A bird with my faces

A persistent stalker of the sky.

You gather like hooligans on match day causing destruction.

You scheme as you scout out your prey.

Playing the waiting game.

Like a plane you take to the skies,

The vermin in the clouds.

In your washed-out grey coats, your screeches echo throughout the sky.

As you circle me you dive bomb me

one after another.

Resilient creatures.

With a swoop and a snatch my sarnie your prized possession.

I’m left wounded, a finger that bleeds like a dripping tap.

The battle returns to the skies as one bird fights for the sarnie and it falls to the floor,

Chests are puffed, and Feathers are ripped off.

One after one the birds leap on top of each other.

One squeezes through the heap and swallows the sarnie in one.

The birds circle him, stare and squawk while edging in closer.

Then a nearby bin is knocked over by the dustbin birds

A KFC bone rolls out.

A graveyard of birds litters the forest floor, while the smell of rotten eggs makes me heave. Once again, the Corcarcus were stripping away a place I associate with fond memories and replacing them with darkness. My legs wobble and I collapse to my knees.

‘Poxy. I need you.’ I say through watery eyes.

I feel something crawl over my hand and brush off a black and gold beetle, which leaves a red throbbing bite. The beetle stares at me before scuttering away. I stand up and shake my body, which dispels more beetles. As I itch my hand, a red boil appears.

‘Ew.’ I poke it, pus oozes out making me feel dizzy and I collapse to the floor.

The soil beneath my hands vibrates and I hear rushing beneath the ground. Giant anthills pop up all over the forest. One by one the anthills explode and thousands of beetles’ head towards me. I scramble to get up but it’s too late, the beetles create a tight barrier around me and turn into shadow corpses, the Corcarcus. Their ghostly forms emit a faint golden glow, and their hollow eyes look like moon crevices. They stare at me and point with their bony fingers; the silence is unbearable.

‘What do you want?’ I say as I struggle to stand up.

Two Corcarcus’s step aside to reveal an exit; I try to escape but they push me over. A single Corcarcus walks through the opening towards me and offers his hand. I push it away and stand up. He glides towards me.

I spit in his transparent face. ‘Get away from me.’

He wipes his face and laughs, the sound echoes around the forest.

He steps closer. ‘I wouldn’t talk to me like that.’

‘I’m not scared of you.’ I say as I hold my hands to stop them shaking.

He gives me a wide grin then grows in size, becoming twice my height. His golden glow brightens, causing me to squint. He touches my shoulder; a cold sensation passes through my body and I collapse to the floor.

‘Distructo’ I whisper as I dig my nails into the soil, finding relief in its moist texture.

‘Bravo, give the girl a round of applause.’ He turns to his shadow army who clap and edge closer. Distructo leans in and holds out his hand.

‘Mia, just accept your fate.’

Chapter 1

My feet sink into the sand as I stare at the sea, the vast empty sea. The fierce wind forces a seagull to land on the shore and creates ripples in the water which turn into mini rapids. Like my mind the sea was unsettled and like the unknown depths of the sea I couldn’t figure out why.

‘Mia.’

I turn around and see my friends on a distant island waving their hands at me. I miss my trio of friends from secondary school. Since I moved away, I never see them anymore, I understand, an hour on the bus is far, compared to living on the same street. It looks like they are attempting to make a BBQ. I shake my head and laugh, remembering our failed attempt at the last BBQ. I shrug my shoulders, at least the seagulls got a sandy feast.

‘Mia.’

I turn around and see another island and a fox beckoning me over. The sea separating the three islands bubbles and two wooden bridges appear from the water. I look at both islands, my friends offer warmth, but the fox intrigues me. I step on the bridge towards the fox but hesitate, the fox always brings nightmares.

‘Not today, Mr Fox.’ I say saluting it and walking towards my friends. I put my hand on the bridge rail, but my hand burns.

‘Ow.’ I rub my hand.

The bridge sets on fire and burns, causing me to retreat. Smoke blocks my view of my friends. I scan the island, but they have disappeared. I look to the other island, but it has also disappeared. I fall to the ground as my island shakes and starts to sink. There’s nowhere for me to escape; the island disappears beneath my feet. I’m all alone. As I tread water, I try to find something to hang on to. It’s pointless swimming when there’s nowhere to go. I’m aware I’m dreaming and it’s exhausting.

