Falling for a Friend

My first thought when I saw you was “Damn, what an ugly loser.” In retrospect, I was an idiot.

To my credit, I could never have expected you to have this power over me. You were so innocent, standing there doing your Spanish homework with Ryan from physics. At the time, you were still worryingly underweight and incapable of producing even the beginnings of a mustache. I needed some platonic guy friends, so I decided right then that you would become just that, a guy who I would never have any romantic feelings for.

I strutted up to your table, making certain to roll my hips with each step. “I’m soooo bored”, I drawled. The first words I ever said to you, and I sounded like a typical rich teenage girl. Ignoring my self hatred, however, I gave you a smile worth a thousand monopoly dollars. I’d say real cold hard cash but I’m not that conceited. Nevertheless, even if I didn’t expect to have feelings for you, I fully expected you to fantasize about me. After all, although I may not be ‘a solid ten’, I was quite the catch. And you I initially found quite unnattractive. But look at me now, wishing, hoping that just maybe... yeah, sorry I'm not that melodramatic, even though it's true that I want you.

I don’t remember much of our early conversations. I think you were still so shy that we barely spoke, but every day you would pass that table, only to find me sitting there with two chairs already pulled up: one for Ryan from physics, and one for you. You were so cute, unsure as to whether you should sit or not. I could read you like a book. Naturally, I did what any overconfident chic would do, and gestured with my head for you to come over. You would put your bag on your chair, but never sit. It got on my nerves every time.

I first considered you as more than just a friend in early September, pretty soon after school started, to be honest. So I don’t know why I’m acting like it took forever for me to fall for you. Anyhow, I was walking with green-eyed Maddie to the nurse when she turned to me out of the blue and asked me if I liked you. My eyes went wide, I laughed, and said no before even thinking. What came after, I regret more than anything. I remember it so well. I said:

“Why would I like him? I mean, have you seen him?”

I want to go up to my past self and slug her in the mouth. Like, Bitch, he is the most beautiful guy I have ever seen. His hair, his eyes, his skin, his jaw, his nose...

Sure, even your best features aren’t perfect, and neither are you; I’m not clueless. You have flaws. Physically, you’re super skinny, like bony skinny. You have acne on your face and seriously concerning dry skin. Also, your hair is at an awkward length right now so it looks like a spinosaurus’ back from the profile, but these things are temporary. I’d say something cliché like “I can love you despite them”, but that’s not at all how I feel. First off, the word love is so overused, especially by teenage girls, and second, these flaws are what originally drew me to you. You were so real. It’s cute, especially because I don’t think you know how to be fake, so I know you’re not trying to be unusual, but you are anyway.

Besides the physical “flaws”, you have some personality issues too. You get kind of annoying when you eat too much sugar, and even though you don’t ever get mad or legitimately sad, you have a negative attitude about a lot of stuff. Like english class, for example, I love, but you hate. And the weird poetry teacher who we laugh about in good fun, you genuinely dislike. You think swim team sucks, even though you are on it, and you can’t conjure enough drive to get through thirty minutes of homework that you don’t want to do. This especially kills me because you get down on yourself like you’re not smart or deep because you get average grades, but news flash, you idiot, I would NEVER like a dumb guy, so that’s that.

The biggest problem I have with you though, is that I’m not even on your radar as more than a friend, and it’s all your fault. Screw you for having a girlfriend, you jerk.

I mean, I met you, we became friends, and I fall, even after I learned that you have a serious girlfriend. How stupid am I? We’ve just begun and I am already over. But hell, for the sake of this damn prose, here’s to new beginnings, forehead.