I keep going over how much it hurt me.

But I can only imagine how she felt.

She was the real one.

She had an actual relationship.

She was the one who could really call you hers.

And I was nothing.

I refuse to acknowledge or pay mind to the emotions my heart still has for you.

Emotions that are demanding to be felt.

Each hour...minute...second of every day.

I can’t admit to them.

I won’t let myself.

Everything in my life is progressing for the better.

So no, I won't accept how much I miss you.

That will put me 100,000 steps back.

I need to be better than I used to be.

3 years.

7 months ago.

One text message.

An indescribable pain. One that is not physical or visible but very much there.

A heartbreak that broke all of me.

In that very moment I’d wished you gone.

Gone from my memories, my heart, my head, my life.

If I’d known you would’ve one day become my best friend and then years later take everything and trash it like it was nothing I would have saved us both the time and emotions.

If I’d known so many things life would be different.

After everything I don’t care if I’d known because it already happened.

Can’t change that.

When you fall for a friend, you don’t see it coming.

When you fall for a friend, it hits so unexpectedly that you don’t believe it.

When you fall for a friend, you’ll try to suppress what it is becoming.

When you fall for a friend, feelings get hard to admit.

When you fall for a friend, the feelings are a jumbled up mess.

When you fall for a friend, they’re no longer “just” a friend.

When you fall for a friend, things become more complicated.

When you fall for a friend, ignore the doubt.

When you fall for a friend, things also become clearer.

When you fall for a friend, you’ll see the goodness in everything.

When you fall for a friend, goodbye goes the serenity when you’re around them.

When you fall for a friend, prepare for a butterfly attack in your stomach.

When you fall for a friend, expect to feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest.

When you fall for a friend, smiles become a permanent facial expression.

When you fall for a friend, embrace those feelings.

When you fall for a friend, don’t deny the emotions.

When you fall for a friend, try not to worry.

When you fall for a friend, enjoy the moment.

When you fall for a friend, get out of your head.

When you fall for a friend, just let yourself fall.

I woke up to a text from him. You can only imagine the bubble of happiness that grew at the thought of being the first thing he thought about this morning. But almost immediately it began to deflate as I read the first line.

We may not do the things that we did.

What is he talking about?

We may not have had a title, but I'm glad that we can still be friends. 

This title thing is too complicated...I know that we're friends. Well, we're pretty much in the friend category. Although some people might say otherwise.

I hope you do meet someone that’s like me. No, someone who's better than me. Someone to have a title with. I want you to be happy and I know that if you keep talking to me that you won't. I'm glad I met you. 

Please don't...this can't be...

You made my summer good. I hope this counts as your last letter from me.

Don't say that. This isn't...this can't be your last letter.

I still have the watch, the pillow pet, and the bracelet..will try to keep those forever if I can. I just want you to be happy.

I am happy, with you in my life.

I know this isn't the normal tough guy Jay, but I do have a soft spot for you and I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not going to lie, when you told me that we had to stop doing whatever we had going it hurt...it hurt really hard....the only reason I didn't want to have a title was because of the distance between us. 

I took it back though. I realized that I need you in my life, no matter what. Title or no title you're my best friend.

You need someone close who will act silly with you and occasionally get into fights with you just so y'all can have something to laugh about or someone that is willing to stay up till God knows on the phone with you or until someone falls asleep. You need someone who is better than me! Never going to forget the first black girl to really get my heart. I love you so much but it's time that we ended this. Who knows maybe I'll see you in the future.

That's it...

I love him so much, I hate it

I can’t explain how I feel right now and I hate it

Like I want him to be happy

No matter where that happiness leads him

Whether that includes me or not

I hate that about myself sometimes

I can’t let myself be happy until I know all is well for everyone else around me

I keep my emotions and feelings at bay to keep from overwhelming him

I’ve heard so many say that he’s had more than enough time to make up his mind

For him to figure out what he wants, how he feels

And that I shouldn’t be waiting

But I'm not waiting

I’m well aware of what he wants and how he feels

I know him

I feel as if I know him better than he knows himself

He’s scared

Hell, I'm scared

But he’s scared of what will happen

To him, to us, our future if there is one for us

Things are kept casual but boundaries and limits are always overstepped

And I try

I try so hard not to let the happiness consume me

To let the joy give me false hope

I always have to remind myself

Reality.

Let him figure himself

I’m happy, we’re happy letting things happen as they do

But I'm scared

I’m scared that it will be like this forever

And then I'd realize when it’s too late that I did wait

My empathetic nature ruined my plan

In my heart and in my soul I knew he loved him

But he just wasn’t ready for true love

My words give me a voice.

An opportunity to say how I feel.

Express what I'm thinking.

Showcase what’s in my head.

Because I’m the quiet girl.

I’m the shy girl.

I’m the nice girl.

I don’t have a voice.

They don’t notice me.

No one will listen.

My words give me a voice.

I can be the angry girl.

I can be the confident girl.

I can me the loud girl.

My words give me a voice.

My words make me the girl who empowers the underdog.

My words make me the girl willing to fight for what is right.

My words make me the girl who will be the voice for voiceless and ignored.

I was terrified in the beginning

I couldn’t help it

I was never exposed to it

So when I began to feel it

And you began to show me

I panicked

I held it in

I tried to contain it

But you can’t do that with love

It demands to be felt

To be expressed

You can’t just lock it up

Because eventually it’ll be too much and it’ll consume you

The intensity of it surrounded us

We were in our own bubble of love

The outside world was nothing but distractions

Which is where we went wrong

We forgot about the fragility of a bubble

Bubbles pop

And when ours popped,

So did everything else.

Gone were the elated feelings

In place was the daunting, “what now”

I don’t want to give up

But I know I have to

There's no way to piece together a bubble

Love did this to us

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette, please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."

It’s a necklace.

A cross pendant.

The petite version of his.

He gave it to me to ensure our “goodbyes” remained “see you agains”

And no matter what, we’d keep it on everyday,

To symbolize the love we have for each other

No matter the distance...the situation, the necklace would express what we were feeling if we couldn't or weren't able to

Life is hectic

I've found comfort and security within a small silver chain that hangs around my neck

The lingering love cross pendant.

Just like the necklace, my love for him forever lingers.