I feel like this challenge could get out of hand quickly. "Go on a rant." (Insert evil laugh here). Well, if I'm going to rant, brace yourself for a hate-fueled explosion of things that piss me off. Almost everything pisses me off.

Assholes that flip their collar up piss me off. I suppose the fuckers are so cool they can't were a shirt correctly, and I want to apologize if this is you, but I won't. Put it down. Please. Put it down.

Tailgaters piss me off. Blind rage. I'm not going faster. If you see my mouth moving, I'm insulting your mother in the vilest of ways. I'll slow down uphill and floor it on straightaways. My goal is you ask me to pull over. I have a plan for that. It's called beat your ass. Not getting it? Brake check! Please...rear end me. I beg you. I'm insured. Well. Are you? Guess who's getting paid? This guy. I'm getting paid. So get off my ass and I'll stop talking about your mother.

Dick heads that double park piss me off. I don't get it. Is that car your bank owns really that damn special? Is it? Is it?!??!? Well fuck you. I'm not fond of walking a quarter fucking mile to buy a loaf of bread because you so ass-wrecking important that your precious Kia can't be parked within a reasonable distance to another licensed driver. Guess what douche bag? I don't enjoy driving violations. So bet on me loving me more than you, and assume I won't t-bone your shitty car for fun. Got it? Ok good. Glad you agree.

Shoppers that block the aisle piss me off. I'm also excited you ran into someone you know at the store, but please stand to the side. It's not that miraculous. Control your excitement, try not to wet yourself and move out of my way. I'm sure your friend Betty is special, but move your ass. I know people. They're called my kids and I don't think they want to see their dad go to jail because you can't be troubled with the fact that you're not the most important person at WalMart.

Guys that eyeball my wife piss me off. I mean, she has kids and I'm right here. Really? You think I want you to look away, but really, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, praying from the bottom of my heart you cross the line. Just begging. Please. Do it. I know how this ends. You move sluggish, slow. I already see you on the ground. Go ahead. Cross that line fucker.

People that tell me I'm wrong piss me off. Yes, I get it that you're a dumbass and would do it differently, but got this. If I valued your opinion, I'd ask.

People that crowd my space piss me off. I can feel your breath. Too close. It's called a voice. Fucking project. I'll hear.

Stupid commercials piss me off. I'm amazed these people make a living for this crap. I don't spend money when annoyed.

People that wear their hat backwards and block the sun with a salute piss me off. I don't feel this needs explanation.

Sitcoms piss me off. Sorry America, but every man isn't a twobit dumbass. Every woman isn't a raging smart ass. Is this really the best we can do?

Nosy people piss me off.

Typing all this on a phone pisses me off because I live in the middle of nature due to the fact that people in general piss me off and I rather enjoy my happiness. And satellite internet pisses me off so much I miss dual up.

That being said, I piss me off because I can't bring myself to stop being polite about things that piss me off.

PS. This is intended as comedy. I hope you got a chuckle.

If Money were a banana, we'd be stripping the ligaments out of the peel with our teeth a trillion-trillion times over, all the while convincing ourselves we actually taste banana. 

Why? Because the banana isn't real, given to us with only enough tangibility to naw on and pass around. It keeps us occupied. With the pieces of banana peel to fight over individually, the poor and lower to middle classes rarely look past the peel to see anything, or question anything- afterall, they got a piece of the peel and that means they can taste banana! So, they never see that there is no banana, only a peel to strip into strings that can be woven into intricate nets of distraction... 

Scarcity. Poverty. War. Fashion. Social Technology. And so much more, we're literally conditioned from birth to follow the money before we even understand why. Most never think to ask, and so the Money Madness sets in. It starts with the shiny's we see from the carrier fixed in the baby seat on the front of the grocery cart while Mommy and/or Daddy try to stay in budget; graduates into anything we can touch on the lower shelves when we're big enough to toddle along side it while the parent(s) still budget, and eventually grows into demanding (or if the parent is lucky, asking for) another trip to the ATM for that money we're told we don't have; all before we've even hit double digits in age. This caged reality, Money's Madness Menagerie built from the diaper up, is the Truman Show no one watches because they're all living it. Buying and dying by the peel, always dreaming of the banana -from baby carriage to budgeting Worker and/or Parent.

Money runs our education system, is it any wonder it keeps going in directions that make our heads spin? Propaganda in the pages of textbooks written by corporations, select educators, and approved by local governments. Assessments dictating dollars well before anyone considers the children, while Teachers struggle with regulations, mandatory curriculum, and the children's strife in standardized testing and psuedo-food in the cafeteria? Nevermind the push for higher education that's been reduced to making money off the would-be educated long after they've achieved their degree in (we don't care as long as they have it)? Where's the voice of reason? 

