Witchcraft, Potions and Totems

My heart skips a beat, then two and then three. When it picks up again its movements are rapid. I stare down at his name across the screen with what I am sure is a goofy grin plastered to my face. I just get lost when I think about him. I am gone until I can be found. My sister walks by and throws the fact that my phone is ringing over her shoulder. I watch to make sure she is gone before I answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey you,” I can hear the smile in his voice. The way he talks into the phone, nice and easy, always makes me feel as though he’s right here next to me. He is incredible at small talk. He remembers every tidbit of random information I have given him over text all week, up until today. He asks about everything one at a time, and I try to answer by giving him the short version. That’s not what he wants, though. He keeps asking follow up questions, until he’s gotten the whole drawn out shebang. Finally, I ask what has been going on with him. Not thinking for even one second, that I could ever wish I hadn’t.

It’s not that he says her name much, or that he has any reason not to. It is that I can see her and he cannot. Unfortunately her trespasses are only against me. I want this to be enough. He has heard the stories, every one, even if he wasn’t there. I want his trust to lie where mine does, and be removed from the places mine cannot reside. When his voice passes through the space between us, our intimate and secret little space, carrying her name to my ears it physically hurts me. My stomach twists into knots and its as if someone is pricking the back of my neck with little pins. I can’t tell him that, because the alternative would be worse. I have to allow him to inflict this pain, because knowledge is the only power I have been granted. I can be patient and I can be gracious, but I have never been good at being powerless.

It’s not as if I don’t know how it works… her witchcraft. She seems helpless and in need of someone. Not even a full moon ago, I was that someone. These are the reasons I love him, after all, for being kind, caring, gentle and oblivious. Well actually… I read somewhere that you have to take the good with the bad. Anyway, he has said her name. So I am struggling to keep listening. I take deep breaths, but try not to let him hear them. I do my best to focus on his words and not my feelings.

“I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea… for us to have breakfast, but she insisted that she didn’t see anything wrong with it. You’re the smartest person I know, and you’re really good at thinking things through. What do you think?”

“I think she’s full of shit.”

“I think she hoped you would tell me about this.”

“I think she is an actual witch and you have to cut her out of your life so she can finally be gone from mine.”

“Do you like her? Is that what you are trying to tell me?”

“What did she do to you, why can’t you see that this is what she does? She has a talent for sewing discord. You and I are happy, so of course, she won’t leave us alone.”

I blink, back into reality, and realize for the first time that I have been silent too long. He is calling my name

“Are you still there?” I would like to say any one of these things. I would love to paint her as the bad guy and tell him exactly what to say to hurt her, but I can’t. She sent him to me with this. Gift-wrapped him up in this problem that he believes is only his because, she wanted to send me a message. I can cut her out of my life, but if I want to hold my little moral compass close I can never get even with her. She is willing to use potions and totems and play games. All I have is love, good faith and the reward of knowing I am doing the right thing.

“It’s only a bad idea if you think it is. Since you’re the one who’s going, the decision is yours. I can’t make it for you,” I finally say.

I listen as he moves on talking about the many other things that are going on with him. I did ask him, after all. I am silent as I wipe away my persistent tears and pray no one will come around the corner.