october 8

it's strange how a lot of prayers i've had for a long time are getting answered, and then i wonder why i ever prayed for them. my life is better, but i feel like i still don't have what i need. so fickle, so insatiable. how can we be made happy, except when we choose to be, when we decide that we are? there is no such thing as enough if we don't decide to be content somewhere.

as a 4th grader i remember staring at myself in the mirror and promising god that if he gave me nice hair, i would be happy. i remember thinking that if i were pretty or if someone loved me i might never have to cry again, i might live a fairytale, might have everything i wanted. well, that was dumb. i feel stupid to have asked for those things, but it was what i wanted. they're right when they say what we want's not necessarily what we need or what's best for us.

still, i'm beyond grateful to be where i am now. surrounded by people who see me the way i want to be seen, even if i don't see myself that way sometimes. i care about myself now though, and i know people care about me too. i know that i'm in a much better place and life has been so kind to me. i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. i'm guilty that i'm not entirely happy, disappointed that my life's not perfect,  but i'm hopeful and grateful.

so much has changed and so much is changing. i have so many more days to live, so much warmth to feel, sunsets to see. everything i've experienced, the painful parts and the painfully good parts, has made my life that much fuller. and when i wake up in the morning, the days are made more beautiful by everything that came before. i think i'm starting to realize and really believe that wherever i am is where i'm supposed to be. then i can truly be happy.