I have nothing left to give

I have spent every day spitting up bloody teeth and destroying my own organs from the inside out

I have nothing left inside of me

I have scraped the bottom of the barrel and I don’t know where to go from here

All I am pulling out is the blood and muscle collected at the bottom of my heart

I am tired

Tired of crying

Tired of fighting

Tired of waking up and feeling like I am floating above my bed spread

I have nothing left to say

No more soft words will fall from these lips

I have spent my whole life trying to make beauty and I have nothing left to create

I cannot feel the poetry within my bones anymore

I am only human

I am broken

Aren’t we all?

But I can’t write for those fellow broken souls anymore

I am sorry,

I am no longer a good messenger to guide you

I will only lead you into the dirt

I am a deathtrap waiting to happen

I am tired but no amount of sleep helps

I close my eyes against the wicked thoughts and press the palm of my hand into my heartbeat

I wish I did not feel so alone

I am a ghost

I am nothing real

That’s good,

The world does not need to create something so messed up

It is much easier on everyone if I can be a mistake

I have nothing left to say

The pool inside of me is empty

I am empty

Who am I without my heart?

Who am I without my words?

I am tired

Be kind

Be soft

Be nothing all

Let yourself stare at your wall long enough

You’ll be surprised what you’ll find

Within the cracks lies all of your sadness

They all tell you you’re worthless and no one will love you again

Its ok to believe them

Why would your walls lie?

After all

You feel it in your bones

You feel everything dragging you down

You feel like your drowning,

Who doesn’t?

You’re nothing special

Get over your sadness

Only the wall wants to hear your cries

It’s easy to become nothing at all

The love of your life taught you all of the methods

You smoke until you can’t breathe,

Starve until you can feel

It’s easy to wait until your hipbones are as deadly as knives

It goes without saying that you want to use them on yourself’

It goes without saying that you want to die

Who doesn’t?

Your impact on the world is not even enough to make you missed

You would fade into past obituaries

Do you want that?

Yes

Your heart doesn’t exist in your chest

You monster

Why can’t you feel anything?

You can’t write anymore because you’re not sad enough

And now you just don’t have any emotions to write about

The first thing you come up with is this self-deprecating poem

That’s fitting

You will spend the rest of your life hating yourself

You might as well write it down

One more step, one more hour waited. Maximize the danger, minimize the inflicted risk. How much can this hurt if I really dont care anyways? How much fear can one person have when their stomach is already empty? Without anything to cling to I cant be afraid, if I have no hope how drastic will this feel.

Calm down its just one night walk.

Maybe three or four more. Maybe enough until the darkness swallows me whole.

You'll find me underneath the street lamps just watching.

Im watching my world pass me by.

But is it really my world if im so anxious to leave it?

Is it really worth carrying pepperspray in a clutched palm if I welcome whatever happens?

Im playing chicken with the darkness. Willing it to jump at me just so I can bite back.

Who can inflict pain the quickest? Maybe it will help me feel more alive.

Its just one more walk along the tight rope.

And I say once again how I will build myself smaller than you

But I will not allow myself to become smaller than you.

I want all the beauty of paper skin stretched over delicate collarbones, 

beautiful hip bones cutting lines into your bed sheets in the morning.

But I don't want the frailty.

I want my piano fingers to be crafted out of iron bars

I will never be stuck in your cell.

You chuckle into my hair

Because the beautiful girl always says that

Right before she takes a chunk out of her own spine and

Shrinks.

The beautiful girl always protests against the fingers you have pressed into her cheekbones.

I will build myself to be your shadow.

Don't worry, you get the light. You get the spotlights on the stage but I

I will not die in the darkness.

The beautiful girl always says that but I vow that I will steal away all the light in the world if you break me down.

I will imprison you behind my iron bar fingers and force you to look out my eyes.

And feel what it feels like to be

The side dish.

Float on wings made of glass,

With tiny cracks between the specks of gold.

I hope as you fly you remind them of all the times they tried to pull you down from your sky scraper.

Scraped knees and chapped lips never looked as good as that summer.

That summer when we soared above it all.

I colored you white like daisies and dipped you in vats of glitter. 

You were my emerald dream, my lighthouse in my dark seas.

Remember all the ways they shouted and turn those to songs.

I love to sing in the car so much I lost my voice but

I can still sing higher than their hopes.

Do you remember the things we have endured?

