loud music, karaoke,

barbecue on the balcony,

smirnoffs and local beers,

zoom in on me holding

the mic, trying to have

a good time.

watch as everyone

loses themselves or falls

apart, some into laughter,

others into tears. it's time

to leave and i'm wondering

why do boys only call me

pretty when they're drunk?

they wrap their arms around

me and whisper in my ear,

tell me i'm special when

i've never felt less. it's hard

to be believable with alcohol

on your breath. so i just fall

into bed, more alone than

exhausted.

This year:

(for those with brave hearts)

I hope you find the strength to make your choices and fight for the life that you want.

I hope you look up from all your hard work and realize how much you've grown.

I hope you find yourself saved sometimes.

I hope you find time to get lost, in your head, in the wilderness, to explore forests, and gaze into rivers.

I hope you find your best self looking back at you. I hope you know you're always growing.

I hope you feel challenged.

I hope you never stop believing in the view from the top of the mountain.

I hope you get there. I hope you find it was worth it.

(for the softhearted)

I hope you find more time to laugh.

With your friends, at yourself, or at the world for ever thinking it could hurt you.

I hope you can take the pain and say "thank you."

i hope you realize it has only made you all the more good, all the more beautiful.

I hope you start looking less at the mirror, start believing more in who you are in other people's eyes, what you know you are in your heart.

I hope life gets sweeter, hope you wake up with your head in the clouds, your soul flying.

I hope you finally find what you're looking for.

I hope you find yourself smiling.

(for those with big hearts)

i hope you realize how important you are, how you make people feel appreciated and loved.

i hope you realize that the world wouldn't be the same if you weren't trying so hard to make it a better place.

i hope the world tucks you into bed, proud of its little soldier.

i hope you appreciate yourself for your efforts.

i hope you never get tired of being a champion of the things people say no longer exist - so much kindness, goodness, love, peace.

i hope that you find fulfillment in the little things because sometimes, that's all we get.

little things like knowing you made someone smile, or that the people you love are doing fine, doing better.

i hope you realize that's all you need.

i hope your heart is proud of itself.

i hope the love that burns in you always keeps you warm.

(for the fainthearted)

I hope you realize there's so much more to your life than you thought there was.

I hope you find moments that make your breath catch, a million things to marvel at.

I hope life surprises you. I hope you surprise yourself.

I hope you find your horizons expanding, and see that it's not as bad as you thought.

I hope your dreams take you places; I hope you travel paths that you never knew existed, but where you feel you belong.

I hope you discover your longings, what your heart would sing for, what you didn't know you wanted all along.

I hope you get up and chase it.

the moon’s a cradle

for lonely souls. gracious night,

slightly cold. the stars

are hung for all the children

who need to find a way home.

all i know of debt

is that my sins have

been paid for

and guilt

is a heavy burden

when i look

at my empty hands,

i do not know

what to give back

when i look

at the world, i marvel

at the magnitude

of what i owe

so much so

that i kneel

before you

and forget

how to stand

you make me wish 

i weren't this sad, 

this empty. 

you make me feel 

like i could have loved, 

i could have laughed, 

i could have smiled 

like you in the sunshine.

you make me wish 

i weren't made 

of pastel browns 

and muted blues. 

so i could 

fit into your 

technicolor life 

with you. 

you make me believe 

i can step into your world 

when you take my hand. 

you make me 

forget my chains. 

but i'm tied up anyway.

i'd drive you wherever you want to go, take you out to see sunsets on the open road. bring along your favorite blanket, wrap you in it. start the car and keep going until the gas runs out. 

glance over at you, with the wind blowing your hair in your face. my heart skips beats and starts to dance. you look so beautiful and calm. my soul has always ached for yours. 

we're stuck at the side of the road, and you laugh, and it's like the first time i've ever heard that. you step out with your bare shoulders and feet, pull me out from the driver's side, and onto the hood of the car. 

we sit there comfortably, looking up at the stars. you rest your head against my chest; our bodies are close and i can feel you breathing. i remember the first time we ever dreamed together, how eventually we realized what we wanted was each other. 

i let you rest against me like that, thinking you're like one of those precious stars, twinkling above us. i saw how you shined and i swore i'd always protect that light; your bright, iridescent soul.

i think it would feel like 

being angels, like everyone 

always smiling when they see you.

drama, a lot of drama. 

it actually feels like being the devil. 

like everyone hurting because of you. 

breaking boys’ hearts without meaning to. 

it’s not our fault; we can’t love everybody.

i think being pretty 

would mean a lot less hurting. 

laughing without worrying you look stupid. 