Too busy fighting over the peel, dreaming of the banana.

Money runs our medical care system, is it any wonder there's more news on illness awareness and preventative medicine than the natural cures or true preventative actions? Why some plants are illegal but their synthetic, patented, pharmaceutically produced counter parts are flooded into human consumption alongside a laundry list of side-effects we can likewise be prescribe a treatment for? Why Healthcare facilities that make money decisions are better off, while those that make people decisions are often left to struggle? Where is the outrage? 

Too busy fighting over the peel, dreaming of the banana.

Money runs our agricultural system, is it any wonder it's cheaper to buy processed food products than naturally grown food? Why some have plenty while others die of starvation? It is any surprise the least nutritious but quite versatile food is the most subsidized? That seeds can be patented and paid-for to be grown, which do not produce seeds so farmers must pay again to replant- nevermind the cross-contamination and jack-evolution in other crops? The plants growing their own toxic (insect-combustion) pesticide or antibiotics forced into the animals we later consume so they can survive their living conditions? The slave and child labors, the land and water source take-overs, and so on? Where does it stop? 

Too busy fighting over the peel, dreaming of the banana.

Money runs our political system, is it any wonder corporations are considered people, but not held accountable for the damage they do? That we're disgruntled with our governments but haven't done enough to change it? That war is a go-to for profit among private contractors and nations? How lobbying is legal, or that the personnel from political office, corporation, and lobbyist can be interchanged election by election? The only televised presidential candidates have the monetary backing? Can we really be surprised that when these issues do come up, it's as a problem of it's own and not a symptom of money? Where is the demand for a resource based (we have them!) society and economy?

Too busy fighting over the peel, dreaming of the banana.

As long as we're fighting over money and dreaming of the life it will give us, we'll always make decisions to obtain as much of it as we deem we need for the quality of living we deem we need.  It leads to less than a hundred individuals having the same wealth as billions of individuals, and at the end of the day, that keeps us fighting each other while the whole world suffers and a few profit. Just think about it. 

Pull the stringy peel from your teeth and do some research, life doesn't have to be like this and there are already peel-eaters like us working on it. We all live in this world, lets all have a hand in how it turns out for future generations, eh?

-read and fact-check the books/magazines/TVshoes you're learning from, or your children are learning from (intentionally or not, its going in the brain!), and see if you don't start to question your education choices...YOUR CHOICES!

-read labels on the medicines you're taking and research what the ingredients actually are, research the money being made by that product alone, and see if you don't start to question your healthcare choices... YOUR CHOICES!

-read labels on the food you buy, research what the ingredients actually are, what they do (or haven't been tested long-term so no one knows...), and see if you don't start to question your food choices...YOUR CHOICES!

-fact-check your politicians, research the candidates main media isn't showing you as much as those they are, stop leaving your life in the hands of those you know nothing about, and see if you don't start to see you actually have choices... YOUR CHOICES!

If we all make better choices as individuals, it will force a global change toward better choices by sheer volume of demand. That's how it's always worked, we've just forgotten and allowed the banana-ideal to dictate what we do through advertising, convenience, and a number of other notions that make us feel informed and comfortable. We don't want the peel, we want the banana, but we chew on the peel because we think it tastes like banana. Wake the fuck up. Please? Thank you!

-M.E.

201603031100

America has been overrun with wimps and crybabies.

Law abiding citizens are having their Constitutional rights trampled on, namely, their right to free speech. How?

An unofficial law is being implemented and enforced across the nation, pushed forward by the group I refer to as PUSSIES (People Unusually Sensitive - Sissies In Every Situation). The PUSSIES have so successfully shoved their Politically Correct agenda down everyone's throat so far that it's now more important to be PC than to have an independent thought. It's gotten to where taking my aging grandpa out to dinner is risky....he might call the waitress "doll" or someone might hear him use the word "chink" if he starts reminiscing about his time in Vietnam. A few years ago, most people would've ignored it, or just recognized that he's old and sometimes old people just say inappropriate things. (Come to think of it, neither old people or kids seem to have much of a Politically Correct Filter.)

Nowadays, such behavior is likely to result in being lectured by a waitress as to how calling her doll makes her a sex object and then trying to explain to a bewildered grandpa that while he meant it as a compliment, that woman is just an uptight, overly sensitive asshole who probably needs to get laid. And possibly a lesbian.

