ways i lie to myself

by pretending I am more than I let on,

to like myself more,

to be able to forgive my weaknesses;

by pretending I am normal;

by pretending I am special;

sometimes there is pain, too much of it.

                sometimes I numb the pain.

                sometimes I worsen it,

                sometimes forget about it.

I smile a lot, even when I don’t feel like it;

by forgetting to cry;

by allowing myself to feel good enough;

by thinking I’m worthy;

by telling others I love them,

                when I am not brave enough,

                caring enough,

                too self-absorbed, to love.

by thinking that I will ever change;

by thinking that I will never change;

by giving up on myself;

by still hoping.

because I cannot lie to myself.

because I do not even know who I am.

because I’m trying

                 to become myself

                 and to get away from myself,

                 always at the same time.