‘Wake up, wake up,’ I tell myself as my legs start to ache.

Hands grips hold of my legs, I kick the water and duck under to see what’s grabbing me. Three shadow corpses in tatty clothing smile at me as they grab my shoulders and pull me down into the darkness.

‘This isn’t real, this isn’t real,’

I say over and over as a shadow corpse comes in close and whispers in my ear.

‘Mia, accept your fate.’

I close my eyes and surrender to the darkness.

Chapter 2

I gasp for air but try to control my breathing with some deep breaths. My chest feels tight, and my neck is clammy from sweat. I sit up in bed and check the time on my phone, at 7 am. My phone vibrates and the alarm goes off, it seems my nightmares and alarm clock are in sync. My ankles feel swollen, I massage them with my hands, but they feel cold. I pull back the covers and there are red fingerprints wrapped around my ankles. I shudder.

‘Mum,’ I shout as I hyperventilate and hold my chest to try and steady my breathing.

I watch as the fingerprints fade, and the cold ache subsides. My bedroom door opens.

‘Mia, what’s wrong?’

The dog barges past Mum jumps on the bed and licks me, causing me to fall back onto the bed.

I ruffle her fur. ‘Oh Zoe, you know how to cheer me up.’

‘Bad dream?’ Mum sits on the bed.

‘Yeah, I was being chased.’ I lie.

‘That dream again, you know you can tell me anything.’ She puts her hand on my lap.

I smile. ‘I know.’

‘I’m sorry this divorce has been so hard on you. It must be stressful moving house and school.’

‘You don’t need to apologise, Dad cheated, and you wanted a fresh start.’ I jump out of bed. ‘Anyway, I love medieval villages and Tallsbury is full of history.’ I hug mum and she gives me a tight squeeze.

‘Just take it easy.’

I nod as I put some music on my phone.

Mum looks at her watch and stands up, ‘Can you walk Zoe for me?’

I look at Zoe. ‘Do you want to go for walkies?’ Her ears prick up, she jumps up and licks my face.

‘Ew,’ I wipe the drool off my face with my pyjama sleeve.

Mum stops by the door, ‘I’ll make you some porridge, you know…’

‘It’s a great start to the day.’

She scolds at me and smiles. ‘Zoe.’ The dog looks at both of us and sits in front of me.

‘Where are your loyalties?’ Mum pats her leg and Zoo runs out the door as mum closes my door. I love that she respects my privacy.

My room was tiny, more of a cloakroom. I couldn’t complain, there was room for a wardrobe, bed, and my art desk. My white desk overlooked the river and on a sunny day, I could sit here for hours and sketch. I looked at the sketch of a forest I had been working on. Every time I visited the forest in my dreams, I would add more detail. Now, I can add the fox, he’s usually too far away but I have a clear picture of him in my head. I sketch his fox form and add a splash a red to his coat, he resembles a fox in every way apart from his twin tail. I tap my paintbrush on the fox, who are you? Why do my dreams turn to nightmares after seeing you? I rip off the sketch paper and sketch the nightmare with the three islands and fox. I look at the fox, are you a good omen?

Chapter 3

My first year of 6thform passed by quickly and tonight was the prom. I was bullied at my last school, so I created a persona that reflects the normal side of my personality and not my odd side. Vivid dreaming of talking foxes was not something I wanted to share.

As Daisy and I walk into the school hall we notice the vile underwater theme decorations which oozes tackiness its plastic seashells and tinsel seaweed.

‘Wow, they went all out with the theme.’ Says Daisy touching a cut out of a mermaid, which wobbles.

‘I like it,’ I say. ‘It’s like a little mermaid on LSD.’ We both laugh.

‘At least you fit in with your shimmery aqua dress,’ says Daisy touching my dress.

‘It’s also makes for great camouflage if Jamie rejects me.’

‘Don’t be silly, he’ll be lucky to have you.’

