My greatest fear is not being recognized.

Not being noticed for the great things I do.

Not being noticed for the things I write to you.

Not being noticed for the way I sing my songs.

Not being noticed or should I belong?

I have spent my life trying to become someone.

Trying to show the world, I could be the one.

I've published several books,

I'm a supervisor on my job.

What else do I need to do to

create my own blog?

My biggest fear is failing on all I've tried to achieve,

My biggest fear, losing faith in what I truly believe.

⚜

Act I, Scene I

An actress, an empty stage and a single light centered in the middle of the stage.

Shining on our actress, ready to perform. She stands up straight, shoulders back, expression focused and concentrated. The audience is empty as well,

only except a guy in the third row. He's here to audition, a notepad on his lap.

A professional expression on his tired face and maybe a bit bored. But that is irrelevant to our story... the man coughs slightly, encouraging the actress to start.

So J, what will you be performing for us tonight?

(He asks politely, looking at his watch.

The actress, notices it and clenches her fists...)

I'm here to show the "stages of pretense" I'm quite famous for the act of pretending and fooling my heart...

Oh, I see. Then begin, the audience awaits.

Yes, of that I am aware... Act one... People often ask me... How are you?

How do you feel? That's when I use my pretenses like this...

She looks at the space before her, body language shifting and changing until it falls into the role. Concentration disappearing, replaced with the softest of smiles. Her posture relaxing, her eyes losing their edge. A single spark filling them from inside. She gives a nonchalant wave of her hand and enhances her smile so it almost reaches her eyes.

Oh me? I'm just fine, never better and how are you?

(The actress freezes at the last word and loses the smile,

a pained look instead of the fake modest one)

...and then they leave, and I am left with myself. Playing pretense, even when alone... Because I no longer know the person that I once was.

(The actress looks up and waits for the review.

The guy in the audience filling in his notes)

That was great J. Very tasteful and engaging...

Do you want to see something more?

No, my darling... that will be all.

Yes, of course, I understand...

Oh, and J, my dear...

Yes, Carl...?

How are you feeling today?

Me...? Why that's a silly question to ask of me... As always, I am just fine...

The lights dim and the "audience" leaves. Our single actress, leaving as well...

Walking down the stairs, her back once again strained,

the smile faded away, just like everything else.

...........................................................

Rubble and destruction are all that remains of what was a thriving metropolitan area. The windows are blown out from the few buildings left standing. Trains wrap around the car-less city streets in an unorganized fashion but they are silent. There are people but their presence is only physical. They move as if the city was never destroyed but their souls are gone.

I am not unsettled by the eery environment, nor the roaming ghosts, nor the end as this seems to be. I feel full with purpose. unbothered by the lifeless shells. I am alive and my soul is full, with him by my side.

My love and I wander the abandoned city boundlessly. The light is golden from a suns rays beaming through the smoggy sky. We sit on the train tracks. I see him, glowing with warmth amidst an otherwise grey world. I feel not an ache, nor sore, nor negative thought. I am happy in the truest sense of this word’s meaning.

Hunger, thirst, and desire of any sort are all satiated by the most powerful force, true love.

I never want to wake up.

But I do, and here I am, awake. In the bustling city. It is cold and windy. I'm achy and fatigued. Though it seems as though there is life and energy crawling in every corner, I feel empty. I’m a shell. Walking and moving, with the absence of a soul. I don’t exist.

I long to return to the desolate city. in this place I am alive, with him by my side, even if it’s only in a dream.

My greatest fear is my reality. A world without him.

Alone one night at a bar, I spied a woman from afar,

and pondered the thought of approaching, and many topics i could be broaching, discussing the weather and what she wore.

When a shrouded figure dark and frightening, grabbed my arm, his grip tightening

frightening me to my core.

"Dont you move, stay right here," he hissed and snapped into my ear

"You would fail, you'd be rejected. Wouldnt you rather be respected? Stay here where you can stay a self-respected bore."

And then he reared back and laughed, satisfied at his perfected craft

of preventing me from risking more.