enjoying people’s eyes on you, 

rather than shying away 

from any gaze.

and i don’t even like who i am. 

i’m tired of seeing my face in the mirror, 

wondering if i’m as good as anybody says. 

or if i’ll ever live up to the package. 

wondering what people see; 

they’re always looking at me.

i think being pretty 

would mean waking up happy, 

thinking the day would bring good things. 

always having an easy time shopping.

i’m tired. it always feels like everyone’s 

expecting something from you. 

to look good, to be good. 

i just want room 

to be myself. everyone knows 

bright lights can be unflattering. 

for once, i would like to be neglected.

i would like to be pretty like other girls.

i want to be special.

they don’t know what they’re asking for.

no one knows what it’s like.

i want to be happy.

i just want to be.

it's december and i just really hope you're happy. let yourself be. face the world with honesty and a simple, open heart. if you can, accept that the world has hurt you. but know that it has also been good to you.

gaze at the vivid colors of the christmas lights, bask in their glow for a little while. know that it reflects parts of your soul. the lights blink and shine, get dimmer and brighter. so you have felt sometimes. look around and see how everything is tinged with warmth and love. know that your heart would light up the whole world if you let it, and your soul burns warm enough to make other people feel at home, like your love is a shelter.

there is so much to come to terms with. change, who you've become, what you've lost, what you have yet to gain, hope, all the elusive promises and inevitable failures the future will bring. know in your heart that all of that is okay. you are going to find your way. you're brave. a new year approaches. with every sunset, you will have grown. with every sunrise you will only become more yourself.

while the snowflakes fall, know that you also are like no other. and yet as people pass you by, know that there are things that tie you together. you are capable of so much goodness and worthy of love. you always have been and will be, no matter what has happened in your life. if you look out for one another, you will never feel alone.

remember that this season. all the festivities, the trees, the singing, the lights, the food—whatever the reasons people might have for these, they're all celebrating the same thing. all of us being here. everything that's happened. hoping for everything we still want to happen. searching for some form of comfort.

so here, in the middle of everything, surrounded by lights, music, and people laughing, let your soul be calm. let it feel peace. let your heart hope as much as it wants. whatever your feelings are, accept them. cry if you must, but allow yourself to have some sort of happiness, to have some sort of celebration. let thanks echo in your heart. maybe you'll realize that you mean it.

"I will do my best to give thanks for gifts, strangely, beautifully, painfully wrapped."

—Rebecca Wells, "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"

re: the yearning to touch other souls

re: the impossibility of knowing, comprehending

re: the insatiable desire

re: the constant wondering

i'm tired of looking into myself, tired of being so self-absorbed. i would like to reach out to other people. how frightening and how awe-inspiring it would be if it were as easy to touch someone's soul as it would be to touch their skin. that if i reached out to someone i would be guaranteed to get through to them.

i'm curious about the battles we fight. i want to be able to appreciate the heroism that often goes unrecognized. i want to see how we're similar and how we're different. i want to know i'm not alone, and for you to realize the same thing.

i'm so curious about the ways you survive. your strength. whether you feel pain, what kind, and what you do when it eats at you. i want to know what you're like when you love, whether you try to hide it, or it's one of the few things you're proud of. whether love has ever hurt you, and why you still believe in it anyway, or not.

i would like to know whether any parts of you were ever broken, and if now you're afraid to put pressure on them. i want to know how many times your life has changed. whether you're looking for something. whether you feel complete. what happiness means to you. what your life means to you. what you want to happen tomorrow.

people are infinitely interesting, intriguing, complex. all equally worthy and admirable. i glimpse people on the sidewalk, find myself surrounded by so many of them every day, and read their thoughts on social media, all the while aware of the vague ache that i will spend my whole life not knowing.

on the bad days, it's not a silent plea, but a powerful longing. an urge taking over my soul, my body; a button pressed so all the fight will come out of me. nothing left but the desire to give in. to collapse under pressure, to surrender to the weight of everything. to abandon the act of trying. we want to have no more worries, we want to cry no more tears. we ask to be asked for nothing further.

on the worst days, i feel i will make the decision myself. i imagine the drop, the fall from a building, the slice of the knife, the rush of the blood. how the consciousness leaves. things i will never know unless i try. things that on any other day, i would never contemplate. how painful the letting go, how quick the forgetting.

sometimes sadness is neither fullness nor emptiness. sometimes it hurts, like a monster clawing at you, turns you inside out. it gives way to despair, explodes into something else entirely.

sometimes your whole soul is an open wound. raw, and red, and bleeding. this is how we forget the good days. sometimes all you are aware of is how painful it is to breathe.