Across the steppes, after four long months of winter and dwindling supplies, the starving Prussians, beleaguered by aridity and conflict, trudged their final miles. Staring glazedly into the middle distance, somewhere between their bleeding, swollen feet and the unbroken horizon, the gaunt leader of the tribe choked up a mangled cry of warning.

“Mgnhuh!”

All the shuffling stopped and in slow motion, the hooded heads lifted as one. Gasps and echoes of gasps cut through the frozen air, transfixed as if by some celestial vision. Then chaos. Despite their wounds and the wintry chill, they threw off their cloaks, frantically peeled off the layers of wool and fur, until all that clung to their broken bodies was the tiny floss of gold-lamé g-strings.

Writhing commenced. They had arrived. Cher’s 22nd final farewell tour.

*Rattles* Thump. *Rattles*

The drawer in the kitchen cabinet refused to budge. The last resort would be to break it open. It couldn't be ignored,there was much to be done. Shards of wood everywhere would please no one however. Maybe just a knock or two in the right places,it had always been fidgety. A pause,a sizing up the situation,a staring at red oaken tracings of leaves. Another long jangle and firm shake. Nothing.

The roommate walks in,and notices a cabinet staredown

"That drawer again?"

The only reply was a look of

forlorn indignation.

"It just needs the magic touch,here let me give it a go."

The drawer opens instantly to reveal its bare and empty state.

"I suppose I should have mentioned I used all the fairy

potion at my last yoga class.

I don't even think it worked."

*sighs*

"I'LL GET MORE LATER."

The shrouded character slunk off dejectedly towards his room.

The general's hand hovered above the button. Sweat dripped down his reddened face.

"You must do it, General." In contrast to the general's appearance, the agent appeared perfectly calm in his black suit and sunglasses. "If we do not do it, they will."

"Blast it, I know they will. But I just can't bring myself to do this..... To end millions of lives at once."

"If you do not do it, then I will." The general's hand came down..... and hit the button.

Nothing happened. No report of nuclear launch. No screaming of missiles flying into the air. Only silence.

And then the wall screen flickered to life as music blared out of hidden speakers. Confetti showered from the ceiling. And a ten hour loop of Nyan Cat began playing on the screen. And then the world exploded. A huge voice boomed from the heavens,

"Laaaame. This is the stupedist game ever. I'm gonna go to Game Stop and pick up a better one."

The fog was thick, making it impossible to see the source of the screams. I climbed higher up the tree, holding on to the rough bark like my life depended on it, which it did. In the thick brush of the jungle, it was impossible to tell what was hunting us. But I knew that it was not human.

Another scream echoed through my ears. I shook, my fear getting the best of me. I should have stayed, I should have fought.

And I knew I was going to regret my decision.

I carefully lowered myself down the tree, ignoring the burns the bark left on my palms as I landed in the thick jungle mud. It splattered onto my combat boots as I sprinted towards the fight.

I made it to the clearing, and our attacker came into view. A jaguar was no more than five feet away from me, its body rigid. It turned its head, and the yellow eyes bore right into my deepest fears.

I turned and ran, the traction of the mud slowing me down as my heart rate only accelerated. I jumped over roots that stuck out of the ground and avoided low hanging vines. The jaguar growled from behind me, letting me know that it was getting ready to pounce.

I saw the cliff ahead of me, and I weighed my options. Get eaten by a hungry jaguar, or jump off a cliff. Either way my death was imminent.

My feet did not stop.

My lungs gasped in shock as the ground left my feet. I was falling, the wind coming from all directions as I lost my sense of direction. Adrenaline pumped through my body as I had forgotten about my fear of heights. But before I could fall into the darkness, something wet wrapped around me, pulling me out of the dark abyss.

I was pulled back onto the edge of the cliff, and I looked at the source of the wet tongue that was wrapped around my waist. The jaguar stared at me and retracted its tongue, leaving a trail of slime. The jaguar barked at me.

I awoke in a start, sitting up hastily and taking in my surroundings. The jaguar was licking my face all over, preventing me from seeing. I pushed the jaguar away, and wiped the slobber off of my face with my free hand. When my vision became clear, I realized that my dog continued licking my palm.

“Cooper!” I shouted, and he barked at the sound of his name. I laughed as the fear of a jaguar chasing me faded into distant memory.

I had managed to fall into yet another battle, both weary and starved with the legion standing against me, alone. Their numbers terrifying as they stood 20 to 1. This was different, for I needed them for my life. I spoke ,"No matter what comes of this, I will love ye, and thank ye dearly for your service." I then began my conquest. My enemy stood no match. I devoured them entirely and my stomach screamed in pain : McNuggets consumed in their entirety aren't for the weak.