The next day i went off to work, my boss was proving to be a jerk,

and i was considering applying, for a job more satisfying, and hastening my way out the door.

When something seized upon my wrist, a shadowy monster snarled and hissed

and stopped me from typing anymore.

"You're not good enough," he spat. "You're safer staying where you're at.

Why venture out on a skinny branch, when you could stay in your current circumstance.

Stay here where you know what's in store."

I thought of the monster's advice, and why i was content to pay the price

of allowing fear to close an open door.

Looking back on a reckless life,

both shot and stabbed,

hit by a car,

fallen from a third-story window,

bones mending slowly,

feeling life will be as twisted

as the bones and muscle housed by flesh.

But that isn't what I fear now.

Two marriages, no children.

Sadly, always wanted to be a father;

never happened.

One marriage good,

the other, hell incarnate.

Batting 50/50, not so bad.

Single now, happy, content,

at least I think so.

But none of that I fear now.

Decade after decade rolled by.

When twenty,

you think you will live forever.

When seventy,

you laugh at the things said at twenty.

All that in the middle are lessons learned.

Age is what it is;

we are all born to age,

so death is commonplace;

expected.

None of this I fear.

What do I fear?

At first,

it was my heart attack and five surgeries,

not knowing

if I could walk away

from an antiseptic room on my own,

but when I finally did,

the fear was gone,

for it was not yet my time,

and it made me appreciate

what life brings us.

Now the story unfolds,

and call this a silly fear;

but it could happen, can happen,

and somewhere it did happen.

My greatest fear is to lose two things:

my imagination,

and the hands I use,

to put the words of my imagination to paper.

I have been through much, and survived.

To lose those two things,

is a battle I could never win.

(The photograph is me on my first birthday. I chose this as a connection of the first and last word of this title. Looking back, even then I had a look of a person unafraid to question anything. Damn I was a sexy-kinda thing then!!)

Salt resides in the water

Crisp slaps of beating wind

When did it all begin

Bubbles and black sea creatures

Struggling to hold onto life's features

I will say it again

for where did it all begin

but what is greater is

where is the end?

As a child I was encouaged,

"Reach for the stars!"

"You can do anything!’

As a teen I was admonished,

"Apply yourself!"

"Make an effort!"

In college I was rated,

"B-minus, poor syntax."

"84/100 - next time don’t round down."

As an adult, I am worried.

"Babe, the garage door is making a bad sound."

"Your son is autistic."

I only have so much time, so much money,

only so much of myself to offer, only so much to give.

Is it enough

Am I enough?

I was wasn’t the fastest kid on the swim team,

wasn’t the best bass player in the orchestra,

wasn’t the lead in the play,

I made my peace with that.

I did my best, but someone was better.

What if my best as a father, or a husband, or just as a human,

isn’t good enough?

Then what?

i'm in a cave

a dark, dark, cave

rendering my sight useless

so much

that i can't even see myself

so i stay crouched

to reassure myself that i

am indeed

still there.

and sometimes,

out of the darkness comes a ripple

breaking my tide of thoughts

and i run

to the place

where i saw the light

only for it to close back and

once more,

leave me alone in my cave

hungry,

for a light, or if too much,

then a person

by my side.

i'm stuck in the cave,

and i'm crouching,

Trying to hide,

so that i may be able to escape

being eaten by the monster

that is called

my mind.

At first,

I thought it was

Darkness

Sleeping through

My very core

Enveloping me

Swallowing

All the light

My happiness

Unavoidable

Unrelenting

Doom

Then

i thought

It was

Loneliness

Having no one

By my side

When I’m spiraling

Down Down down

No one to catch me

No one

To remember me

No one to endure my pain

Make me feel

Empty

But when I met you

You brought me

A companion

Happiness

Unforced smiles

Yet the darkness

did not

Disappear

It there forever

The monsters

Hiding

Creeping

Waiting

To come out

When I’m at

My most

vulnerable state

To devour me

Drown me

In the darkness

I can never get away

I can never leave

For it is within me

It is what controls

My very being

It is my mind

It is me