Leaning against the padded gym wall, I gasped for breath. My lungs burned. My legs felt wobbly. And I was going into shock.

Out on the floor, some of the other kids were still running in synchrony with the beeps emanating from the portable stereo. It was assessment week in gym class. Today’s test? Run the marked lane and cross the line before the beep. Then turn around and run back before the next beep. And again. And again. If you failed to keep up with the quickening beeps, you had to leave the course and your time was marked.

Gym class was one of those things that could only be endured. Why it should be part of my curriculum, I couldn’t fathom, although I’ve oft suspected that some parts of school were implemented purely to torture the students. As far as I was concerned, ping-pong and written tests were the only pleasant aspects of the class.

Yet at the announcement of this upcoming test, I took an unusual interest in the event. It was something that was scored. Therefore I wanted to do well. Obviously, I would do well. No half-measures for me, no apathetic dragging of my feet. Determination would win the day. I’d run until the cassette tape quit.

Still panting, I slid down the wall to the gymnasium floor. Something had gone horribly wrong. I struggled to work it out as my heart worked double time to supply my brain with oxygen. Then I had it:

I failed.

I gave it my all, but it wasn’t good enough.

At sixteen years old, I was slapped with the realization that the adage I’d lived by all my life, “you can do anything you set your mind to,” wasn’t actually true. My world had been turned upside down.

Naturally good at all things school, I was used to success. I loved learning. I relished every academic challenge and persevered through the toughest of them to “win.” I was also artistic, musical, and creative. What couldn’t I do?

Run to the cadence of gym class beeps, apparently.

A day later, the shock was wearing off and I was laughing with my friend. “You thought you could just decide to ace the test?” I was embarrassed to admit that I had. I hadn’t considered that there was a physical dimension that might eclipse my will.

And truly, I hadn’t considered that there could be something I wasn’t good at. Oh, but it felt good to laugh at my folly!

As funny as it sounds, that day in gym class changed my life. It opened my eyes to the fact that I’m not good at everything. I began to notice and accept my shortcomings, and even admit them out loud.

But do you know what else is funny? I didn’t realize until after college that I could actually learn to do better at things I’m not naturally good at. Not easily or quickly, and maybe not to the point of greatness, but it's possible to improve.

I now see what was obvious to the rest of the world: I probably would have done better in the gym assessment if I had trained for it!

I wonder what I’ll learn next?

“Is life a mystery,

which so many want to sort?”

I once asked this question

and the reply was a retort:

“Woman, is it your mind that you have lost?

Time is of essence

Don’t waste on such a quest

Don’t squander what cannot be retrieved

Go on, don’t think of rest

There is no mystery

and, there is no puzzle

Life is a river

and each day a new bank

a new discovery

Sometimes, it’s pristine sand

Sometimes, dirt and water you can’t tell apart

But what you see each day

is not the same as last

Flow – the purpose of a river

Flow – the purpose of life

The very effort to stop the flow

can bring a flood

and spell doom

So, don’t stop to solve the mystery

Instead, just flow

And discover what life has to show.”

~ ©nehasri/Neha Srivastava

P.S. ~ This poem was published in 2016 in The Ibis Head Review. Usually I would write a new piece for all Prose challenges but I believe this is one of the biggest lessons I've learned in life. Most often we get caught in the web of life or stuck in situations which require us to simply go with the flow.  Time is not just a great healer, it is also a great puzzle-solver. Sometimes what time shows us is way beyond our imagination.

#ProseChallenge #CotW66 #itslit #getlit

I used to think my Chinese culture held an exotic allure in America,

when my white friends spoke in awe of Chinatown

with its rows of old-fashioned fans and floral bracelets in the shops

and street vendors selling skewered sausages.

When we went out together they’d beg for Chinese food

and I’d ask why, tell them please no, that I

ate Chinese food every day and didn’t even like it

because my palate is the product of McDonaldization,

of the salty comfort of medium fries

and the gum-numbing first sip of an Oreo milkshake.

I used to think that being Chinese made me special.

People ran their fingers through my straight black hair

saying that they wanted darker hair and no more curls.

Was I not the perfect China doll,

small in stature and with eyes they told me were

“big for an Asian”?

I was proud of my Caucasian eyes-

only now do I realize that there’s something wrong

with priding myself in being different from what

ten thousand years of evolution have given us.

Only now do I realize that there’s something wrong in the way that

You thought you could sum up our culture

with sugar-soaked soy sauce and chewy noodles.

Now my eyes are too swollen with stress and insufficient sleep

and I’m not liking being Asian quite so much anymore;

in a half-Asian vocational high school where

freshmen self-study five AP courses and

strive to take calculus by sophomore year,

the horrifying thought is not that

we are pushing ourselves to the limit with no avail.

