"Welcome to the future, human."

I could smell the sickening scent of decay. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I asked. "Human, this is your travel agent talking. You've requested to see the year 3017, correct?" The voice was soft, yet assertive. Who did I know like that? "Uh, hi. Exactly how did I end up here?" I asked. Again.

"Human, what is your name? It appears that you haven't entered this information into my database. For now, I am T.I.A, or Travel Information Agent." TIA said. "Yeah, hi Tia. I-I'm Matthew Jones. Can you explain to me why my sixth grade science fair project has brought me 1000 years into the future?" I ask. So many questions today. "Matthew, it appears that after this 'project' was completed, you left it in your attic where dust particles that held sympanodes were lodged in the motherboard, birthing me. Last night, you drunkenly asked me to 'Like, totally send me 1000 years into the future. Alien girls must be hot.' As I exist only to serve you, I must oblige. Which brings us to today. Any questions?" Yes. So many questions.

"What the hell is a symphanode?"

"I can't answer that for legal reasons."

What the hell? I get a robot, but it can't tell me why it's a robot? Bullshit! "Matthew, we have bigger problems than just what a symphanode is. See, I was created to bring you one way. This is not a round trip. I will shut down in 17 minutes. Beyond that, this world is yours." Tia explained. "In case you haven't noticed, this place is beyond abandoned. I'm fucked once you disappear. What kind of asshole created you?" I said, before quickly realizing that I created Tia. "Oh, shit. Sorry to myself."

"10 minutes, Matthew. Any questions?" Yes. I'm not Einstein. "Is there a female on this planet? Like, can I colonize this future?" "4 males, 5 females. You'll make the fifth male to perfect this colonization. This is the future." I thought we already established that. "Fuck it, sure. I live a sad life on planet Earth anyway." There's probably some weird catch. There always is. "See, the weird catch is that once the future is colonized, you'll be sent back to 2017. Time is essentially frozen while you are here. Even if you stay here for 25 years, only about 5 minutes will have passed in 2017." Shit. "Matthew, there are only two minutes until my inevitable end. Please, do not forget to create more humans. Humans will save planet Earth. You are the hero of Earth's story. Do not forget that. Any questions?" Wow. "Yes, could you please tell me-" Tia shut down.

Shit.

A small group of nine individuals approached me. I could hear them murmuring various things. "Is that... a male?" "Can it save us?" "Is it dangerous?" One of them stepped forward. "Hello, thing. What are you? Can you complete us?" Holy shit. This is really happening. "I am a human male. My name is Matthew Jones. I can complete you."

They all looked relieved. The tallest stepped foward. "My name is Scott, this is Ainsley, Bec, Smith, Samantha, Elizabeth, Micheal, and Ida. We are ecstatic to have you here. Where have you come from?" Oh. "The past." They all laughed. I really can't blame them. "No, but really where are you from?" They don't even accept the truth. How cute. "I'm being serious." They all got quiet. "What was it like?" Bec asked. Ha. "I was blackout drunk when it happened. I just felt all tingly when I woke up. It was insane." Scott looked so suprised, I nearly snorted. "Well, we must rest so that tomorrow, Matthew may pick a mate. Our scheduled mating date is two days from now. Rest, please."

The next morning, we did yoga. You'd think that the last people on Earth would be badasses, but here I am hanging with a bunch of ex-nerds in their late 20s. I eventually got paired with Ida for mating. Even if that's a weird way to put it, we need to colonize Earth. Here in 3017, we eat worms and it's freaking delicious. Seriousy, try one sometime. Supreme. Can't be beat. Anyways, tomorrow is mating day. I can't wait to be done with this hell. It's terrible. The only good thing is eating worms.

That night, we all got drunk on yeast water. Don't ask me, I don't know either. It was turnt. Bec got so drunk she forgot who she was. That's progress. It's almost like a cult here. Very strange and ritualistic. Very surreal. 10/10. Apparently mating isn't even that bad. You just do it and leave. Never thought I'd say that in this context, but here we are. 7:00 is resting period every day, no excuses. My body just shuts off at 7:00 now. It's so weird.

That morning, I woke up with a feeling of dread. I don't even know why. I'm a hero now. Mating is scheduled for 10:30 and it will be simple. I'm just... nervous.

Nervous is now an understatment. Jesus fucking christ. This is the single worst thing I'll ever do. She's an asshole! I'm just going to get mating out of the way.

3 months later

Ever since I left 3017, I've been missing them. It was weird. It was awkward. But they were family to me. When I came back, it was back to office working. Life was amazing and simple in 3017. They were actually nice, down to earth people. My coworkers are not that type. They're all annoying assholes. Whatever the case, I miss my 3017 family. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about the day I left. It was sudden and I wasn't ready.

I woke up to the sound of sudden clanks, beeps, and bonks in my closet. Terrified, I tiptoed to my closet. Slowly, I pulled my closet door open. What I saw was unexpected and horrific.

"Welcome to the future, human."

Elijah, the mouse who lives inside my brain comes first, as always. Shortly after comes my collection of Ryan Gosling's toenail clippings. I couldn't possibly live without my Nintendo Virtual Boy. Or my copy of Jumanji on VHS. Some Mean Girls BandAids would be nice.

Food and water are preferable, but I could always just eat my own skin.