Or if he's talking about killing Chinks (which he likes to talk about - I don't know why, I've learned to just go with it.) and then some patron at another table comes forward and says how their great grandmother is a Chinese immigrant and how they are very offended by the hateful slur and Grandpa's apparent Hate Campaign meant to belittle and demean an entire race. And then trying to explain to a bewildered grandpa that while he wasn't trying to offend anyone, sometimes people are uncomfortable when race is used as a descriptor, and that some people think Chink is a hateful word. And that yes, a blue eyed blonde could be the great grandson of a Chinese immigrant. Ugh.

No, it's better to go to breakfast at 6 am when all the other old timers are there....he'll be less likely to get scolded or glared at by some PC Nazi. I don't think the PUSSIES are out at Denny's that early for one thing, and if they are..... having an entire restaurant full of unfiltered old folks just gives them that many more targets.

I understand that actions and attitudes meant to elevate some people at the expense of others is wrong. And people who are prejudiced against other races are ignorant. I don't think being a bully is acceptable. I think that sexual harassment is gross and unfair. But I also think that Asian women are bad drivers. And black guys can run really fast. And white guys are terrible dancers. Yes, those are stereotypes.

Guess what, stereotypes are formed when something is MOSTLY true!When you read that statement, did you do a mental roll call trying to think if you knew any female Asian race car drivers? Or a slow moving black guy? Or a white guy who can dance like Justin Timberlake (*see Addendum 1b - Exception to Sterotypical Rules). At the end of your mental roll call, you probably came up empty or nearly empty. It doesn't make you a racist or a bad person. I hope you giggled a little bit, I find it funny. It's funny because it's true!

The PUSSIES will disagree of course. Getting "offended" is their bread and butter. Gives them a platform, a cause, something to bitch about when the rest of the day goes smoothly. I believe these people will always find something to bitch about, but will never have any solution besides "Something must be done!" or the old standby "More Education!"

I just hate the way people seem to be so sensitive these days. And we all have to cater to the PUSSIES because we don't want anyone to get offended.

I hate watching my mouth, I can't even tell you how many times I had my mouth washed out with soap as a child because I was caught cussing. I still like cussing. And I don't like to be forced to follow the Politically Correct guidelines just because some little person has gotten their panties all wadded in a bunch. (This statement is not referring to a midget - which by the way - "midget" has been banned by the PUSSIES and the PC agenda - the correct, non-offensive term is "little person".)

This is America (fuck yeah,'merica, *picture me punching the air as punctuation, whenever a "fuck yeah" is invoked). In America (fuck yeah!) we have the right to say what we want, when we want. Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing protected by our Constitution. So I'm going to continue saying the words I want to say. When my brothers annoy me, I will continue calling them fags. When my cat hides after being startled, I'm going to continue calling him a little pussy. And when it's just me and Mrs. Wong at the 4 way stop on my block, I'm going to wait for her to go first, because she's going - whether it's her turn or not. To the PUSSIES that are offended by this rant, I have one statement only; Fuck your feelings.

**for the record - I am a non-white female.

I live in a house with three other teenage girls, and while I understand that this is the source of the issue, I haven't a clue as to what to do about it. There is hair everywhere in my house. Everywhere. There is not an item, floor, wall, or any bit of mass that is safe from the falling hair. Brown hair, blond hair, short hair, long hair, and every kind and color you have ever seen, there is a hair for it in my home. I pick hair off of clothes, I pick hair off the floor, I sweep up hair tumbleweeds, and then clean some more. No matter what measure I go to, no matter how deeply, and thoroughly I clean, there is always more hair to be seen. We have lint rollers lined up by the dozen, we have hair catchers in the shower, and yes even in the sink, so you would sincerely think we would have hair under control, but alas the answer is still no. Hair in the food, hair in tea, more hair in our floors than is on our heads you see. Hair in the laundry, hair in the bathroom, hair on a chair, hair everywhere. One day I did think up a solution, and a nip and snip and few quick buzzes later, and suddenly there was no hair, but the girls got me back later.

I recently read a piece titled "I wish people cared as much about the Earth as who they think created it" and had a eureka moment. Although I cannot claim to be the most religious, I have spent my fair share of hours at church. On the other hand, I have never participated in a beach cleanup. People will talk and argue over politics in the Middle East for hours but there may have never been conflict if we realized that the so called "Holy Land" can be found anywhere we take care of. I am a firm believer that the grass is not always greener on the other side, you have to water it where you are. 

    Also, am I the only one who has noticed that there is one planet discovered that we can survive on, and hundreds of proclaimed gods that people have relied on.

    Maybe if we spent more time bettering the places where we all live there would be less problems to pray about. Maybe there wouldn't be people evacuating their island homes because of rising sea levels. 

   So maybe I am crazy, maybe I need Jesus, but a want to remind you that I find all religions perfectly respectable. I think it is entirely possible that many people have misfired their time towards prayer when it may be better spent taking care of the planet.