I hug her ‘You always know the right thing to say.’

‘Hey, Daisy, Mia.’ We look over and see Holly sitting at a table decorated with sand, buckets, and spades. I grab two champagne flutes from a passing waiter, give one to Daisy and we head over to Holly.

‘Wow Holly, I didn’t know you and Daisy were twins, inspiring.’ I suppress a smile as I look at their matching dresses.

Daisy downs her drink and sits down next to Holly.

‘I thought we agreed I was going for this colour.’

Daisy combs her hair with her fingers, over and over.

Holly stands up. ‘I didn’t like the colour you picked out for me. Red suits me better.’ She adjusts her dress and calls over to her friend. ‘Hey Jenna, I love your dress.’

I sit down next to Daisy. ‘What was all that about?’

Daisy checks her make up with her compact mirror and blots away a tear.

‘Holly and I fell in love with the same dress, I agreed to wear the same dress, if we chose different colours.’

‘Huh, her shade of red looks a lot like yours.’ I steal Holly’s drink off the table and hand it to her, she downs it in one.

‘I’m going to let her have this one. She’s just acting up because her parents are getting a divorce and I’m an easy target. She even told me to choose between her and you.’ Daisy grabs my drink off me and downs it.

‘Wow, why didn’t you tell me this was going on?’

‘I couldn’t because you seem so distracted and exhausted.’

I bite my nail ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been a cruddy friend.’

Daisy hugs me. ‘Don’t be silly.’ She looks behind me. ‘Look, there’s Jamie by the bar, you should go and say hi.’

I lean on my hand and let out a sigh. ‘He looks very sexy in his suit.’

‘His rugby muscles would be able to pick you up and swing you around.’ Daisy combs her fingers through her hair. ‘Maybe I need a rugby lad, go and see if he has any single friends.’

‘Ha-ha. I know what you’re up to?’ I nudge her playfully in the arm.

‘Whatever do you mean? I need some information and his by the bar.’ She hands me the empty glasses.

I stand up but hesitate. ‘I dunno, what if he doesn’t recognise me.’

‘You’ve watched all his rugby matches with me, cheered him on, and helped tutor him in English class.’

I shrug my shoulders. ‘I dunno, I’m going to grab us some drinks.’ I adjust my bra to make my assets look perkier.

‘Maybe some Dutch courage will help.’ She winks at me and takes a sip from a flask she had sneaked in.

I will have to get her a pint of water to slow her down.

I walk past Jamie and avoid eye contact, there was no way I was approaching him without alcohol courage. I head to the rammed bar and overhear a conversation with my name in it. Of course, it was the clicky netball girls, all dressed in black cocktail dresses with side slits which ride up too close to the knicker line. I edge in closer and hide behind a tall guy at the bar.

‘Jamie is well hot; Are you gonna get with him tonight, Tiff?’ Says Sammy.

Tiff finishes applying red lipstick

‘Of course, he’s the only guy on the rugby team I haven’t hooked up with.’ They all cackle.

‘I thought Jamie liked Mia?’ Says Sissy stirring her cocktail.

I see Holly squeeze herself between two lads waiting to be served, she interrupts the conversation.

‘I wouldn’t worry about her.’ She clicks her fingers to get the barman’s attention.

Tiff looks over at her. ‘Oh, and why is that?’

Holly keeps them waiting and orders a round of shots for the girls and hands them out.

‘I’ve suspect she bats for the other team.’ They all laugh.

Tiff holds up her drink, ‘Let's drink to that.’

Tears fill my eyes and I notice Jamie has come closer and is staring at me.

‘Are you Ok?’ He smiles.

It’s all too much, I smile at Jamie and rush to the toilets, but stop at the toilet door. How dare Holly talk about me like that and how dare she treat Daisy like a trash bin. My fiery side was coming out and I wasn’t going to pretend to be a normal teen. I clutch my fists. I deserve more respect; Daisy deserves more respect. I turn around and head back to the bar. I see Holly laughing and gossiping to the girls about Daisy copying her and not having her own style. I tap her on the shoulder, she turns around and smiles, oblivious to her vile actions.

