My Bipolar Friend

Sometimes I envision my own death.

Is it selfish of me to leave?

Or is it selfish to force me to stay?

Is there a right or wrong?

Is there a good or bad?

Heaven is much too far & hell is much too close.

If I jump, I can finally fly.

If I overdose, I can finally sleep.

If I cut, I can finally free this raging river.

But who would find me?

Who would I scar?

Who would I break?

My legacy would be nothing but guilt, confusion, & if only's.

They would forever wonder, forever blame, & forever regret.

"She suffered in silence."

I do.

"She said she was ok."

I'm not.

"She lied."

I have.

I suffer in silence because my pain isn't as tragic as everyone else's.

I say I'm ok because there are no words to describe how I feel.

I lie because if they really knew what was inside my head, it would devastate them.

This is my disorder.

This my chaos.

And yet without it, I have no idea who I would be.

I want to feel better, but I don't want to let go.

I am my disorder.

I am my chaos.

My bipolar friend, don't abandon me now.

What is a life without highs & lows?

We've lived together for so long that I don't know what I would do without you.

I need you even though you use me.

I love you even though you abuse me.

Sometimes I win the battle & other times you come out the victor.

During the day, you keep me wrapped warm in sheets.

And at night, you kiss me with creativity.

I'm both drawn to you & terrified of you.

One day, I might lose the will, the hope, the strength.

One day, I might give in & give up.

Sometimes I envision my own death, but on this very day, I am fighting.

I am punching you back.

I am pushing you down.

I am surviving.

We are surviving.

My bipolar friend, I need you to trust me.

I need you to work with me, not against me, please.

We could live in harmony & peace as one.

I promise you that one day we will discover the correct cocktail.

I promise you that our therapy is not a waste of time.

You don't have to destroy me to end this ache.

We can heal these wounds... together.