I have risen from the ash

dusting myself off to start

scrubbing the nooks of my being

and over time

I will be clean again

Like a lotus flower

Blooming out of mud

becoming the symbol of purity

I come from the mud

desire and hate

searching for the truth

grasping at shiny things

It turns out glass can cut you

Now I crane my neck

as we drive past trees

Staring up at the clouds as I walk

I run into something

and shift back into this reality

This reality that we focus on so much

Planning, speaking, worrying

like the sky wasn’t looking down on you all this time

like the cells of those plants were’t turning the sun into fuel

as you sat in anger over what was said to you

words spoken from the lips of another earthly being

coming from a mind that has not walked your path

I spent so much time wallowing in the mud

not knowing

the clouds were there the whole time

I used to hate my nose

I thought it was too big

I will get a nose job when I’m older

I was sure of it

now I love my nose

clouds drifting and morphing in the sky

fresh vibrant green leaves displaying life

creations that come out of my hands

the possibilities

opportunities across this reality

each syllable spoken rippling across

the universe to affect others

everything seems so big now

compared to my nose

usually i flip over rocks

and find snakes

writhing around

disguising themselves in the brush

waiting til i exhale to strike

i wish they would strike before

before i think i’m safe

when i’ve found comfort

in admiring the leaves

under the rock

this time i think i might have found it

something good

tempting me with genuineness

that will really be fulfilled

maybe it’s real

I’ve had a few roses

but they all withered away

people seem to favor bouquets

but I’m waiting for ones with roots

ones that will hold true

i don’t like to witness the flowers

slowly let go of their strength

fading into the color of dried blood

like a wound that should of been cleaned

but was left to scab

i want to water and care for them

see the flora grow and evolve over time

give them the opportunity

to become something

even more beautiful

trimmed roses look nice at first glance

but have you ever seen a garden?

if you trace the ink in her skin

and go beyond the bruises on her knuckles

you can see what’s inside

you must travel over

the bones that protrude at her shoulders

and look past

the scars on her arm

what have you revealed?

is it what you hoped for?

is the truth any different than what you already saw?

you will come to find the scars go deeper

laced into every fiber of her spirit

the spiders of her life

spinning webs around in her DNA

this is where she cries out in agony

the pain too much to hold on to

so she screams it

and bleeds it out

this is where she stops herself in conversation

saves it for herself

or discards it completely

for it would not be received

or worse

it might become real

every dark place has it’s beauty

the nooks you have to know about to find them

here is a smile

when she watches the birds soar overhead

the firm grip of a paintbrush in her hand

as she creates her own reality

did you find what you were looking for?

an ounce of purity?

a dark secret?

or even yourself?

my skin was battered and bruised

I kept it on as long as I could

scared to reveal what was underneath

for fear of finding something worse

one day I was struck

my skin tore

I picked at the wound

pulled back the edges

what i saw was not only beautiful

but terrifying

I stitched myself up

an attempt to keep my outside together

after poking and prodding

mending and repairing

it all fell apart

I had shed my skin

and stored it away to look back on

today I disposed of it

for I no longer need it

his name was will

my cover story

the artificial relationship

created to please others

she had many names

she was everywhere

in the soft laugh i hear walking in the hallways

hips touching on the bus

hair running between my fingertips

as I braided her hair

she was the feminine warmth

the kindness

silky gentleness

undeniable strength

the light of the city peaks through the blinds

and that is all that shows me

my hand as it drops off the bed

hanging there lifeless except for the shaking

do i really want this?

no

the desperation to live kicks in

i muster up the strength

and stumble to a standing position

i lick my lips and taste the salty sweat

my legs quiver beneath me

as i run into my door and push it open

soon i am being handed a bowl of food

“those face masks won’t help you when you’re dead”

says the provider

you’re not real

my version of you is simply

a perception created to please myself

or is this the best design?

I wonder how you see me

does it matter

what if you see me as perfect?

does that make it real?

what if I like your model better?

could I accept it as my own?

after all you don’t have to see something

with your own two eyes

to believe that it’s truth

I lift my face away from my screen

the morning light surprises me

and fills the room

with a eerie comfort

I stumble to the kitchen

swallow my prescribed sanity

I don’t miss the sleep

just like I don’t miss you

no one notices the flowers are wilting

til they fade away