Just shut up. Whatever stupid thing you are going to say I don't want to hear it. Why should I take your advice anyway? It's not like your life turned out great. Besides you don't understand a thing. Why can't you just mind your own business? This is my life not yours. So what if you don't like what I am doing with it. I am the one that has to live with it. So screw you. You egotistical bastard. You don't own me.

You know what?...

Forget it.

Just...

Forget I found some joy

in hoping I saw brilliance.

Forget lighting up my eyes with tasty treats.

Forget the clever things you told me and

about how we're all the same really

I should have known them already anyway.

I just think,you know...

Forget it...

Forget that we had a lot more in common than one thing like liking Breakfast at Tiffany's

(Forget making fun of the song by the way)

so the differences didn't really matter.

Just,you know...

Forget it.

Forget that I cared too much to know when you were joking about being hurt

I really should catch on to life's subtleties

Just,you know... forget it

Forget that I walked through the week in a fog

When you got too busy

Then I was too busy

And we both moved on separately.

Forget I wrote this too.

Just...you know,

Forget it.

Why the fuck am I like this. Why tonight! Why right now! I'm fucking done. I'm tired of being the only one who tries. God I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm going to explode. I'm screaming inside but in reality I can't even speak. What the fuck is wrong with me! God give me strength to live this life or take life from me. I cannot be living like this anymore. This isn't really even living. I am in a shadow existence. Fucking help. I can't do this on my own. I'm not okay anymore.

You know, this year would've been the 10th year that we've been friends. If we still stayed friends, that is. But, all this means is just that all we have are 9 years of supposed friendship down the drain.

I thought we were good friends. No, knowing and constantly interacting with someone for such a long time made me think that we were great friends. And what did the friendship end over? A project.

I know you were stressed, but I was stressed too. You knew how difficult things were for me, how my other classes were going, how many times I couldn't take things and couldn't help but break down and cry by myself where no one can see me until I could calm down, breathe, and start trying again. Yes, you had it tough too, but, let's face it: my load was greater and I had more at stake.

I thought we could be partners because I could rely on you, because we were friends for such a long time and you were one of the people who knew me the best. I thought we could support each other. I thought it would hurt your feelings if I decided to partner up with someone else. And you knew how in all my other classes, I was the one who mainly did all the work. How I had to organize and coordinate everyone because nobody wanted to do anything, and, if I failed the class, I wouldn't graduate. How all I wanted was for people to step up and do their work without me having to constantly tell them what to do and make sure that they were doing what needed to be done. I thought I wouldn't have to do that with you.

Since you were having a tough time too, I tried not to pressure you. I even still ended up doing most of the work. But shit happened. I lost data on my part and managed to get an extension. 6-8 sleepless hours spent in our classroom in front of a computer screen down the drain. So, I screwed up, and I was going to make things right.

But, on your part, even though, overall, you had less to do, you barely had anything done. And, instead of trying to stick things through, even before the data mistake, you decided to work at home, while I worked alone in the lab. Which was fine. Let you work where you were most comfortable.

Many times I would work until 2 a.m. before going home to sleep. One day, I finished around 5 or 6 a.m., went home, ate and showered, and came back to work again an hour later. I was running on energy drinks, coffee, sweet tea, and fast food; working hard, and I tried not to complain. I even tried not to pressure you too much and even acted like I was fine with you going out and watching that movie, while I continued to work on that project. It was good for you to relax a bit and get your energy back by having some fun.

I tried to act like I was fine when I was trying to get a status update on your work, since you still worked at home and I spent silent hours in the lab, where the building was empty. Except for me. No, of course I didn't mind hearing all those strange noises the building made during the winter in the wee hours.

And then you told me that nothing was working and you didn't care anymore. What else could I say, except "fine"? But things weren't fine, and you knew it. Maybe that's why we never spoke again.

At first, I was angry. You left me, you abandoned me, you gave up. Not just on the project, but on us-our friendship. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I'd like to think I tried to be a good and supportive friend. I even went to some events with you simply because I thought you'd like them and you'd make more friends and have a better school experience, even though I wasn't that interested. I tried to never leave you out of anything fun that I might have been doing and thought you'd enjoy. I tried to help you get more friends and even suggested that we sit next to that girl we knew. I tried to listen and encourage you whenever I could.

I usually help others and try to do things on my own. I usually don't expect much from others. Which is why, the time I really needed your help, probably the only time I needed to seriously rely on you, makes things suck even more. It felt like you betrayed me. And, being the way that I am, someone who is extremely cautious when it comes to letting people close, made it hurt even more. I thought I could count on you and you let me down. But that's life. I'm now back to trying not to count on anyone.

____________________

I'm not angry anymore, and I don't hate you. I don't wish you any ill. Can't say I've 100% moved on, since I'm writing this rant. But, it's been a while since then, and I'm trying to move my life forward and be happy without you, someone who I once considered as my closest friend. I've done a lot of fun things since then and met a lot of great people. I'm thankful for the people in my life, the old friends I still have, and the new friends that I've made. I'm hopeful that things will continue being that way.

Maybe I'm the only one who thought we were friends, and maybe you didn't care that much. Since it's human nature to shift the blame, I guess I'm not 100% blameless and you had your own issues, but I'm tired of trying to be the "understanding" or "optimistic" one. I don't feel like always pushing my feelings aside. I want to be selfish, since trying to be giving never really got me anywhere. I want to be super bitchy and mean. Plus, you're older. So I wasn't going to make the first move and contact you again and act like nothing happened. I'm tired of that. And you weren't going to budge either.

Now it's too late to do anything. And this is why we can't be friends.

If I ever see you again, it probably might be better to pretend that we don't know each other. Because, to me, you became the representation of that whole time when I was at one my lowest points. I'm still fighting my demons from that time, and thinking about that time makes me bitter, a state I'm always trying to avoid. I don't know when that triggered reaction will disappear.

After all, although I'm sure I will finish it, I still have to finish that project.

This time of year is always so bright and cheery, filled with lots of food, good friends, and happy memories. At least for most people. For me, it's different. Seeing so much food brings angst upon me, I worry about every little thing I'm going to eat and how it will affect me. Not only that, but with only half a family, there's always feeling that someone is missing, but it's ok cause I haven't known that other half too well. My dad decided he didn't want a family with us and that's fine, but I can't help but feel I'm missing out when my friends all talk about their holidays festivities. And though there are some good memories brought up I can't help but remember every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life. The smiles on my family's faces make me smile but it isn't genuine I feel it's weight whenever I put it on. I have thoughts that they would just be much better off without me and that if I'm going to die, to get it over with. But I can't. Something is keeping me here. And it's awful. But it's only two weeks. Two weeks off from school, and then all these feelings will be back again next year...