so cliche isn't it?

I remember myself gagging

when I'd hear about these stories

but now I found myself a victim

of this type of love

there was no chance

in a million years

of me having you

by my side

as my lover

your cute giggles

your rants

your short temper

your accent

your flaws

your hair

your passion-lit eyes

your caring nature

your empathy

all of the above

are the reasons I love

your existence

and hey

even if it is forbidden love

I'm so glad

I can call you my best friend

he told me you

felt a tad bit

neutral

when I said hey

like the other day

I realized how we went

from those long, meaningful hugs

to these worthless handshakes

and half-hearted greetings.

I didn't realize it at first

but now it all makes sense

I did something for myself

and I lost a close friend

this fucking guilt eats me up

maybe that's why all I do

is hate myself

and care more about others

and by not doing that

just this once,

I lost your embrace

your gay jokes

your playful poking

your cute laugh

I still hear it,

I'm just never the reason for it

your ass-smacking

which you'd do

just to see that face I make

when I'm uncomfortable

and then you'd laugh with me

now I can see your eyes

almost sigh when they meet mine

as if I'm the reason for the loss

of their glow

maybe I am

and from this point on

never am I doing something

for myself

because instead of gaining something

I lost a piece of myself

I wrote about thirty pages

they were long, took me ages

I decided to leave some messages

which people I loved could read

when I was no longer here

when I reached the fourth person

who I had cared about enough to address

I realized; and it hit me so hard

I didn't want them to know

I didn't want them to know

what kept me up at night

I didn't want them to know

about my mental state

I didn't want them to know

how I felt about them

I didn't want them to know

what my favorite thing

about them was

I didn't want them to know

I would give up my life for them

because;

the people who really matter

and really care about me

have shown understanding

of some level

on all the above

even if all of them didn't

the complexity of my very being

was scattered in the knowledge

preserved by those who cared

it would be very unsettling to think

that someone knew everything

everything

there is to know about me

no

I much rather prefer

the idea that when I die

and my name is mentioned

by chance in a conversation

no one would know everything

I want to be a jigsaw puzzle

that no one has all the pieces to

I want to be a puzzle

who's pieces are preserved

and held on dearly by some

and no I don't necessarily want

to be solved

but if someone ever does bother

they'd learn new things about me

everyday

from every person

and realize that I

was a mystery

what scares me the most is

people don't realise they're healing

and they unconsciously prevent it

making it even worse for themselves

like yesterday I looked at my thumb

and saw some skin growing there

I was naturally disgusted by it

and was about to remove it when I realized

this was the skin I unintentionally picked on

when I undergo a stressful situation

so you can imagine it's always damaged

but now I looked at it and understood

you might be the ugliest when you start healing

you may even gag looking at the person in the mirror

but when it's over, god when it's over

you'll be even more beautiful and realise;

it was worth the wait

I had this problem

where I felt everything

when I was supposed to feel nothing

and where I felt nothing

when I was supposed to feel something

when the sun comes out, I'm a happy, affable and tolerant person

but when the sun goes down, so do I

irked by everything, crying at the littlest things

or staring at a blank wall for hours on end

3-4 hours is all I'm getting nowadays

when people ask me why I stayed up so late?

I tell them I was watching a movie or a tv show, lying

it's easier than telling them I spent the whole night crying

'remember, I promised you that I'd do anything to protect you?' said he.

'yes, my love,' said she.

'and I swore, no matter what the consequences, I'd never let you get in harm's way?' said he.

'yes, my love,' said she.

'I've packed my bags, I'm moving out,' said he.

'but why, if you love me?' said she.

'because I'm bound to cause you pain, and I'd never break my promise. love is selflessness. I'd love to see you happy without me than sad with me,' said he.

'I love you.' said he.

'now I'm wishing you didn't,' whispered she.

so many

bewildered souls

complain about having lost the way

while I'm sitting here

wondering how I lost

myself

maturity

is just

the death

of childhood

& all its joys

its a new kind of vulnerability

//it hurts to see what you're going through, love//

What is beauty?

what is being beautiful?

can it be defined?

I'll give it a shot

being beautiful is when

you look at your life

in a beautiful way;

optimism

being beautiful is when

you're not afraid to stand

for what you believe in;

bravery

being beautiful is when

you care for others

and find happiness in that;

philanthropy

because I have an aunt

she has unstable vision;

constricted mobility;

immunity problems;

cancer;

weak ears;

one breast;

no hair;

and I can say this with my utmost knowledge

that she was the most beautiful person I knew

//it really hurt changing the words from 'is' to 'was' and 'know' to 'knew'//

exhausted

sad; alone

never knew someone else's health

could have this effect on my own

crying, really don't know

notice a Marlboro

take it out, get matches

5 A.M breeze on the balcony

hair flying, body numb

quickly light it, taste it

burning sensations

doesn't feel intoxicating

just charcoals in my mouth

try to puff; start to cough

it tastes horrible

run back to my room

call up the guy

who smoked

but left it for me

trying to calm me

I'm here for you, he said

don't worry, he said

it's alright

don't do it again, he said

still tasting the horrid taste

that lingered onto my taste buds

and filled up my throat and lungs

hating it; how do people like it

but standing there Ii realize

that the guy I'm falling for

has the most bitter taste ever

on those irresistible, addicting lips