first man scratched his chin and, after a few moments of obviously strained thought, finally said, "Well, I reckon I would like a million dollars."

Obama gave the first man his famous smile and shook the man's hand. "You've got it, my man!"

The second man had been thinking about what he wanted, and he thought that maybe he was smarter than the first man who'd spoken up. "I wanna be a part of your cabinet, Mr. President."

Obama was struck for a moment before his wide grin returned to his face. "Of course, my good man! I'll get you sworn in on Monday!"

The third man, who was rubbing the back of his neck and nervously glancing around at the dark water around them, didn't speak until prompted. He still didn't speak for a moment before mumbling out something that the President couldn't hear over the waves. "What's that son?" he asked. "Speak up! Tell me what you want as a reward for saving my life!"

The man finally spoke up, but what he said only confused the President. "I'd like a grave plot, Mr. President."

The wide, easy smile that had been plastered on the Commander in Chief's face slowly faded as the words the odd man had said sank in. "I'm sorry, my good man, but did you say you wanted a grave plot?" The man nodded, his face as solemn as any Obama had ever seen. "Of course I'll get that for you, but would you please tell me why, after hearing the great things that your friends are going to receive, you ask for something like that?"

"Well," the third man began hesitantly, "when my wife finds out I saved your ass, she'll murder me dead, sir."

Raspberries from Heaven,

Sounds like a Bronx Cheer,

Raspberries from heaven,

Best served with a beer,

Raspberries from heaven,

Those were heard when I was born,

Raspberries from heaven,

I can hear the angels scorn,

Raspberries from heaven,

I still hear them to this day,

Raspberries from heaven,

The heavenly hosts at play,

Raspberries from heaven,

When will they ever stop,

Raspberries from heaven,

Must have been ordered from the top,

Raspberries from heaven,

How I sicken at that sound,

Raspberries from heaven,

You know what comes around,

Raspberries from heaven,

Now they only make me sob,

Raspberries from heaven,

Give those angels another job,

Raspberries from heaven,

When will it ever cease,

Raspberries from heaven,

In death will there be peace,

Raspberries from heaven,

The joke must be on me,

Raspberries from heaven,

Now the joke I finally see.

(c) BAM