When the Darkness comes

I hope you're far away

I hope there is a mean in you

to leave me

I'll be broken if you see

I have no light

to mend these fractures

so sprint away

before it hurts...

I’m eating an enchilada and drinking cold coffee on my back steps

And sitting in a warm patch of sun.

It’s seventy degrees in California

And quarantine doesn’t seem so bad.

It’s just such fun,

Dreaming and caffeinating.

Dreaming and quarantining.

Never forgetting the chaos, so I remember the peace

Never forget the darkest nights, so I can remember the light of the morning

Never forget the feelings of inadequacy, so I can remember the feelings of accomplishment

Never forget the ones who were only out to use and abuse, so I can remember the ones who were true

Never forget the insincerity of their words, so I can remember the sincerity of mine.

Never forget the toxic environment that surrounds them, so I can remember the healing process I’m striving towards

Never forget the warning your gut gives off, so I can remember to love myself enough to walk away

Let's not fall in love.

Let's not hold hands.

Let's not kiss.

Let's not.

I don't want to hurt you.

I don't want to get hurt.

I'm scared you'll leave.

I don't want you to see me cry.

I don't want to.

I'm scared.

I want to hold you in my arms forever.

But I can't.

So let's not fall in love.

I'm sorry.

I'm alright.

For now.

But I don't know.

It could change.

Maybe change is good

Or not.

I'll just have to find out.

But for now,

I'm alright

I am limited edition

One of my kind

I'm a free spirit

I've got a powerful mind

I have no mute button

just a raise the volume

I am no one but me

I won't hide behind a costume.

So many just

hide behind a mask

but I step forward

I am up to the task

You might call me big headed

but theres nothing wrong with confidence

nothing you can do with your jealousy

will ever change my brilliance

You stare into the mirror,

'I look cute today', you deduce with a bright smile

'Yea, like a chubby lil adorable piggy', you smile back sardonically

'Not today'

'No everyday'

You walk away feeling pained

You skip breakfast because you lost your appetite.

Or so you tell yourself.

Around one past midday, 

You feel the beginning of a headache,

A telltale sign, hunger.

'I should get something, even though I don't fell hungry'

You get up.

'You don't deserve food'

You sit down.

'Even if you don't, your body needs something'

You buy an apple and a water.

You eat and feel content.

Your friends look at you weirdly,

You shrug.

'It's filling', you smile.

Your brain has convinced your body but your friends aren't.

You spend the rest of the day in classes,

Listening, writing learning

Ignoring.

You get home,

You avoid the kitchen.

Shower and head to bed.

This is your routine, with the daily mix of a sugarless cup of brewed coffee or green tea for lunch.

Or intermittently eat dinner to not be too suspicious,

After which hating yourself for having so much.

Or a fruit salad and sugarless tea to stay up and study.

You eventually break this cycle and start eating at least twice per day.

You silence the voice of argue.

You break this habit after months of consolation.

One evening after a long day on the road, you feel for a treat.

You get a scoop of coconut ice-cream and mixed nuts.

You walk past a relative, cup in hand.

"I knew you couldn't stay away for too long", they smile as you burrow your eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean by that."

"You had to have something when you got in. I knew you would."

You, stare as you understand what is being implied.

Gluttony.

You try again.

"What are you implying?"

Their eyes slowly scan your body from head to toe, then shrug.

"Well. You know what I mean."

You stare into their condescending smile.

You glance down into your cup, appetite gone and a feeling of distaste envelopes you.

The voice whispers after a long spell of silence.

'She thinks you eat too much and you're fat.'

You stare at the cup, returned to the kitchen and place it in the freezer.

You past the same relative, again.

"Where's your snack? You finished already?"

"No its in the kitchen"

You hear the thoughts of old habits circulate around you like a chorus.

You hate it, yet welcome it.

You recall your days of consolation.

'You deserve to have what you want. You are not harming yourself or others'

'Not yet'

You struggle as you return to the kitchen, determined to have your treat.

'Just this once'

'No'

'Yes'

You take the first teaspoon full, hands shaking in resistance.

You place it in your mouth, tempted to spit it out.

Your jaw goes slack in rebellion.

You force yourself to swallow as your favourite ice-cream tastes like nothing.

You feel ashamed of your BD,

You have the rest to feel stronger, in control.

Deserving.

You grimace at the cup,

Washing it quickly as if to get the evidence away from your sight.

You feel ashamed to eat the known fatty food, though you know the brand was low in sugar if not sugarless.

But it was still ic-cream, a product known to fatten.

A product with which you share a dysfunctional relationship,

much like its dairy counterparts.

You force yourself to accept it.

You know you should.

But not tonight,

Not when that unexpected conversation kept playing in your head,

as well as the knowing look you got.

The same you get, feel or see others give you or anyone like you.

Thought you knew it was the opposite.

Your size defines you to others, as well as your prescribed behaviours.

They assume and past judgement.

They comment without a care,

You build a thick wall but a small crack still brings acute pain,

a crack that can enlarge. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorders affect a large spectrum of individuals,

the ones that seem OK, are usually the ones that aren't.

Be careful of what you say to others.

You may never know what they are fighting against.