Neutral

he told me you

felt a tad bit

neutral

when I said hey

like the other day

I realized how we went

from those long, meaningful hugs

to these worthless handshakes

and half-hearted greetings.

I didn't realize it at first

but now it all makes sense

I did something for myself

and I lost a close friend

this fucking guilt eats me up

maybe that's why all I do

is hate myself

and care more about others

and by not doing that

just this once,

I lost your embrace

your gay jokes

your playful poking

your cute laugh

I still hear it,

I'm just never the reason for it

your ass-smacking

which you'd do

just to see that face I make

when I'm uncomfortable

and then you'd laugh with me

now I can see your eyes

almost sigh when they meet mine

as if I'm the reason for the loss

of their glow

maybe I am

and from this point on

never am I doing something

for myself

because instead of gaining something

I lost a piece of myself