‘Mia, I was…’

‘Holly, you’re a toxic bitch.’ I say while ignoring the sickness in my stomach.

The netball girls crowd around us and Holly’s face turns red. She takes a sip of her drink and stares at me.

‘At least I’m not a fat bitch.’ She tips her champagne down my chest.

The netball girls laugh and cheer her on.

Before I can slap her Daisy grabs my arm, ‘Mia your better than this, don’t stoop to her level.’ I shrug her hand away.

‘Why don’t you but out and stop sticking up for her. My parents went through a divorce, but I didn’t turn into a bitch.’

Holly starts crying and I realise no one knew about the divorce. The netball girls glare at me and crowd around Holly.

‘Daisy I didn’t know.’

‘I think you’ve done enough damage.’ Daisy puts her arm around Holly.

I run to the toilets but decide to enter the disabled toilet because I don’t want to run the risk of bumping into the netball girls. I look in the mirror, my eyes were red. I splash water on them, which turned them into makeup panda eyes. I grabbed some tissues and rubbed my eyes raw. Why was Holly being so mean? I’m so worthless and no one will ever love me.

BANG

I hear a bin knock over outside. I climb up onto the window ledge and peer out and see a fox staring at me.

I point at it, ‘You.’ You’re the reason I keep having nightmares.’

The fox sniggers. I rummage in my purse and chuck my compact mirror at the fox. The fox scarpers.

‘Mia, what are you doing? Get down.’ Daisy pulls me down.

‘A fox sniggered at me.’ I say looking out the window.

Daisy peers outside and shakes her head. ‘How many drinks have you had?’

‘Why are you here?’

Daisy puts down the toilet seat and sits down and combs her hair with her fingers.

‘To tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t hear what Holly had said about you and me. I walked over as I heard you calling her a bitch.’

‘I assumed that, but you should know I would never call someone out without cause. Still, probably wasn’t a good idea.’

‘No, but she did wear the same colour dress as me.’ Daisy smiles.

’Yeah, that’s true. I suppose she is hurting and taking her frustration out on us.

Daisy stands up and hugs me. ‘Mia, always thinking of others.’

I open the door ‘Yeah, my Achilles heel. Let’s go get a happy meal.’

‘That’s your answer to everything, but you’re right, this party sucks but first let’s sort out your panda face’

Title: Unlocking Mia Mania.

Genre: Fantasy/horror.

Age range: Teens to Adults- 15+.

Word count: 62030

Name: Mrs Anne-Marie Cheung

My project is a good fit because it splices fantasy with realism, It touches on mental health but masks it with fantasy to allow the reader to escape to Mia’s dream-like realm. Mia has bipolar and gets lost between the dream realm and her reality. This is similar to bipolar people losing touch with reality. The story is loosely based on my experiences of being diagnosed with bipolar as a teen and finding my way through life including bouts of self-harming. I discover who I am while dealing with teen drama. My book is unique because it combines mental health with fantasy. The fantasy realm main character is a fox called Poxy who becomes Mia’s guardian spirit. They build an unbreakable bond throughout the book.

I have put together a prologue for my book and the first paragraph is the hook to entice the reader.

A graveyard of birds litters the forest floor, while the smell of rotten eggs makes me heave. Once again, the Corcarcus were stripping away a place I associate with fond memories and replacing them with darkness. My legs wobble and I collapse to my knees.

Synopsis: Join Mia on her adventure of self-discovery, Dive into her dream realm and discover the meaning behind her dreams. With the help of a guardian spirit, Mia will face her own demons and confront Distructo leader the Corcarcus. These evil beings want to steal Mia’s inner light. This epic journey will make you question your knowledge of mental health but also allow you to get lost in a fantasy novel where dreams aren’t always as they seem.

Target audience: Young Adult Fantasy.

