I could never get that good at pool

I would feel like a low life

No matter how many stiffs I

hustle

or how many hustle me

I remember the cue, the chalk, the smokes. The 3:30 am deal.

A bum with a 1000$ pool cue

Is still a bum

New things to hustle these days anyways

Like souls, flesh, and sanity

The streets are the fuckin' same

Always.

Flesh comes and goes

Streets stay the same

An intersection will take some

The cops will rearrange the location of others

They just watch and wait.

They took your parents and they will take your children

You can borrow them for a little bit

but they will outlast you

They will bring you joy

Then rip you down.

They take the rich, the poor and everything else

They took River, Kinison, Dean

too many to count

There is an equalizing calm to their justice

They balance the scales.

They are taking some smug asshole right now;

feel good about it

Unfortunately they take a saint next

The sun will bake our flesh and dreams into the asphalt

They need to feed

Soon or eventually.

They don't care

I promise you. They don't care

Hell is relative.

For some it's fire

For some it's not driving the Ferrari down Sunset

One guy is feinding for a drink

and someone else has a gun to their head getting the business

Someone blew through 3 mil in a month and is bout to make friends with some rope and a beam

It's hard for me to express the vastness of the hells being endured at this moment...

My hell right now is the fact that the burger joint is closed. Shit Bring on the next hell!!

They try to stop the true me

I don't mind

They walk on a mine field

I don't mind

I've seen my own leg cut to the bone

and my friends become less than

themselves

It hurts

I don't mind

We hold hands and pray to ourselves. the one we once were

before the invasion

I hope they can hear us

I don't mind

I send out poison thoughts

Traps for the enemy and

Warnings and Clues for my

future self

It costs me precious heartbeats

It costs me sanity

I don't mind

The path to the white room

is incendiary

Only a lunatic can find a home there

I don't mind

I'll get out of bed when I'm

compelled

I usually never want to

I'll throw down the fire

when I'm compelled

After lots of self doubt

I'll drive to where the road meets

the water when I'm compelled

But only then.

Otherwise, I try to sleep

I'll close my eyes

and pretend I

am just an everyday loser

..and take a 12 minute breather

Praying for the minutes to be long

They fade fast.

When the xanax and nyquil kick in I never want to wake up

Then I go to bad places

To go there

I'm compelled

to go there

to go

I see my dad there a lot

My dad said I wouldn't amount to much

So

I've gotten ten times bigger than he was at his peak

This isn't stopping either.

Fuck him

He haunts my twisted dreams

now

Making them worse and more

desperate

That sick fuck

I wish he would die totally

He lingers, that drunk fuck

He wanders the halls of our old house calling my sisters name in my dream

He lays in bed flesh slightly rotted

He does not realize

I feel it's not right

I remember Cortez street

vividly

I ask him why he won't die in these dreams

Why won't you die?

He ignores, trudges on..

In the dreams it's like we are in the present reality

but he won't die

But he's dead 20 years ago

Why don't you care

He asks me

I said

I just don't.

I can't take this dream anymore

I wake up choking on vomit

It stings

Awake now.

My dad sits there still

He's still alive

The ghosts in me keep my long ago dead body living

This is on them, all them

I tried to die a long time ago

Just wanted to sleep

They keep me alive

They keep me compelled

It's not really me

I will break free

I must stay stay compelled..

The blood spills on a Wednesday

It spills on Valentines Day

The blood spills more

and more.

Anger spills it in Europe

In the east

and to the west

It spills intentionally

and accidentally

As far as the eye can see..

Every second of every day

The blood spills and spills again

as you cum, somewhere it spills

As you eat your expensive steak

It spills

On Labor Day

On Halloween

and Christmas Day

Your blood may not spill today

but tomorrow

maybe

it will spill.

Coffee sterilizes my insides

I wait for pizza in a dark room

Juxtaposed by the raping sun

on the other side of the wall

108 degrees still

Concrete 160

A dog can last ten minutes in a car in this summer wonderland

It's ok, you get used to it

the way you get used to cancer

There is a sick high you get in the

scald of the desert, the same high achieved in the first seconds of

hell, then it's time to retreat...

At least I'm not inhaling second hand smoke 14 hours a day like my sisters kids

It can always be worse, but it can also always not even be worse

It can always just stay the same

The iron calls my name again and the medicine eases her pain

At least she can walk

I feel relief and clear breath behind the Tourette's like

hate filled spells

I will stay there as long as they let

me, which is never long

These words, these short moments

are my only refuge

They ended me hard and fast.

Reduced to jello before the end of the first period

No time to wallow in joy

No time to taste the wine and the currents of a good day

Before the the clock struck 12

it was over

Next step

Clamoring for a solution

Fearing total defeat

Breathing heavy

They come at me head on

I aim straight for the skull

A game of chess with destiny

Complicated thoughts

dominate my space

I put the foot down on the gas

harder

and keep straight

straighter than ever

Death has my back

I hope you are lucky..