The horrifying thought is that in an agonizingly short amount of time

we will be forced to haggle with a system that is rigged against us,

and who can be proud of chow mein and

rolled-up ice cream- which we don’t even

have back in Beijing-

when Asians pay to have companies like Asian Advantage tell them

not to write about our “immigrant family coming to America

in a rickety boat with $2 while sailing away from sharks”?

When counselors tell us to “de-emphasize the Asian-ness”

and to denounce our culture and who we are,

simply for the sake of a college application,

that is when we lose our identity.

With the highest GDP and GPAs,

we become nothing more than numbers,

dirty numbers that must be scrubbed raw until they are

pure, white, “clean.”

America is a salad bowl of cultures

but we Asians are the dressing,

and when they think we’re becoming too heavy,

too dense,

that’s when they toss the salad bowl

until we lose our color and our meaning.

My culture has left me screaming my throat raw in my bedroom at night,

crying Why am I Asian? Why am I Chinese?

and hitting my tennis racket across the piano keys

because I can’t play racket sports and I can’t play Beethoven.

You know there’s something wrong when

I hesitate to write these words in a society that claims to be free;

Harvard will reject me for this poem because

if it isn’t already clear enough by my last name and my math competition awards,

I am intolerably, unforgivably Chinese.

It’s ironic that

our culture seems an exotic paradise,

the lilting accents of our immigrant girls a sexual fantasy,

yet we are forced to strip away our ethnicity,

cast aside our identities and our abilities and our interests

for the sake of receiving that coveted thick envelope,

when our only sins have been

learning physics under the covers in dim flashlight

and toiling for near-free wages to join our country together in 1869:

the country we helped build yet are systematically discriminated in.

I gave it a go, a moment ago, as it was almost so, within my reach…

But it ran in a way, as if to sway, from near to away, with lessons to teach.

As we rolled down the mountain and climbed towards the beach,

I shouted out my promise: “My pact I won’t breach…”

I chased her through alleys, past some trash bins,

Then came to a T, on needles and pins…

I looked both ways, then straight out to the sea,

Fearing that she’d drowned - - drowned ’cause of me…

Then suddenly she jumped out from our childhood tree,

Looking tired and breathless while taking a knee…

She spread open her arms and welcomed me in,

She asked for a hug with an upside-down grin.

As I wiped off a tear she said, “lend me your ear,”

Breathlessly whispering, “you have nothing to fear.”

She said, “some things in life are simply not meant to be…”

As she let me down gently with this ultimate plea…

“You fought for me with gusto and unparalleled fire,

But all partnerships, love, must eventually expire…”

“You tried and succeeded in never dropping the ball,

But in the end it is I, who will cause us to fall…”

“You protected me throughout this turbulent stream,

Now let me take this one - - this one, for our team.”

And then she made love to me in an absence of time,

In a position of free verse unhindered by rhyme.

Within all my predictions, I never did see…

That at the end of the night, my dream, could leave, me.

Copyright © 1986-2017

Alan Salé

All Rights Reserved

contact: AASalehi@gmail.com

PoetryByAlan.com

Looking Back

     life pounded in sharp needle spikes

     mistakes I’ve made colored my soul

     wrong choices tarnished who I was

     wrong influences dug trenches into my psyche

     crooked paths veered off course

     married too young before I knew who I could be

     misguided career choices without a compass

     advice I didn’t follow, heading wrong way

Moving Forward

     pulled up my socks and started fresh

     faced the truth and reversed footprints

     released creativity and blended tints

     kindness to all – sweet words rebounded

     erased prejudice – we’re all the same

     took a chance – threw dart into wind

     wrote that book before I knew how

     painted that canvas with story of my life

     tried new things and honed my path

     opened soul allowing new joy inside

     new beginnings and new pleasures

     let worry fly into the breezes of change

     opened up to life and tested the future

     embraced journeys exploring new trails

     expanded my knowledge, explored my world

     painted in new light with dawning colors

     swelled with love and burst with understanding

Who I now am

     soft but strong enough to face challenges

     open mind and heart overflowing

     creative but willing to learn and expand

     giving and nurturing to those that I love

     inclusive in my feeling for people of this world

     grateful to Prose Community for opening up

     life to possibilities and hearts to understanding.

I was an unusual kid - keeping very much to myself inside a world designed by a dark imagination - held in check by a morbid fear of everything.

A child born without siblings who may have aided in the buffering of my parents’ violent and deeply disturbing relationship.

I did have a dog, though. His name was Teddy. Teddy was a terrier mix with soft brown eyes and a wiry, cream, scruffy coat. He was always at the foot of my bed when I woke of a morning, and we played together for hours every day after school.

I fucking loved that dog.