Bio:

I have a 1:1 degree in creative writing and English literature. I have self-published two books, this one as well as a non-fiction book called My Bipolar Beast which is based on my diary entries on living with bipolar. I am in the process of writing 100 poem anthology and children’s fables. I started writing because I wanted to improve my grammar but soon learnt to love it. I’ve been writing for over 15 years and got so many projects bursting to come out. I enjoy writing fiction, mental health pieces, ghostwriting and poetry. I enjoy reading a good book especially Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. I admire how creative they are. I enjoy practising yoga day and night to help give me inner peace. I have two businesses which keep me busy, one is my ghost-writing site gingersnapflare.com and the other is a dog-walking business called daisydukesdogwalking.com. I would say I’m bubbly, determined and resilient. I will not give up on something I’m compassionate about.

Home town: West Moors, Ferndown. (South west Uk).

A graveyard of birds litters the forest floor, while the smell of rotten eggs makes me heave. Once again, the Corcarcus were stripping away a place I associate with fond memories and replacing them with darkness. My legs wobble and I collapse to my knees.

‘Poxy. I need you.’ I say through watery eyes.

I feel something crawl over my hand and brush off a black and gold beetle, which leaves a red throbbing bite. The beetle stares at me before scuttering away. I stand up and shake my body, which dispels more beetles. As I itch my hand, a red boil appears.

‘Ew.’ I poke it, pus oozes out making me feel dizzy and I collapse to the floor.

The soil beneath my hands vibrates and I hear rushing beneath the ground. Giant anthills pop up all over the forest. One by one the anthills explode and thousands of beetles’ head towards me. I scramble to get up but it’s too late, the beetles create a tight barrier around me and turn into shadow corpses, the Corcarcus. Their ghostly forms emit a faint golden glow, and their hollow eyes look like moon crevices. They stare at me and point with their bony fingers; the silence is unbearable.

‘What do you want?’ I say as I struggle to stand up.

Two Corcarcus’s step aside to reveal an exit; I try to escape but they push me over. A single Corcarcus walks through the opening towards me and offers his hand. I push it away and stand up. He glides towards me.

I spit in his transparent face. ‘Get away from me.’

I'm scared...

Scared I will lose my mind,

get lost in a maze of lies.

Lose the grasp of reality,

what is real?

I stumble down the rabbit hill of my mind's complex web.

My mind likes to play tricks on me, convince me his lie are true.

I walk blind down a corridor not knowing which door to open.

Is this true?

Is that true?

It must be true if my mind says it's true.

My mind stares at me like an unwanted guest, testing me, smiling while I cause my own destruction.

He stalks me daily, never hidden always present.

It starts with a whisper, a simple lie, one that goes undetected.

'You know you can sing.'

This starts a ripple effect.

Singing in the shower,

writing my own songs,

posting on youtube,

entering Xfactor.

Harmless.

With a wide grin, my mind gets to work.

'They're noticing you, they have been watching you for years, wanting you to be famous. Open your window and sing out loud so people like Simon Cowell, Andrew Lord Webber and others can listen through satellite dishes'

'You lie' I whisper.

My mind becomes a conductor of the instruments playing out the evidence.

'I am you, why would I lie?

'Remember years ago when you applied to Britain got Talent and went to the auditions in London. They recorded your voice, you're on their record. They've been watching you.'

I shake my head and try to walk away from the madness my mind plagues me with.

but my mind has ways to wear me down.

He rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

Every stranger plays their part as paranoia seeps in.

He whispers in my ear,

'You can read their mind, they're scared of you.'

A master at work he turns my want to be famous into something more sinister.

'Celebrities are not the only ones watching you.'

I

try to ignore him, laugh at his nonsense.

'I am you, why would I lie?'

I make a mistake and ask who, who's watching me?

'The cult.' He says before disappearing.

I panic, what does he mean?

While I sleep he drip-feeds me lies about my life, they seep into my dreams.

Day by day he wears me down, beyond exhaustion.

Stress causes ulcers in my stomach and lack of sleep makes me question my judgement.

My mind smiles and licks his lips then he bombards me with a wave of lies, one more ridiculous than the next. He starts with a memory, one from a previous manic episode.

'Remember when Mum took you to the church because you thought you were seeing spirits and they told you, you had the devil in you? They weren't just ordinary churchgoers they belonged to the church of Scientology.'

He lets it seep in.

I try to question him but I'm too exhausted. I just want it all to go away.

