Stay

We all have moments when we feel invisible. Moments that lead our hearts to believe that in one quick poof we could vanish, and the world wouldn't know. Our absence would go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

Last night, I decided to star-gaze alone, so I could give this theory some considerable thought. Stretched out on the cold grass, I watched a rather vibrant shooting star make its debut and almost instinctively mumbled my wish: "I just want to disappear."

This morning that wish came true. I never would have expected it. I mean, I hadn't ceased to exist entirely, but I suddenly had the ability to become invisible on command. I could simply "disappear", just like that! I tested it over and over, and every time, it worked perfectly. "This is my chance!" I thought. I could finally affirm that my absence wouldn't turn a head or bat an eye.

I had to be careful at first, because I didn't want to concern Mom. Therefore, I was present at breakfast, present at prayer, and present as I jogged with little Jane to the bus stop. However, immediately after sitting down in the back of the bus, I vanished. The bus ride went on as usual until we got to Katie's stop. Katie boarded and scanned the bus in a quiet panic. I quickly realized she was looking for me. Katie would always sit next to me because the boys in the front pulled her braids. I suddenly felt anxious. I hated to see that look on her face. I needed to be there! Without further hesitation, I reappeared and waved down Katie. I watched the relief wash over her little body. She joined me in the back and promptly began reading her novel with a look of contentment on her face.

Before I walked into my first class, I decided to become invisible again. I sat in the back corner and didn't make a peep. The bell rang and Ms. Bean walked to the front. Ms. Bean is a very new teacher, and I've heard a lot of awful rumors about her. Of course, I don't believe them. In fact, even when I'm bored out of my mind, I try to look engaged in her lessons. I just want her to feel like somebody is listening. Today I watched her battle for the class's attention. No one was listening-- not even pretending to listen! To my dismay, no one was smiling at Ms. Bean either. My heart broke, and my feet became restless. I quietly walked to the doorway, reappeared, and made my entrance. "Sorry, Ms. Bean!" I exclaimed. "The bus was late today". I watched as the corners of her mouth spread into a smile. "It's okay. We are happy you could join us today," she said.

By the time lunch came around, I was starving. Maybe my invisibility tricks were burning extra calories. After piling food on my lunch tray, I walked into the middle of the cafeteria. To my surprise, my usual spot was still open. My classmates had literally sat around it. I quietly walked over and listened to the conversation taking place before me. “Where did she go?” I heard Ben ask. “I wanted to be in her group for the science project.” My heart began to swell. I knew he was talking about me. Science was my favorite subject, and I always received excellent scores on the biweekly projects. Ben was a good student too, but he would choose History over Science any day. Dang, I would have loved to work with him this time. He proceeded, “If I don’t raise my grade in science class, my mom won’t let me try out for the school play.” My heart sunk. He deserved the lead in the play this year, everyone knew it! If Harry got the lead again, we were planning to sign a petition. I became anxious, and quickly made my way to the doorway. I reappeared and walked into the cafeteria yet again. As I set down my tray at the table, Ben turned to me in desperation. “I was hoping you’d come!”

Choir class really proved to be something else. Our choir teacher was particularly on-edge today, and I couldn’t figure out why. I sat in the back, expecting to kick back and enjoy the show. To my dismay, the altos sounded atrocious. Absolutely horrid. I knew the alto part by heart, and it really pained me to hear it sung so off-pitch. It also pained our teacher, Mr. Long. His squinty eyes said it all. I became anxious. Suddenly, I found myself running to the door, only to reappear and re-enter. The teacher gave me a look of disapproval for my tardiness, but I just brushed it off. I joined the altos in haste. In no time, the girls began to follow my lead and sing on key. Mr. Long’s eyes began to open a little more and his shoulders relaxed immensely. “Thank goodness you are here,” the girl beside me whispered.

That phrase rang through my head time and time again. I couldn’t shake it. My entire theory was falling apart before my eyes! Disappearing wasn’t so enjoyable anymore, because I continuously felt a need to reappear. I was exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions. Back and forth, back and forth. I just wanted to stay. I JUST WANTED TO STAY! That thought entered my heart, and I ran with it. Literally. I ran the track workout after school with more energy than ever before. The wind pushed at my back and propelled my legs over every hurdle. Being physically present in that moment felt like such a gift. And that is when the other “gift” faded away. I couldn’t disappear anymore, but the beautiful thing is, I didn’t want to.