The gloomy nights I created stories to keep me company in my brain.

I locked them in silver boxes and we laughed.

We laughed because they were sadder than I would ever be.

Cling to your balloon string and sail far away from here.

I want you to be safe.

My heart,

You are my work of art, my constant masterpiece. 

Remember all the things they said we couldn’t be.

Remember all the things that we are.

My heart.

How wrong we were,

My stories rose from their silver box grave stones and overtook me,

I am sadder than we ever thought I would be.

My heart,

You left me a long time ago.

I have long forgotten the hollow thud in my chest,

I have long forgotten to appreciate what you were.

Everday I miss your beauty,

What a wonderful companionship we made.

You have been gone too long,

I hope things are better far away from me dragging you down.

You are not an almighty and unknown source,

Though you think you hold the world between your palms,

You too can shake under the great weight

And crumble beneath the burdens of the skies.

We are only players in your game, but you don't know the rules.

So if I fall between the cracks in the rocks, who's to stop me?

Fate?

What hand can fate have when no one holds the cards?

The deck's been gone a long time and we're all out of luck.

What good can the reassurance of destiny be when I'm already falling blindly.

After all, this is only manslaughter and we

Are only players in the game.

So take a shot at me my dear,

For this is only love,

And I want to fall.

I will plunge into the darkness for you,

Because the idea of "fate" flickers like a neon sign behind my eyelids.

And everything is too bright.

I've been wanting to do more on the topic of intimacy.

More on the frailty of a birds heart and the flutter of tiny wings.

There is something fascinating about your eyelashes against your cheek bones and I wonder why I can fall asleep around you. 

I wonder if its because I'm so comfortable that you lull me into dreams,

But maybe its because Ive been deprived of oxygen for so long. I come up to breath in your eyes and I only smoke cigarettes  when you're not around to exhale smoke into my lungs.

And yes the drugs might kill me but at least they'll never break my heart.

At least I won't need to cry anymore and I don't know whats going on with me.

But I know the sound of your heart well enough to pick it out of a crowd,

And I'm convinced that maybe we came from the same solar system.

I know I need to leave this bed soon but darling,

Will you let me stay in your head?

All I want to do I nestle behind your eyelids so maybe I can see myself the way you do.

I want all the freedom that comes from running but I don't want to let go of your hand.

I want to apologize to the universe. I have found out its secrets about love.

Nothing is mysterious any more.

Ive been told that love might ruin me,

But I feel safe between your arms.

Tell me again how you'll never get tired of the sound of my breathing.

You say you don't want me to be lonely and then you leave me alone on my worst nights.

The nights where even my own sobs have left me and all I can pull from my lips are small strangled gasps.

They have left to seek someone who puts up a better fight that I can, who has the strength to claw themselves off of their couches and scream. They don't want weaklings, only victims who can fight them back.

I am not a victim except for when I paint myself into one. I play hide and go seek with my own anger and count the harmful things in my house. I make lists on the bad nights.

I don't need a knight to fight for me I just need someone to hold my hands away from my face on nights like these. I need someone to hold me when I can not stop shaking and everything feels cold.

Why did you leave me alone, when the walls are closing in.

Its the same story every time,

I have stars on my skin that I want to put out, 

My eyes have been dry for too long.

My mind is trying to drown me

and I'm letting it.

Its the same story every time.

Its me in my room, staring at my ceiling and imagining how it would feel to be happy all the time.

To not feel like every breath in is painful.

Why can’t I be happy with the stars on my skin,

I want to drown them.

You color me soft green, like the foam that gathers on top of waves. 

I am soft to the touch and disappear far too quick, a dream on the tip of your tongue.

But somehow you have found a way to hold me, preserve me, as the mist.

And I know with you I will never loose my color.

Ive always loved indigo but you say it is too dangerous for me. It is too dark for me.

I am less siren and more mermaid. And though I yearn for the crashing waves, I bite my tongue and bleed a dark blue color.

I am content with the indigo circle on my wrist.

I want to be your sea breeze and carry you home after a long day.

The taste of salt on your tongue can be my tears but I promise they won't be from sadness. I want my waves to bring you to your place, because its next to me.

You color me all the shades of the water, and whether I am dark that day or the white light shining through the surface of the water, I know you will stay.

You hold me like I'm water, tight enough to hold me together but you let me stay fluid.

And the ocean whispers in our ears,

"You were never meant to sleep apart."