My mind offers out his hand,

'I will show you why you are the way you are.'

'I am you, why would I lie.'

Then he gets to work laying out the evidence piece by piece. Fabricating the truth to mask the lie.

'You're adopted, that's why you are so different, the only ginger, the only one to get a degree, the only one with bipolar. Your real parents were killed by the cult, Scientology was never a religion they are a cult. They have been watching you, can't you tell how strangers stare at you and follow you. Look them up, they have buildings close to where you have been in the country. Erecting new buildings where ever you move to. You are their golden child brainwashed to be the new leader.'

Seeing my doubt my mind digs his claws into me.

'You doubt me? Your loved ones are in on it. Your Godmother is the one who brainwashed you with the teachings of Alice in wonderland, that's why she gave you the book. Your mother and husband whisper behind your back, convincing you you're having a manic episode but you're perfectly fine. Your mother and father are not your parents they are your caregivers trained to make you become a leader.'

'I am your mind, why would I lie?'

I try to fight him off but he rolls up his sleeves. he has one more card to play.

His many friends, the voices.

They seep into my mind one by one.

He calls them the voices of the cult.

They have a machine which allows them to enter my mind but they have to be close by.

My neighbours are now wrapped up in his lies, they belong to the cult, and they report back to them.

The voices talk to me,

An old lady,

An old man,

A younger boy.

I'm able to hang onto reality and push them away.

My mind wraps himself around me,

'Not this time, you won't ignore me, nor fight me, you will surrender.'

Knowing he is losing he introduces more voices, and the room fills up. Like a train more voices board on, unlike a train no one departs.

Now I can hear the voices of famous people, famous singers,

Ed Sherran,

One direction,

Simon Cowell,

BST.

He makes me listen to their songs, and conveniences me that the cult isn't the only one's wanting me.

'They are watching you.'

'I am you, why would I lie?'

Their songs become my hymns, I start a daily ritual to silence the voices of the cult.

Dunking my head under the water,

having a hot shower, then a cold shower and turning around three times.

It starts to help, I can reach out for reality.

The voices quieten.

My mind shakes his head,

'Im not letting you get away.'

He stretches his body and begins to type up the next part of his plan. A lethal blow. He needs to turn everyone against me. He looks at my husband who is trying to hold onto me.

He waits,

bides his time, and makes me feel like I'm back in control.

He sees his opportunity.

A military husband has to go away at some point.

I'm all alone.

He convinces me that my family is not my family and the doctors are trying to take away my beautiful voice.

My mind licks his lips and drinks in the lies he is about to unfold.

'The voices are all trying to save you from them...'

He sits next to me and puts his hand on my lap.

'Let me unfold the real truth. While you lay there in pain from yet another bout of IBS your husband works against you. He works for them. There is a reason you are the golden child of the cult, you have powers, you can read people's minds and they know.'

Before I can question this, I phone my husband and hear crackling on the phone line, I beg him to return, I try to make him understand but my mind puts his hand over my mouth and whispers in my ear.

'He not even away, your husband is next door working for them.'

I hang up the phone, I plead with my mind,

'Tell me the truth.'

He puts a reassuring arm around my shoulder.

'You can tap into brainwaves.'

He lets it seeps in.

He drip-feeds me other voices, these ones are soldiers.

I try to shut them out, aware that I'm on a military patch and they could kidnap me at any time. My mind breaks down my walls and lets them in. They fight with me, and tell me to stop listening to their private conversations. I try to block them out but I am too exhausted.

My mind has won,

I no longer peer into the world of non-reality,

I am immersed in its darkness.

Unlike the cult and the celebrities, these military men want to punish me. If I can't stop myself from listening to their conversations they will force me to.

I beg my mind to help me but he has disappeared into the mist, untraceable.

Every time I hear the soldiers' voices they become aware and punish me.

Somehow they make me submit like a dog.

My legs shake as they make me collapse to the floor.

Their voices command me.

'Stay put, do not move, sleep.'

I fall asleep and wake in a daze no longer hearing their voices.

For a while this works.

The sleep makes me stronger and I fight back,

they do not like this.

Their voices flood my mind.

