its as if it calls for me

like it asks me to come

jump

be a part of me

but such beauty must never be disrupted by such madness

for i am not a monster

for i could never 

buried in snow is my heart

my feelings for you

my love for you

may i bury it until it no longer affects the way i look at you every day

may i bury it until it no longer affects me.

it hurts

the way the emotion piles up in messy clumps

like a dam

constricting waves to enter new realms

to move, to flow

the way intended

for once id like to show

how i really feel

but after years of constricting

the waves have become timorous

body

soul

pleasures of heaven

new

of the woman

and of the man

more tender

nourishing

voluptuous

tinged with blue

shine of gray

brighter 

clearer

my lover comes

one

wife

cut

hanging down

standing alone

inquired

answered

gone

and glad

A wheelbarrow,

Standing beside the clucking white chickens

Wheels sinking in the slightly damp soil

But do the chickens bring any company?

For the wheelbarrow carries such a heavy weight

And so much is depended upon it

The burdens of love and loss.

Then there is the rain

Which glazes it’s shiny red coat

And fills the empty space with fallen water

Excluding all other objects

And all other thoughts

But wait

The sun

For it has appeared once more!

And we hope for our period of burden

To be ceased

To be freed

From its shiny red shackles

The chickens cluck in rejoice!

The rain drips away!

But the wheelbarrow…

It stays, unmoving, emotionless

As if it is waiting

As if it wishes not to jinx it

As we have all done once before

As we do with no real end

i

The end is upon us

This is fact

Our hope is lost

This is opinion

This is option

ii

I live on the edge

Of a very tall cliff

Seems endless some days

Seems glorious

But you are the ocean

The one unknown

Down at the bottom

There to catch me

iii

Dark

Shackled

Cold

Yet you were supposed to be

My light

My freedom

My warmth

I suppose only I can be my own savior

iv

Hands touching hands

Lips touching lips

Fingers wildly roam

Pang of fear, quick

Moments of pleasure, quicker, it seems

Feelings of ecstasy and the ache for more

What else is needed?

What else matters?

v

Fizzled out spark

Dying flames

We get lost in the familiarity

The comfort

Our comfort of old

Begins to imprison us

vi

You dug your own hole of despair

Hid the shovel

And cried for help

You wish to be a damsel?

I am not your knight.

vii

There aren’t a million fish

In any pond or lake

viii

You only need someone else’s air

When you allow your thoughts

To pollute your own

ix

In a sea of deep blue

Alone

But not lonely

Your strength resonates its most

The longer you’re there

x

A single flame

In a darkened room

Means more

When you keep the lights

Off

xi

the fall isn’t what kills you

it’s the sudden stop

xii

Pills

Drinks

Puffs of smoke

All can kill

Love

Adoration

Expectation of such emotion

Can kill as well

xiii

A rainbow of meaning

A spectrum of truths

An array of lies

The complexity

And the simultaneous universal understanding

This is love.

Behold!

A cluster of souls

And untold stories

Pain spilling like ink

Chaotic crying

Where has the order gone?

Was it ever here?

Whither my children!

Scream

For your voices aren't heard

Nor your stories or sobs

Whither away like roses in winter

Let your color fade

Lat your souls fade

But never your pain.

death

/deTH/

noun

the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism.

synonyms:

demise, dying, end, passing, loss of life …

Everyone has a different opinion, but regardless on our take on such a seemingly daunting matter, each of us will one day have to face the figure under the dark hood. For some, hell, for many this concept frightens them. The fact that we will all one day leave everything we have ever known behind to face a strange and nameless future. Maybe this is the reason for religion. For faith.

~

faith

/fāTH/

noun

1.

complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

synonyms:

trust, belief, confidence, conviction …

2.

strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

synonyms:

religion, church, sect, denomination, belief, ideology …

Maybe because of the overwhelming feeling of fear some become ensnared in when thinking of their mortality, they choose to believe. The understand that death is inescapable and instead of leaving everything else to unknown power, they believe with the intent to preserve their souls. They believe to ensure that their death is followed by the peace they experienced in the mortal world. A utopia. A heaven.

~

heav·en

/ˈhevən/

noun

a place regarded in various religions as the abode of God (or the gods) and the angels, and of the good after death, often traditionally depicted as being above the sky.

synonyms:

paradise, nirvana, Zion …

informal

a place, state, or experience of supreme bliss.

synonyms:

bliss, ecstasy, rapture, contentment, happiness, delight…

Though only depicted in text, people strive for a heaven. For a place where they can exist joyously as a gift for their good behavior during their life. Heaven, for some, is the only reason that people need to believe. The guarantee that your afterlife will be as fulfilling or even more than your time on earth is enticing. The guarantee that you will be saved from an eternity of suffering convinces people to believe. There is power in the promise of being saved from such terrors. From such infernos. From such hell.

~

hell

/hel/

noun

a place regarded in various religions as a spiritual realm of evil and suffering, often traditionally depicted as a place of perpetual fire beneath the earth where the wicked are punished after death.

synonyms:

the netherworld, the Inferno, the infernal regions, the abyss…

Just as heaven is yearned for without any real knowledge of its features, the same goes for hell, but it is not adored, it is feared. Hell is where the rotten go to whither with no real end. A suffering with no solution. It is said that if you believe, you will not have to deal with such a horrid thing. But others, ones who don’t believe as easy make the argument that it doesn’t matter, for life on earth is hell all on its own. Wars in every continent, riots in the streets, fires burning into the night. There has not been an end, has there? And can we really recall the beginning of it all? Earth is it’s own sort of hell. So why work so hard just to guarantee something that may or may not be true. For all we know, afterlife is a white nothingness. For all we know it is bleak and bland. It is void.

~

void

/void/

noun

a completely empty space.

synonyms:

vacuum, emptiness, nothingness, nullity, blankness, vacuity…

A fear greater than any hell or heaven is a fear of nothingness. Empty. The fear that no matter how you lived your life, nothing will have ever mattered. The fear that the game was rigged before you even started playing. The underlying fear that such a horrid existence even occurs, a fear in which we attempt to swallow down and ignore. Even in hell you can feel something. Even if it is immense pain, it is there. It is at your side. It reminds you every day that you, or some part of you, exists. But in a vast desert of empty, how do you know for sure? When nothing ever changes except your sanity, how can you be sure that you exist? How can you be sure that you ever did? Because of this underlying fear, some people choose and alternate route. No real beliefs, no surreal fear of death or afterlife. But a route of right now. A route of living and being alive. A simple route of life itself.

~

life

/līf/

noun

1.

the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

synonyms:

existence, being, living, animation…

2.

the existence of an individual human being or animal.

synonyms:

person, human being, individual, soul…

Everyone has a different opinion. But no matter what we think, no matter whether any of us wished to be alive or not, we are here. All of us coexist on this tiny planet together. That is the now. And while many of us have come and gone on to a separate existence, we are still here, and we have no other choice but to wake up every morning and do something with ourselves. This is life. This is our life. And while we could spend the majority of our time looking backwards or looking forwards, we could also spend our time looking right here at the beauty in front of us, for it is fleeting faster than any of our souls ever could or ever will. And if we miss it, we will regret until our days of demise. Our days of death.

So, let’s not miss it.