On that Saturday morning, as my parents started into their usual weekend argument regime, I leashed Teddy to take him for a walk before punches were thrown and the Police got called again.

We lived in a semi-urban environment about an hour west of Sydney - an area growing fast due to development, helping to provide low-cost housing for families struggling to survive the city’s property market boom.

Teddy and I had been walking for about 10 minutes when I caught sight of Gary Boil and his two Chinese flunkies.They were in the park and seemed to be attempting to uproot a seesaw.

I lowered my head and quickened my pace, all the while praying for the power of invisibility.

“Hey homo!”

I shuddered.

Frozen to the spot, I stared at the ground, I could hear them run towards us.

“Look fellas, even his dog is a homo,” Gary sneered.

At this very moment, I was wishing Teddy was either a German Shepherd or a Pit Bull - anything other than a dumb and friendly mongrel that was gazing playfully at my tormentors.

Gary Boil began backing me into a tree with a prodding finger rammed into my chest, all the while questioning this 9-year-old boy’s sexuality.

I looked up for the very first time to witness him staring into me with hate filled eyes, his face flushed red and a strand of spit nestled in the corner of his grim mouth.

“Don’t look at me, homo,” he snorted, as he slapped my face with an open hand.

Something inside me broke. I let go of Teddy’s leash and raised both hands to Gary’s throat. I began to choke him.

I then sunk a knee into his gut, which caused him to double over.

Interesting enough, Yin and Yang seemed surprised and happy to allow this turnaround to continue.

With Gary at my mercy, I put him in a headlock and began to pound his head against the tree.

It was then I heard the squealing of tires and a yelp followed by a horrible, pathetic whimper.

Turning my body around, I faced the road with Gary Boil’s head still pinned in my arms. My dog was laying motionless inches away from the front wheel of the stopped car. I threw off Boil and ran towards Teddy.

Dropping to the road, I rested Teddy’s head gently in my lap while searching desperately for any sign of life.

There was none to be found. My dog had slipped away.

The driver, overcome by grief and guilt, knelt down beside me.

“I’m so sorry kid,” he said.

“He just ran out.....I couldn't stop in time.

“I don't know what to say, mate.

“Please accept this.” He held out a twenty dollar note.

I looked into his eyes, tears streaming down my face, and he handed me another twenty.

The driver nervously backed into his car and drove away.

Gary Boil threw a rock that hit me in the back as he and his henchman skulked off down the street.

“Boo-hoo, homo,” he taunted in farewell.

It didn’t matter.

I looked at the forty dollars in my hand and then at my dead dog, Teddy.

Something else inside me broke that day. The one last strain of attachment in my life had just been severed, and my tears had given way to numbness and a void. .

I carried Teddy’s body home and into the garage to administer some much needed repairs.

Patching him up was relatively easy. I washed the blood off his coat, and, as luck would have it, I found a can of beige spray paint for the bits I couldn’t repair. Admiring my handiwork, I carried him back out onto the streets.

Waiting between parked cars, I chose my moment carefully.

As a speeding vehicle approached, I launched Teddy onto the open road.

My technique improved as the day progressed. Feigning grief and manufacturing tears -getting it down like a pro.

I cleared $250 in five hours. Each time Teddy got hit, I would take him home, repair him, and then return to my gruesome enterprise.

It was only after my fifth run that the motorist smelled a rat.

“Kid.....this dog has stitches for eyes.”

He handed me ten dollars anyway, and I didn’t argue.

It was time to call it quits.

I buried Teddy under the hammock in the back yard with his favorite chew toy and twenty dollars.

I loved that fucking dog.

I will admit I have my quirks - and you may very well question my morality - but to my credit, I haven’t owned a dog since Teddy.

My Dad and I 

we don't really get along much

and sometimes, its hard

trying to talk to him

when he's mad at me

and I'm mad at him.

We can get angry together--

at Trump,

at the Black Community,

at the wickedness of the world,

but nothing is resolved

when we're mad at each other

hand-in-hand.

Mom told me

that I should be honest,

respectful,

and kind,

and maybe that hate that

dug itself deep inside of my heart

will fade away with

a few simple words.

"Dad, I love you."

"I'm sorry."

"But sometimes you can be too honest."

"Sometimes you can be too condescending."

"And you won't care."

"And I'll just continue to hate myself."

"In silence."

"Then you get mad when I don't speak up."

Dad, I love you.

I'm sorry.

But the things you say at times;

they make me want to--

("Drink bleach. Hurt myself.")

Cry a lot.

Because your words are gospel to me.

Your guidance is driving me insane.

I think that

possibly

we could fix each other

if we talked more

if we opened up

fought less

smiled brighter.

Maybe you'd be more pleased

not to see

the relaxed look 

on my face.