'When we command you will collapse to your knees and to end the transmission you will need to go to the toilet.'

Easy enough,

No.

Plagued with constipation this task became impossible.

I begged my mind to help me.

Like the joker my mind likes to play games with me, he relishes in my despair.

'You need to make a pact with the military, a sacrifice. Do you trust me?'

Exhausted I nod my head.

I take my dog to a local pub just 10 minutes from home, up a country path.

'Jump the fence but leave the dog.'

I cry and cry, not wanting to leave my dog. She was the last thing holding me together, the last relationship I could count on. '

'Leave the dog,' Screamed my mind.

I tell my dog to go home, having faith that she would know the way. We had walked this path a thousand times.

My mind takes my hand.

'I have come to a truce with the military, they will leave you alone if you play a game. You see this pub try to enter undetected.'

I play the game my mind sets out for me, but with the voices at bay I realise this is wrong, it doesn't make sense.

I make my way home, back to the safety of its warm embrace, my dog waits for me.

My mind hisses at me and slams the door.

Peace and quiet.

Dreams turn into nightmares of a child drowning in the sea, and I awake in a sweat.

My mind stands there staring at me.

'Telekineses isn't the only power you have, you can find missing children.'

I try to question my mind.

'I am you, why would I lie to you?'

I shake my head and laugh at my mind,

'That is unbelievable.'

My mind sulks away.

The voices become whispers.

My husband returns.

With him near I can counteract any scenarios my mind throws my way.

I am not a Chinese spy,

I cannot enter people's minds.

I'm not part of a cult.

My mind has a fit and screams at me.

For a couple of days, I grasp at reality.

Then he returns with more friends.

The voices wear me down one by one.

I turn to my husband but my mind is prepared.

'The cult could have your husband killed and your pets. Don't believe me?'

My mind hits me with fabricated flashbacks of animals being abused.

He knows my weakness.

I fight him off but he attacks me while I sleep.

I dream of having a heart attack and dying in my home. I awake and walk around the house convenience I have died.

My home is no longer my saviour.

I beg my mind to stop playing these games, I will do anything he wants me to do.

'Run away, disappear.'

I shake my head.

'If you do the voices will stop.'

I cut off all contact with everyone, pack a bag and run. I have no destination.

I become a poster.

My mind has won.

White walls,

A cocktail of pills

Sleep,

Silence the voices,

My mind changes from a devil into an angel.

Yet.....

My mind has won, it has turned my memories of one year ago into flashbacks, daily reminders of what has been.

I may have come back to reality but my mind will have the last say.

My mind has won.

I’m tormented by my dreams.

Every one a type of torture to grind me down.

Past traumas knock me back over and over.

Night after night they hit me like a bowling pin.

A woven web of nightmares which

creates a dark tapestry of memories once forgotten.

Ones that need to be forgotten to protect my fragile mind.

I never wanted to leave you, it was my bipolar beast in control.

I was an unwilling passenger.

When I said I didn’t love you,

I didn’t mean it.

I was just pushing you away, protecting you from the darkness that dwells within.

At the time my mind was not my mind.

I was seeing things that weren’t there.

I was hearing things that were fabricated lies.

I never wanted to push you away.

I was protecting you from my chaotic mind.

Like a jar with a hairline crack I was going to break.

The build up of mania busting inside me was reaching its peak.

I kept pushing you away.

I was only protecting you, if I couldn’t control my inner beast, then how were you going to cope with me.

When I lay next to you In bed

covered in sweat,

I’m reminded of what I did to you one year ago today.

I used to cry when I had these reoccurring nightmares but now I see the truth.

My mind is punishing me.

Guilt tripping me over and over.

Until I learn to forgive myself my

Shadows will cast an eerie presence over me.

A reminder.

An underlining truth.

One I am not ready to face.

This boardwalk is the only thing

separating me from you.

Its rotting wood is home to many, beetles, woodlice and worms.

At least they have a home.

They haven't been evicted, humiliated or betrayed.

The swamp below the boardwalk is full of life.

Fishes swim in the murky water and

frogs lay eggs.

At least they are settled not thrown into disrepair.

