i always wonder why i gravitate towards bad people
their hurtful words are like melodies to my ears
and my pupils dilate when i see their knuckles coming close to my face
i smile when i’m spitting blood on the cement and feeling my cheek throb
purple has always made my eyes pop
but how could i ever find my way towards something else
when this is all i’ve ever known
all i’ve ever seen in my own home
no one even thought to teach me how to say i love you
instead all i picked up was how to stab and sting with my words
how to bleed through my smiles
violence means comfort to me and pain is normality
because no one, not one person in my life, has ever mentioned that love is not supposed to hurt.
love in 69 words
i saw her today and i felt my knees go weak. she was on a bench reading and sipping her coffee, and she smiled as she looked up at me. casually. like an acquaintance. like she wasn't my universe for two years and her pale lips weren't my escape every day and her emerald eyes weren't the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.
i love her. so damn much.
fear
close your eyes. hold them closed. tightly, until the black behind your eyelids turns into colorful shapes and lines. imagine you are elsewhere than your bed, your room, your house, your town, your country, your planet, your universe. you float through nothingness. your fingertips go numb, then your arms, then your chest, then the rest of your body until you don't feel like a human being anymore. just energy.
and imagine that the energy runs out. spills out of you. think of how you felt when you were young and scared of the dark and what it hid, how you felt when you were called on in class but you hadn't done even half of the assignment, how you'd feel if one day you were walking home from the store and you were held at gunpoint in an empty parking lot. what would you feel beside cold metal on your forehead and sweat running down your temple? what is there left beside that energy?
what is left when the masked person standing in front of you shouts at you but you can't even hear because you're paralyzed? when he pulls the trigger with his shaky fingers? when the bullet pierces through your skin and skull and brain? what is left beside blood and bits of what once was your brain and a pair of cold, dead eyes?
what's the only feeling left?
fool
how foolish of me to think
you would ever love me
when her and i polarize
she’s cold and distant
i just get too close
she hides everything
underneath so well
as if it’s not there at all
while i am an open fire
when it comes to feelings
she’s quiet and enigmatic
and i’ve never met anyone
more opinionated than myself
she knows how to give you
just what you want
but i don’t have a clue
how to even hold your hand
her hair is dark and shiny
and her gaze glints as cold ice
while i hide my ocean eyes
behind wild honey locks
after tears pour from them
like rivers because of
how foolish it is of me to think
i still have a chance.