Maybe I'll be happier

knowing that my relaxed face

is a smile

at you.

©SelfTitled, 2017

I discovered myself at 6. Like an object I tripped over, I wasn't expecting it. I thought i already knew myself: Girl, Brown, Last born of three, My name and age and school, the colors I liked, the games I played...etc.

Despite that, I met myself at 6. On a swing. In a desolated playground as I waited on someone to come pick me up from school. I had watched my friends disappear in pairs and one by one as their parents came to fetch them. So here i swung on the swing after school, by myself, in the silence that took me by surprise. I was alone, yet I was not scared. There was no one and nothing to distract me from my soul, and I could hear it.

With this unknown but freeing feeling in me, I swung as I looked up at the pale grey sky, I found it beautiful. I sang a song that i made, with lyrics I wished I remembered and I was me; no age, no label.

My mother picked me up shortly, I put my hand into hers while in a trans. The following days I realized with so much vividity the colors I liked, the songs I enjoyed, the food that made my tummy hum :). I saw flashes of a dreamed and awaiting future (as i do now). I saw the ants no longer squashing them, I watched the butterflies without trying to trap them. I had realized in that moment that every single thing on earth had a purpose that only it could fulfill. Including me.

I learnt that I was unique, thus irreplaceable, thus important. And so was everyone and everything else.

Infidelity

a Broken Ring,

a Vow

That Means

Nothing Now,

Lies

Like Spread Thighs;

Cottage Cheese For Seasoning.

True

That Should Have Been

Like Glue,

Not

Like Rot

Seven Seasons Dead.

In This Room

I Have Been Held

For the Murders of you

I Thought a Friend

& the Mob Who

Bought It

Trying For my Head.

Just me you See

With a Canned Good

Against you

& Three.

the Misery I With Stood

2 To the Chest

& One Beside the Eye.

Yes,

the 45 Caliber Kind.

to Drain & Die

On This Kitchen Floor

Was Not What I Was Made For.

If I Was to Die

It Was to Be In Battle Sweet

or Between the Legs

of a Lady Riding High.

Not Treachery

Both Foul & Deep.

Luring me With Sex & Song

to the Valley of Sleep;

Having Done

I Went For a Bottle of Beer

& Surprise Who Should I Meet

But 3 Long Shadows

Waiting There For me.

Flash,

Flash,

Flash,

Down I Was InDeed,

Blood Red Agony,

Not a Breath to Breathe,

Pain Bright Dizzying.

Laying There Wondering

If This Was the End For me,

the Vest Had Not Held

& Crimson Was Blossoming.

They Left to Check & See,

To Get the Stuff to Dismantle me.

In the Tub to Bleed

& Then the Cutting;

No, No,

Not For me

As I Slipped Ravioli In a Sock.

First,

I Came to Crush your Skull

my Lovely Little Girl.

Then the Man

Who Came to Gut me Like a Pig

& Then the 2

to Help Move.

It Was Such a Gristly Scene,

Had to Be Burning.

I Will Never Forget

That Night.

Standing Above

Those Broken Things

Screaming Triumphantly

As the Kerosene Burned Bright,

Ravioli Nights

#B27321

Every day, every second we are getting closer to our deaths. Whether it be tomorrow, or in a hundred years, I want to make an impact on the future generations. I want to make an impact on the whole world.

Though I've only lived 13 years in this world, I have learned so much from all of the little experiences and memories I've made.

And one of them, the most important and crucial life lesson that I will keep until the end of my life, is to live and not to be alive. Just being alive is the stereotypical person today. Sitting at a computer drowning in youtube.

But actually living is impacting the others around you innovatively. Changing other's future and changing the present. Creating a new world of possibilities. 

That's what is called living.

I have already lost my grandfather, and when I heard that my music teacher's daughter had cancer, I was heart stricken. We die so quickly. Suddenly. It disrupts our lives, but then it goes back to normal. There's still a hole in your heart. A dull vibrating ache. I know she's okay now. She's alive. But I still can't help but feel uncomfortable. 

It makes all the bad thoughts jump into my head.

What if I die tomorrow? What if I get cancer? What if someone murders me?

But I know that I'm not scared of death.

I'm scared of not living.

I'm scared of being tortured into oblivion, knowing that I will simply be gone. There will be nothing left to remember me by except for that lonely computer down the hall that I typed for hours on.

I want to make someone happy. I want to forge a dream for someone. I want to change someone's life.

And although this wasn't a huge experience, it still impacted my life in indescribable ways. Ever since moving, ever since I realized my childhood was going to end in five more years, ever since I realized that death is real, I learned that I needed to start living. I needed to have my handprint of change on this world.

And I won't stop until I know that I've made someone's life the best it could be.