The moment you looked at that girl I knew it was over.

The kingfisher keeps a watchful eye on the water, diving in when an opportunity arises.

At least he can come and go.

You changed the locks and threw out my clothes.

Making room for your new woman,

I'm just a passing glance.

This boardwalk separates me from you.

It creaks and moans when I put my foot on it, as I move further along, water seeps onto the wood.

I want to move forward and get on with my life

but I must take a step back, create a new boardwalk,

one which doesn't lead to you.

I got you for my birthday,

you fitted comfortably in my hands.

Mum said you were a micro pig,

one that wouldn’t grow pass the size of a cat.

At the time I was going through a low but when you snuggled up on my lap you made me smile.

I called you Pip, Pip the pig.

As you grew so did I.

You grew pass the size of a collie dog, no longer my little pig.

You grew and grew hardly fitting on your bed.

I had to fight for you to stay.

Mum said a pot belly pig should not live in the house.

I plead my case.

You are more than a pig. You are

a listening ear when I’ve had a bad day at school.

You are a conversation starter who surprises others who think I’m talking about a dog.

I love to take you on walks in your bright red harness.

You waddle down the street sniffing at the flowers.

Oinking your approval of acceptable strangers.

At night time you took up most of my bed but I don’t mind, your like a huge soft toy I can cuddle.

Over the years our walks got less and less.

You developed a tumour on your neck which hindered your breathing.

As you laid there on the cold metal table struggling to breathe I knew what I had to do.

I didn’t want to let you go.

I didn’t want you to suffer.

I held your trotter in my hands and kissed you gentle on the forehead as you closed your eyes and fell into a endless dream.

When you smile I smile.

Your laughter is infectious.

Your hugs let me know I’m safe.

Sleeping next to you is like a comfort blanket.

Like horny teenagers we make love daily.

When I’m down you pick me up.

Our love is washed over by something more sinister.

In the cupboard I hide from you.

Our love had turned to hate.

Your anger is like an erupting volcano.

We play a game of hide and seek but if you find me I will become your punching bag.

No one is safe from the red demon that lives within you.

Our new puppy lies dead on the floor, a victim of your rage.

Strangled for peeing on the floor.

I tried to stand up for myself, threatened to call the police.

This was a mistake.

This fuelled your anger more.

I sit as still as I can in the cupboard with my hand over my mouth to muffle my breathing.

For hours you trash the place then grab a crate of beers and sit in front of the tv.

I will not move until you fall asleep.

I sculpt words through my imagination.

I allow my words to dance on the paper.

I write to collect my thoughts, organise them on paper.

My words flow and take on a mind of themselves.

My muse is the world around me.

Nature offers clues, snippets to fuel my imagination.

I need to get the words out of my head that scream and scream.

I need to soothe the beast within.

I write to banish away the blues and get the negativity on paper, prison it on paper, to keep it out of harms way.

My poetry offers a safety net, a release, a type of therapy.

Writing is like a railway train, thoughts get on, thoughts get off.

The journey begins with the first draft, the raw material.

Along the way words get discarded, words get added until the train reaches it’s destination, the final piece.

I write to give my self a purpose, to prove I have a gift, a passionate, a natural talent in sculpting words on paper.

I daily listen to podcasts.

One podcast a day.

My favourite topic is

serial killers and what makes them tick.

From cannibals who love an exotic taste to those with a weird hobby in creating human skin lamps.

I‘ve listen to them all.

But

there is one thing bugging me.

All these killers get caught and end up in the court.

Pleading for less time with a golden ticket.

A plead of insanity.

How can they associate mental health with these monsters.

I am offended that my condition

bipolar is compared to a serial killer.

Oh they must have mental health, no one in their right mind would kill.

Excuses after Excuses.

They had a shitty childhood blah blah blah.

Lots of sane people have had shitty childhoods but they don’t have the urge to kill.

Stop making excuses.

Admit it’s part of you, your personality that made you a killer.

Stop with the excuses.

You make people with mental health feel more isolated in a world where we are still misunderstood.

A plead for insanity is looking for the easy way out and not confronting the monster within.