Sometimes you're just not what somebody needs. That doesn't mean you're not important, or that you're not great. There's plenty of other people for whom having you in their lives feels like waking up to sunshine. Don't forget that someone's really grateful for you. You can choose who to spend your efforts on, but at the end of the day, I hope the people you try to make happy make you happy too. 

i wish i had someone i could just chill with whenever, like hanging out in each other's rooms, laying in bed just staring at the ceiling, going out for walks just to be underneath the sky. i want to feel someone's presence, being by myself is getting boring.

but i want it to be a really comfortable kind of companionship, the kind where you can hang out with each other in your pajamas early in the morning, talk before bed even if it's about nothing, look at the stars sometimes and feel small together. someone who wouldn't mind how lazy i am to get out of bed or fix my hair, someone who feels the same maybe.

someone who's just as confused about everything, but finds some solace with me. idk i've never had that kind of friendship, except when i was a kid i guess, playing games all the time and not realizing how precious that time was. i miss hanging out with people i don't need to get dressed up for.

it's kinda sad that none of my friends live close. the days go by so fast, blur into one another, and we're spending them alone. i want someone with whom to share the small moments, someone to just exist together with. having company would keep me from getting stuck in my head. life is starting to feel a little unreal.

cc: to whom it may concern

re: if you're sad

I promise somebody wants to see you smile.

I want to crawl inside your ribcage, throw away everything you no longer need. All the frustration, disappointment, anger that's smothering your lungs. I can hear the desire of your heart to fall apart.

I want to help you breathe easier. I want to see you cry less.

I want to hear your voice not shake for once. I want to see you get better, for your sake. I'll be here by your side anyway.

we just have to get through the hard days.

it's not always rainfall, gray clouds, and gloom. there's also rainbows and forests and laughing with friends. some free time to be who we want and do what we want. and there's always time to love, ourselves and others.

there are nights with pretty skies that you don't have to spend inside researching for your papers. you're going to get through the schoolwork. you're still going to be alive every second, to look at flowers and breathe in the smell of the earth.

the sunset doesn't know it's beautiful, and saying goodbye to the world probably hurts. but it is beautiful and you just don't see your own transformation until it's done. i promise we're going to get somewhere. i promise you're going to be able to smile. ✨

please know that you are worth something, even if it's small, even it feels insignificant. have at least that much faith in yourself. appreciate who you are; it doesn't matter if there are people who seem better. your contribution is unique from theirs. it's hardest for us to see our own worth. you don't see how you look to others. you never see yourself as you actually you are. you live inside your body with its faint pulse like the light of a star, illuminating you from the inside. only you don't see the light; you wonder why it feels like you're burning up, sometimes. you watch other people shine.

You made it through all those nights that seemed impossible. You've been happier than you thought life would allow.

It's impossible for me not to believe that I am loved by something greater than myself when there is so much good that has happened in my life.

It's in how I always end up taken care of, when I feel worn down to my bones. It's because the sun always rises. It's because the tears dry.

The truth is that I am not alone. I know it but my heart will doubt time and time again, when there's no one that my eyes can see, nothing to hold, and nobody holding me. It remains true nonetheless.

I always end up laughing again. Give it time and smiling comes easy. The sky lights up just for me, in rainbows and with stars. I know I am small but because I am loved I am special.

We all are.

it's strange how a lot of prayers i've had for a long time are getting answered, and then i wonder why i ever prayed for them. my life is better, but i feel like i still don't have what i need. so fickle, so insatiable. how can we be made happy, except when we choose to be, when we decide that we are? there is no such thing as enough if we don't decide to be content somewhere.

as a 4th grader i remember staring at myself in the mirror and promising god that if he gave me nice hair, i would be happy. i remember thinking that if i were pretty or if someone loved me i might never have to cry again, i might live a fairytale, might have everything i wanted. well, that was dumb. i feel stupid to have asked for those things, but it was what i wanted. they're right when they say what we want's not necessarily what we need or what's best for us.

still, i'm beyond grateful to be where i am now. surrounded by people who see me the way i want to be seen, even if i don't see myself that way sometimes. i care about myself now though, and i know people care about me too. i know that i'm in a much better place and life has been so kind to me. i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. i'm guilty that i'm not entirely happy, disappointed that my life's not perfect,  but i'm hopeful and grateful.

so much has changed and so much is changing. i have so many more days to live, so much warmth to feel, sunsets to see. everything i've experienced, the painful parts and the painfully good parts, has made my life that much fuller. and when i wake up in the morning, the days are made more beautiful by everything that came before. i think i'm starting to realize and really believe that wherever i am is where i'm supposed to be. then i can truly be happy.

I'm such a lucky girl to know the people i have as friends! i'm so lucky that i get through things i would have given up on. made it through so many bad days and the sun's always shining; the sky's always pretty; someone is happy and laughing somewhere.

and on another day that someone is gonna be you or me or both of us. because life is full of spectacular things and so are you. like a treasure trove of sweetness, goodness, truth. we are never as empty as we feel. even sadness is a kind of fullness, an opening of ourselves to the world; the expanse of the universe rushing in, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes uplifting.

life carries us in waves sometimes. but there's beauty under and above the water. i don't know how not to rejoice. i want to never again forget to be grateful. i'm so lucky, with my braces and my skin, someone never forgets to remind me that he loves me. i have good meals even if i regret eating them. i have things i never needed to ask for. i wake up to new surprises. i wake up sad sometimes and come home almost crying, awed, wondering how i could have ever quietly wished to die.

on the bad days, it's not a silent plea, but a powerful longing. an urge taking over my soul, my body; a button pressed so all the fight will come out of me. nothing left but the desire to give in. to collapse under pressure, to surrender to the weight of everything. to abandon the act of trying. we want to have no more worries, we want to cry no more tears. we ask to be asked for nothing further.

on the worst days, i feel i will make the decision myself. i imagine the drop, the fall from a building, the slice of the knife, the rush of the blood. how the consciousness leaves. things i will never know unless i try. things that on any other day, i would never contemplate. how painful the letting go, how quick the forgetting.

sometimes sadness is neither fullness nor emptiness. sometimes it hurts, like a monster clawing at you, turns you inside out. it gives way to despair, explodes into something else entirely.

sometimes your whole soul is an open wound. raw, and red, and bleeding. this is how we forget the good days. sometimes all you are aware of is how painful it is to breathe.

re: the yearning to touch other souls

re: the impossibility of knowing, comprehending

re: the insatiable desire

re: the constant wondering

i'm tired of looking into myself, tired of being so self-absorbed. i would like to reach out to other people. how frightening and how awe-inspiring it would be if it were as easy to touch someone's soul as it would be to touch their skin. that if i reached out to someone i would be guaranteed to get through to them.

i'm curious about the battles we fight. i want to be able to appreciate the heroism that often goes unrecognized. i want to see how we're similar and how we're different. i want to know i'm not alone, and for you to realize the same thing.

i'm so curious about the ways you survive. your strength. whether you feel pain, what kind, and what you do when it eats at you. i want to know what you're like when you love, whether you try to hide it, or it's one of the few things you're proud of. whether love has ever hurt you, and why you still believe in it anyway, or not.

i would like to know whether any parts of you were ever broken, and if now you're afraid to put pressure on them. i want to know how many times your life has changed. whether you're looking for something. whether you feel complete. what happiness means to you. what your life means to you. what you want to happen tomorrow.

people are infinitely interesting, intriguing, complex. all equally worthy and admirable. i glimpse people on the sidewalk, find myself surrounded by so many of them every day, and read their thoughts on social media, all the while aware of the vague ache that i will spend my whole life not knowing.