See You Again: First and Last.

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette, please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."