One second

clock hands whirl

I hold my breath

closer to death

and further

from you

as you walk

softly in

parallel universe

I cannot

catch you

because you

are always

one second away.

One second. That’s all it took for me to throw everything away. That’s all it took for me to ruin everyone’s lives. That’s all it took to be gone. Life’s hard. There really isn’t a point to it. You live, you die. That’s all. There is nothing more for us on this Earth. Who would want to stay? I know I didn’t. I know this isn’t what you expected to find when I called you here. I know this probably wasn’t the best idea, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I have never liked being the center of attention- why start now? I’m actually proud of myself. I kept my voice normal on the phone. I told you I love you without getting choked up. I have ended everything. There is nothing left to do. I can pass peacefully now. I’m sorry for any pain this causes you. I know I said that already. I just need you to understand that I mean it. I really, really mean it. I am doing this for myself, yes. I am doing this because this world makes me so unhappy I can’t stand it for one more second. This isn’t because of you. Don’t you dare blame yourself. It was bound to happen. Even you couldn’t keep me alive. It isn’t your fault. I am ready to leave. I have to leave. You have to understand. You will join me someday. We can be together again someday. Today isn’t your day. Today, I want you to find happiness in all this knowing that my soul is finally at peace. Smile. I’m happy. This day should be a joyous celebration. I know I’m doing the right thing. Goodbye.

By the time I got there, it was a second too late. I heard her scream. I heard her final moments as I struggled to get the door open. The stupid key wouldn’t go into the hole. I didn’t make it. I had to listen to her take her last, ragged breaths through the door. She was gone in seconds. I found her note. She was crazy. It doesn’t matter what she thought. She was wrong. She said this world had nothing in it for her. What about me? Was I nothing to her? I loved her. Now she’s gone. Crazy. I can’t be happy. I can’t understand why she did what she did. There was no reason for it. Why couldn’t she just stay? If not for herself, then for me. I needed her and she just threw it all away. She threw my happiness away. If I had just gotten there sooner, I could have saved her. If I had never gotten mad… If I had never left… she could be safe in my arms right now if I could learn how to control my temper. But it doesn’t matter now. She’s gone forever. And it’s all my fault.

If I hadn't gotten stuck at one too many red lights,

Or waited a minute longer for a parking space;

If the elevator hadn't stopped on floor 16 before reaching me;

Or I hadn't dropped my keys as I stepped onto the roof

and paused a split second to pick them up;

If I hadn't stumbled, walking to the green railing lining the edge

of the rooftop, marking the brink of existence;

Or shuddered, looking down at the murky street below;

If I hadn't taken a moment to savor the fading taste of life;

I wouldn't have heard your voice like a dying echo behind me,

and your footsteps approaching like gunshots.

I wouldn't have felt your hand on my shoulder, anchoring me

amidst the furious whirlwind of my mind.

I wouldn't have seen your frantic face streaked with tears like

pale scars, pleading me to 'step down from there.'

If it weren't for those solitary seconds wasted,

I wouldn't have stepped down from there.