You don’t know me but my name is Jimmy Fingers. Why am I known as ‘Fingers’ you ask? I may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but my fingers are magic. I can open any safe in the world with my nimble, highly skilled fingers. I may not be smart at book learning but I mastered this skill from my Daddy who is serving fourteen more years.

In fact, I was on my way to meet Johnny Bananas at Moe’s the day it all happened! Why was he nicknamed ‘Bananas’ your enquiring mind might want to know? Well, he has the largest …. well, you don’t really want to know that, do you?

There I was, getting out of my car across the street from Moe’s in the pouring rain, when it happened. Lightning coursed through my body in a searing jolt, going through my shoulder and leaving through my left foot. When I regained consciousness, I was in a hospital bed with a team of neurologists discussing my prognosis. And the funny thing was, I understood every word of medical terminology they were spouting. In fact, I could probably run circles around them in smarts. But I didn’t let on about this amazing phenomenon, because it served my purpose to still be thought of as good old, plodding Jimmy Fingers.

Once I recovered, I felt like my brain was whirling in circles with all kinds of nefarious schemes, all struggling to get out. A rainbow of possibilities had opened up to me. I just had to learn how to channel this new found energy to perfect the skills I already had. Why not put it to good use? So I called up Bananas to arrange a meeting.

I had always wanted to crack the safe at Mason’s Jewelers but had previously thought I would be unable to get around their security systems. Well, Bananas had access to the schematics for the entire strip mall and now I had the brains to dismantle their surveillance. We cut the wire to the shop next door and went in through the ceiling panels. Quickly, I found their burglar alarm , taking it out of commission and smashing their mounted cameras. Rolling up my sleeves, I tackled their safe. I used my magic fingers to go through the usual routine – rotating the dial to the left until it hit the first groove, then into the next locked groove and then to the right. But it didn’t work! I couldn’t believe it! I rotated the dials backward and forward until my fingers were numb but it was no use! Just as I was realizing that the lightning strike had fried my fingers, I heard “Put your hands behind your backs and lay on the ground.” It looked like the entire police force of our ‘burb’ was surrounding us. Well, I don’t argue with guns and the next thing you know, Bananas and I were locked up in the same penitentiary where my Daddy was. It was like a family reunion. Even Uncle Whack Whack was there! (Guess how he got his name!)

Well, now I am known as the jailhouse lawyer, helping other cons with understanding the loopholes of the law, studying briefs and legal avenues. I am going to be here for a long time so I might as well put my intelligence to a good use.

“You’re the smartest person in the prison,” the inmates chorus.

“Yeah, well, I’m the smartest person in the whole world but little good that did me!”

Okay so, i'm not allowed to hold my sisters baby anymore because the first time i held him i dropped him. As soon as it happened my sister went into hysterics, crying and accusing me of dropping him on purpose. She called the police on me and it turned into this huge thing.Of course i denied doing it on purpose because it was an honest accident but my point is, who brings a baby to the grand canyon?

I'm just kidding my sister doesn't have and children, well not anymore...

Hope you enjoyed the joke it is not mine and i can't find who the joke belongs to so if you know drop a name please.

I saw this in tumblr like last week:

Do you ever just want to gently place your hands on somebody's cheeks and sharply turn their head on a 75 degree angle and snap their neck?

Reader: Well that took an unexpected turn

Op: So did their neck

Reader: Im dying

Op: So are they

Lol just thorught I'd share

The picture is integral to my anecdote because you need to picture the man in his elder statesman years. I suspect many whippersnappers on Prose will look at that image and exclaim, “That’s Nearly Headless Nick!” And that is correct, in a sorta kinda way. But that’s a little like seeing Washington on the dollar bill and saying, “Oh yeah! He presided over the Constitutional Convention!” For John Cleese’s true glory is as a founding member of Monty Python who thereby revolutionized comedy.

A couple years back my wife gifted me tickets to a screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in Rochester. Watching the movie with a few thousand superfans was a cool experience, but not the real draw: John Cleese would take the stage afterward. Audience members texted in questions, interviewer would ask them, and we’d all absorb the presence of John Cleese, Legend of Comedy. It was the presence that mattered, really, the witnessing; I was in the room with the man. I figured anything memorable that came from his responses was just gravy.

And then somebody asked, “What’s your favorite joke?”

He lost it. Uncontrolled laughter. Some moments later, Cleese gets out, “What’s black...” More uncontrolled laughter. I was not the only person leaning forward in my seat. Whatever this joke was, John Cleese, Legend of Comedy, is apparently incapable of delivering it.

“What--” (Cleese laughs) “What’s black and white” (Cleese laughs) “and crawls along the ground?”

He’s still laughing. Finally, tears streaming from his eyes, John Cleese chokes out, “A wounded nun.”

″Your computer must be retarded.“I read out, thinking the troubleshooting program might be retarded.

“Uh,” Says my sibling. “That says your computer must be restarted.”

I laugh awkwardly.

″Uh,” Some more laughter. ”I should be banned from reading today.”

I dramatically close the laptop, patting it fondly once I can no loger see the screen.

″There. YOU CAN’T HURT ME NOW, TROUBLESHOOTING ERROR MESSAGE!”

I dance around the room, flailing my limbs wildly.

″I’M A HERO, I’M A HERO, I’M A HERO!” My sibling looks at me, and then interrupts my victory dance.

“No, you’re a menace.” And away they go.

My victory dance continues.

It's me. I'm the joke.

Yeah I uh uh uh filled the word count. byeeee

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to an already-tipsy guy who’s just received his drink. He watches in fascination as his neighbor drains the glass in three swallows before standing up and flying around the room a couple times. The stranger then lands, stumbling a bit, and walks calmly back to his seat, like nothing even happened. The first man blinks a few times, turns to the bartender, and says, “I’ll have what he’s having!”

So the bartender pours him a foaming mug of tap beer and slides it down the bar, where the man catches it and greedily slams it down his throat as quickly as he can, careful not to spill a drop. After he’s done, he runs out the door, climbs up to the top of the roof, and jumps, ready to fly through the night sky.

At which point, he promptly falls to his death.

Back in the bar, the bartender looks at the remaining patron and sighs. “Superman, you’re such a dick when you’re drunk.”

@Aanya

Woman decides she had enough,

Climbs to the top of the tower,

Night time and cold,

She gets on the ledge,

“What you think you’re doing,

Pretty lady?”

Asks a voice from the shadows.

It’s a hobo, he’s found a place to hide.

“Well, things are terrible,

Life’s awful, and I can’t take it any more”

“I see. It’s a shame though...”

Says the hobo. Looking at her hungrily.

“Could you do me a favor?” he

″ I mean, before you jump, hmm?”

“What is it? ” asks the Lady.

“Well, I’m embarrassed to say,

but, you see..

It gets so lonely, being a hobo like me...” He clears his throat,

“I wonder..would you mind.. If it’s no trouble.. I .."

"What do you want?"

"A friendly poke"

"Excuse me?"

"You know what I mean, a pity fuck. Excuse my language" he says embarrassed.

"It's not like you will be so put out,

I mean you WERE going to kill yourself..so what do you sa.."

"No way! You disgusting freak! Not in a million years. You're dirty and smelly, and this has got to be the worst pick up line in history. No no no!"

"Are you sure?" Asks the man .

"Definitely. No. No no way.

Now leave me alone"

"Ok then. I'll do that.

You can go ahead and jump,

I'll be seeing you in a few minutes.."